A Blurred Perspective of Life

Coming Back.....

2008-10-19T07:19:00.003+08:00

I am not sure if this entry is a sign of me coming back to blogging....I don't want to promise myself that I'll continue. Perhaps, I'll just let things flow and see how it goes.

So much has happened since I last wrote. At the end of each trials, I see my life unfolds in many different perspectives. How many times the unexpected happened when we thought that we have all the contingency plans covered? I am no wiser when it comes to trying to foresee the future. All is in the hands of Allah s.w.t. All written. All confirmed way before we existed. As our Prophet s.a.w put it " The ink has dried up".

I'll just let things flow as Allah has planned for it. It makes life so much easier - less stress, less expectations. HE is, after all, the BEST provider.

The year 2007 was a very eventful year for me - a year filled with events of both ups and downs. I saw the baggage that we carried from Ramadhan 2006 to March 2007 solved beautifully by Allah s.w.t in January this year. Subhannallah! Allahuakbar! What an enriching experience! When we thought we were pushed to a corner, with no where to go, Allah opened another door for us. I remembered crying many tears for hopelessness and then tears of relief. Thank you, Allah.

The experience further strengthens my belief on Sabar - Tawakal - Redha. All we need is Allah. HE will always be there for us even if every human were to ostracise or abandon us.

I do not know how 2008 will end but a part of me don't really care. I just pray for Allah to guide us - to show us the right way, to give us strength to do what is right and the strength to restrain ourselves from doing things that HE forbids.

I know not if there will be an entry after this. If it is something right for me to do, then let it be easy for me to achieve. If there is no entry after this, you know what it means.

Anyway, Eid Mubarak to all Muslims. =)

Just some thoughts....

2007-03-20T08:55:00.000+08:00

Ever since I got pregnant sometime last May, I lost all mood to write. I was going through some of my previous writings and honestly, I am pleasantly surprised by the varying topics that I had touched on. I realised that I write best when I am troubled by a certain issue and it touched me deeply. And as the troubles waned away, the inspiration just get drifted along.

It is not to say that I don't have any life challenges currently. I do. No one in this world is trouble free. And if anyone out there were to think that they are all alone facing all the problems in the world. I am "pleased" to tell them that they are not alone. Everyone has his own set of problems. Sometimes big. Sometimes small. That is the purpose of our life on this world - our test is how we cope or handle the problems that we face.

If I were to write a list of all the problems or worries that I have, I think it will be too long for anyone to read. Sometimes, even before something becomes a problem - we already foresee it as a problem. We make our heart aches, our brain hurts just thinking, pondering, wondering about a future problem that may or may not even happen. I do this all the time. I am quite sure there are many others out there just like me. We think too much into the future.

I know that I am not supposed to think too much into the future. I know that I am supposed to do my best NOW, at this present point in time and then leave it to Allah to handle the future. But being humans (the best excuse I have), it is easier said than done. I remind myself constantly about this. Allah will provide the best for me. Allah knows best and yet, time and time again - I worry. Am I doing it right? What if anything goes wrong?

A wise person once told me,"Before you do anything, ask your conscious. Why are you doing it? Is it good? Do you feel right? If your conscious is clear and you are doing something good, for the sake of Allah, go on do it. Then tawakal. Leave it to Allah to handle the rest. It may not be smooth sailing. There will be challenges ahead but once you accept that the decision was guided by Allah, you will be more patient and more at peace. Insya'allah."

I love that wise person. Allah had planted the inspiration to give me with such priceless advice. Alhamdullilah.

To realise that I cannot solve my problems alone and to know that I need my Creator, to intervene and help me solve my problems is a very humbling experience. I am just HIS servant answers the basic question of "Who am I?" and "What I am here for?".

As I am writing and reading what I just wrote, I am reminded that the problems that I face every day and sometimes they remained unresolved for a very long time, are actually blessings in disguise. These life challenges make me always remember ALLAH, make me always in NEED of HIS help, make me always want to whisper and talk to HIM.

And as I do this often, every single moment, hoping and praying that Allah solves my problems in the best possible manner - reciting Rabbi Yassir Wa la tu'assir - I get closer and closer to Allah. And so instead of sighing and asking Why are these unpleasant encounters happening to me - I say Alhamdullilah - Thank you Allah for giving me this very opportunity to remember you and be close to you.

And I know that Allah will solve my problems for me because only HE handles all my affairs. Thank you Allah for making me remember this.

Freaky Frog Fright

2007-02-26T14:27:00.000+08:00

That was what we just had. And No we didn't have frog for lunch. Anyway, we are Muslims so frogs will never be on our menu. But my significant other rears fishes that eat frogs so we usually have a container of live frogs at home. And...No, I never touch them not even the container that holds them. You see, I am afraid of frogs. I find them yucky and disgusting.

My only thought about them is that they may just hop into my dress if ever I come close. So my most feared nightmare happened this very afternoon when one freaky frog decided to escape and make its presence right in front of the TV while I was breastfeeding and watching Jamie Oliver made mashed potatoes! Hubby was at work and it was just me, my 3 little ones and that green thing!

We let out our loudest shriek, ran all the way to the furthest bedroom and shut the door. I think the whole estate heard us. I sat on the bed - half breathless and called the man of the house. The man was in a meeting and he could only offered a whispered advice - Close all doors, get an ice cream container and just cover that thing. Sound easy, right? Yeah, easy peasy.

So all I could do was gingerly got out of my room, wearing my bedroom slippers - in case I stepped on it, I had protection, closed all the doors and tried to talk myself into being a brave girl and just cover that darn thing with an ice cream container. Then I saw the frog at the corner of the coffee table. I almost peed in my pants in fright. He made it sound so easy - cover it with an ice cream container. My comfort zone with frogs is not 10 cm. It is 1 m for heaven's sake. So I ran back to my refuge.

And if he was not in a meeting, I would have called him - screaming my head off and crying my eyes out - begging him to come back and catch that darn thing. But I had to contain all that emotions and send a short message, pls come home, syg. can't do anythg! The reply was not so comforting though - sori, in mtg. cal bak (refer to my dearest father in law - he is my hero).

So I called my father-in-law and he came with his troop, armed with a red umbrella about 15 to 20 mins later. My daughters and I walked like elephants to open the door. My great idea of trying to frighten the frog and made it go into hiding. hehe.

So my father-in-law and his other brave companion (the family maid) went looking for the frog - under the sofa, under the coffee table, under the TV console - where it was found dead trapped in dirt and hair. This is a good reason why you shouldn't keep your house so clean if your husband keeps frogs at home. Anyway, I couldn't believe it is dead but I don't dare to look at it. It was alive and hopping just 15 mins ago. So we made another house search to make sure that there were no other frogs. We found none.

So we did a headcount - on the frogs in the container. Hubby bought 8. 2 were fed to the fish last night, 5 left in the container and 1 was dead - the escapee. Ok, all counted for. I thanked my heroes profusely. I don't think my daughters and I would have the courage to ever leave my room till it was caught. I didn't care whether it was caught dead or alive.

So that was our frightening afternoon which thankfully had a happy ending for us but not the frog.

My daughters and I are still puzzled over its unexpected death. We talked about how it may have died and my wise 6 year old told me innocently that it died of fright when it heard us stamping our feet loudly, walking like an elephant. Maybe.

So if you are afraid of frogs and one happened to get strayed into your house, try walking like at elephant. Who knows, the frog may just die of fright. hehe.

Missing You, Missing Me

2007-02-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

I miss having the luxury of blogging and blog hopping. I miss writing comments in your blogs. I miss reading all those interesting entries. I miss having the time to write, to surf the net, to read the newspapers, magazines and whatever reading materials that I can get my hands on. I just miss them.

How am I coping? Ok I guess. Sometimes, it is fantastic. Sometimes it is just horrible. But isn't it normal to have ups and downs? So I am just riding the waves as I go along. What I really wish for is to have more energy and more time to write. Maybe what I really need is discipline - but for those who have cared for young babies, I am sure you know how unpredictable they can be. I can plan my timetable like I am at work but babies don't work according to our schedule - we have to work around their schedule. So my timetable is usually flushed down the drain.

Sometimes as I carry out my daily chores like sweeping the floor or even while ironing, I feel that I am writing in my mind and how I wish technology is so sophisticated that what I have in mind can be transported into hardcopy for me to read, edit and publish on my blog later on.

Besides missing what I enjoy doing, I am also going to miss a very good friend who will leave for UAE in March with her hubby and 3 children. I am going to miss all those lunches that we have, those heart to heart talk about religion, family, career. She will be away for at least 3 years and I even thought of getting a webcam so I can see her while I chat.

Epi and I have known each other for more than a decade - that is most of my adult life. I love her to bits. When I first heard that her hubby had plans of taking up a job overseas, deep in my heart I knew Epi wouldn't want to go. I know Epi. Her attachment here is too strong but I also knew that having her hubby work alone there is never an option for her.

Besides, I also did not want her to go. I'd miss her so much. But as a good friend, I have to support her in whatever decision that she takes. We talked a lot about her being away, how her sons would be taking in, the family members and friends who she would be leaving behind. I never told her that I actually did not want to see her go. I feel that if I were to do that, I may influence her decision. And now that I know she's going, I am happy as well as a bit sad. But I am assured that the decision she made is as Allah wants it to be.

The last time she came over to see me, I saw tears in her eyes but I couldn't let myself reciprocate. It is not that I will not miss her. I will miss her a lot - for more than 10 years, we meet almost every day. But I feel that there's no need for me to worsen how she must feel now. The thought of saying goodbyes to those who are leaving behind is heart breaking enough. I just have to be happy for her.

So I remembered smiling, making jokes about her sending back cheese and salmon for me but I was sad - sad to see her go. Epi doesn't read blogs. She does not have the time. But maybe when she is in UAE where she will be a stayhome Tai-tai, a title that I like to call her as she's bringing her maid along as a support system there, she may start reading my blogs. And if she were to stumble on this entry, I just want to tell her - Epi, I miss you.

And Now There's 5....

2007-02-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

Wow, time really flies when you are having fun. Has it been almost a month since my last entry? So much has happened in the past 3 weeks or so. Yet, so little time for me to write them all down. I have a baby to look after, 4 young children to tend to, a house to clean and of course, the beloved significant other to pamper. hehe. Sound like a good life, eh? Never better, I'd say....Seriously, even with the housework always in my mind - I think this is the best so called confinement I have had. Yes, I'd call it a confinement even though I don't abide by the confinement rules....I have the luxury of breaking all the rules as I am looking after myself - have been doing that since my firstborn anyway.

Anyway before I forget, I'd like to thank all the well wishers. Alhamdullilah, our little light of happiness decided to meet us in the early morning of 22 Jan 2007 (3 Muharram 1428). I don't think I'll forget the time of birth - 0234. Nice eh?

Yes, it is another girl - and she is so adorable, so beautiful, so perfect. And she looks like my better half - also nothing new. I guess he must have stronger genes than me. But - as we all know the baby's look usually change and now 2 of my children who used to look like their father when they were born, are looking like me. So no worries.

I wonder whether it is worth writing the birth story because I believe every mother will remember the birth of each of their children even without writing them down. It is a gift from Allah - each birth is so significant and so different that it remains in your memory for a long time. You will forget about the pain that you have gone through - you will just remember the feelings when you first see your newborn. I am sure all mothers reading this will be able to relate- that indescribable feeling of joy, excitement that pumps the adrenalin.

I have 5 different birth stories to tell - each one of them so unique. But there is one thing in common that I felt. Fear. Not during the actual labour but days before. No matter how many times you have given birth, you are bound to feel afraid. Afraid of what may go wrong. But it is also times like this that we put complete trust in Allah and I remembered praying and asking HIM to let me have a safe and easy delivery - Alhamdullilah, my little girl was delivered with only just one push and about less than 15 mins of pain.

I will not dwell on the birth story because I'd bore myself - have been telling it to those who came over and asked me about it. They say that I am a "pro" in the delivery department. Hehe.

Broken Telephone

2007-01-16T12:27:00.000+08:00

I am sure most of us had played this game in our school days. And I am quite sure that those who played the game enjoyed it tremendously. I remembered having a good laugh over how distorted the message had become. A simple message of four to five words can be grotesquely changed to something so different.

As I grow older, I realised how real this game is - how a simple message can get misunderstood, misconstrued as malicious even though there was no intent by the original communicator. The meaning of messages get changed when the receiver adds on his/her opinions, perceptions and personal experiences and it get passed on to another person who will, in turn, add on whatever he/she feels right. And when this happens in real life, the effect is no longer a laughing matter.

I saw ties severed just because of this. I saw distrust and unduly suspicion emerged. I saw alliances formed – outwitting one another. It was unfortunate that I had to witness siblings squabble just over some miscommunication that could have been easily resolved by just talking things out. And the saddest thing was it just started with a remark made by one of them - over the care of an elderly parent.

Maybe as a third party, I am able to see the bigger picture. Maybe because I am not emotionally involved in the whole situation, I could see that there was actually nothing to it. It was just a case of a broken telephone.

And the problem can be resolved easily. Bring everyone together and announce the message for everyone to hear – loud and clear. But people being people are too complex to do simple things such as this.

They would rather talk among their alliances, have their own opinions and ideas of what was happening – assuming, guessing and making fools out of themselves. But they do not know or maybe, do not wish to know because they think that they are right. They preferred to talk behind people back rather than come out front to clear the air.

I have seen this before and I am seeing it again, unfortunately. I saw once a group of siblings who formed alliances and were constantly suspicious of one another until one of them passed away. And what was left was only major regret. I saw they cried their eyes out when it happened but what good did it do when you had made enemies out of your own siblings, who were once your playmate, your friend, your constant companion?

It is funny when I see these siblings who tend to be nicer, more accommodating and more receptive to people not related to them. But to their own siblings, they tend to be more calculative and more demanding.

I have always believed that blood will always be thicker than water so I can never understand why some people will let a broken telephone comes in between their own flesh and blood.

For the moment, I just want to be an audience to this whole life drama with an ending that only Allah knows. And I hope and pray that they will just resolve the whole matter by fixing that broken telephone.

Just Another Entry

2007-01-08T10:06:00.000+08:00

How time flies! Second week of 2007 is already here and we survive without a helper for 2 weeks. The timetable is hectic, especially now that school has started but we have done this before and we can do it again.

It is tiring - I have to admit but I target to sleep latest by 10pm everyday so at least I get ample rest before the next day. The house is not as clean or as organised as when there's help but the children get to learn that they have to do things on their own. I know my children are very independent at their age but when help was around constantly - they preferred just to let others do for them even the simplest things like hanging their clothes or towel or even arranging their shoes.

The very good thing about not having constant help around the house is that the children have to do things on their own. They know it is their responsibility to make sure their own things are in order. When children have to do things on their own, they tend to be more appreciative when help comes around. And they would understand why certain things need to get done. Otherwise, they have to bear with whatever the consequences.

To me, this is an important lesson to teach the children - life skills that can only be imparted through experiences. A part of me is actually glad we have to do things on our own. Of course, when I am tired at the end of the day, there’ll be lots of grumbling and complaining. I am, however, working on that. I need to control my temper and not make the state that I am in an excuse!

I read somewhere that even our Prophet Muhammad saw asked Allah swt to grant him patience. He made this dua at the end of every solat and he is the Prophet. SO being just a normal human being, full of flaws, I should be asking Allah to grant me even more patience.

On the work front, I am quite glad that everything is almost settled as I don’t like to leave jobs half done when I go on my maternity leave. A contrast to the chaos at home, the pace at work is manageable and I have more time to breathe and relax. I hope, with more time in my hands, I can write more often. 8)

Last Entry for 2006.....Perhaps

2006-12-21T13:24:00.000+08:00

Maybe. This will be my last entry for 2006. I am not sure but maybe just maybe.

Tomorrow will be my last day at work - for the year, that is. The past few days had been hectic but fruitful as I got a lot of things done. Projects for the year are finally completed so I have met my target for the year. Today and tomorrow shall be spent on reading materials - quoting my boss "to catch up with the industry's development" blah blah blah. If only, the industry that I am in is not so dry and has so many standards to keep up with.

Oh, I am not into IT, by the way. Sometimes, I wonder how on earth did I get into this line. When I was younger, I had never envisioned myself doing accounts or audit work but here I am, for the past decade doing just that. To think that I got a D for my Financial Accounting in Uni and an A in Marketing. I should be in marketing line, eh?

But then again, I do enjoy my work because I get to be the appointed "kaypo" and go through other people's darkest working secret and write long, long reports condemning other people's work...haha. No wonder, many cannot tahan auditors.

There I go rambling again. What to do? A pregnant woman loses many brain cells during pregnancy so I have valid reasons to ramble. Hmm, let me get back on tracks.....on a more serious note.

So far, 2006 has its fair share of ups and downs for me and the family. It has been a year where we experience many "sudden" changes in plan. We learnt a lot from the new things that we did. We discovered our strength and also our weaknesses. On the whole, 2006 made us stronger. Alhamdullilah. It is also the year that marks our 10th year together as a family. So much has changed since then - from just being 2 of us to now going to be 7 of us.

2006 has significant note to me as an individual, humble servant to Allah swt. I saw so much positive improvements in people that I really care. I had waited and prayed for it for as long as I remembered. And Alhamdullilah, my prayers are answered. In 2006, Allah made me see that there is nothing to lose in being patient. Allah made me realise that we should never give up hope on others. The best way to change others is to change ourselves, first. And insya'allah, others will change in our favour. It will take time but it will happen, insya'allah. In 2006, Allah showed me that HE will provide solutions to our problems in the best manner - sometimes, the solution is so simple that it even surprises us.

For all life lessons that Allah has taught me.... Alhamdullilah, Thank you Allah for a wonderful and insightful 2006.

PS : I'll most probably don't have time to blog or visit your blogs next week so I am wishing all readers "Happy New Year" and may you have a blessed year in 2007. 8)

Back Home....

2006-12-18T17:14:00.000+08:00

The title is self-explanatory, I guess. Alhamdullilah, we reached home safely Sunday afternoon,10 Dec but we were back to JB and was there till Tuesday - so we can say that our vacation officially ended last Tuesday as I am now back at work.

It was an amazing holiday. The weather was great. Shopping was great. Everything went great. I was initially worried about the weather as I heard some people saying that it was raining in Genting and KL but alhamdullilah, it was clear blue sky when we were there.

I used to have something against KL but for the past 3 years, we go to KL at least twice a year and it has become my favourite holiday destination. KL is the place where I can shop till I drop, literally. In fact, I surprised myself this time round - I broke my personal record of 5 hours shopping at Jalan Masjid India. LOL. Not bad for a heavily pregnant lady, eh?

I had some friends wondering how could I still feel like travelling in my 3rd trimester. I was worried initially because I usually travel in my 2nd trimester. But my gynae gave me a clean bill of health. Alhamdullilah. She even wrote a short memo to say that I am fit for travel. Of course, she scared me a little by saying that if I were to bleed, I have to stay put in the hotel room. So I set off the journey with lots of doas and alhamdullilah, all went well.

But I still can't get enough of Malaysia - especially now the year-end sale is on. Everything. Everywhere. Cheap maternity clothes. Cheap baby clothes. I love it!

Anyway, it is time for me to get back to reality. I won't be going back to KL soon - the farthest I can go is JB, I guess. I still have to work out the new routine once the helper goes back on Christmas eve. I'll be on leave again the last week of 2006 - not to go on another holiday (how I wish I could) but to look after the children, cook and clean. How exciting.....

Where shall I begin....

2006-11-30T10:52:00.000+08:00

I have no idea where to begin. It has been definitely a hectic week - packing for the hols, attending P1 orientation, buying textbooks...et cetera, et cetera.....I know those attending secular schools only start buying their textbooks in mid Dec but the madrasah starts early this year. It fits in well with our timetable so all the buying of textbooks and uniforms are done before we go on our holiday.

Just when I thought every thing is settled and I can go enjoy my holidays while shopping for baby stuffs - my helper had to announce that her hubby wanted her to return home latest by Christmas eve. And I had planned for her to stay on at least after I deliver. She is such a great help and even though I am so sad to let her go, I know it will always be family first. In her case, her family comes first so if they need her, we have to just let her go. So 24th Dec, she will leave us for good.

I haven't got a replacement yet because (i know this is wishful thinking) I am hoping that 2 or 3 months down the road, her hubby will change his mind and let her come back to work. But if he doesn't and this is highly probable, I have to get one - so if you, readers out there, know of a good, reliable, honest domestic helper who wish to change employer after the expiry of the contract, please tell.

So how am I going to cope - with my date due coming closer and without help? Run to my family support, of course. My mum and inlaws. As much as possible, I don't like to trouble them - I mean I feel bad but they are so willing to offer their help even without us asking. Never mind, they say. Don't worry, we are still around. Mak and Bak can look after the children. We can send food to your house everyday. Alhamdullilah - only Allah can repay their kindness.

There's so many arrangements that we have to make next year. Looks like, we may have to resume our old schedule until baby comes along. Oh by the way, if you have good local part-time helpers, please tell me. I may need their help to do the ironing and cleaning of the house when I am on no-pay maternity leave.

Now, I shall stop thinking what's going to happen when my helper goes back home. I just want to think of my holiday next week. So see you when I get back! 8)

What We Do Not Know Won’t Hurt Us

2006-11-21T16:56:00.000+08:00

I’m sure many of us have heard of this saying – what we don’t know, won’t hurt us. But there may be many times when we actually don’t know but we assume that we know and what we think we know hurt us a lot. Sounds complicating, right?

But I believe that is how our mind sometimes works. We assume, presume, guess and imagine something that may not even be true as the gospel truth because of how our mind connect the series of events that had happened – even though in actual reality they may not even be connected - and in the end, we hurt ourselves.

Confused? Let me give an example.

A few days ago, I received a call from someone, A, who was upset with a close relative of hers – who I shall call B. The reason for A being upset was that B had put on a long face when they met recently in a family gathering. Previously, they had some sort of misunderstanding but had cleared the air and even sought each other’s forgiveness. I, unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you would like to view it), was present when the misunderstanding was cleared.

So A called me, pouring all her grievances and unhappiness about B’s reaction towards her even after the apologizing episode. She felt that B was being immature and not being able to put the whole episode behind her.

So I asked how did she know that B was still upset with her. She said that it was just logical to assume that. Bingo! That is the dirty word again – ASSUME.

So being the normal me – the person who can solve other people’s problem more easily than my own – asked her why was she hurting herself this way by assuming that others are unhappy with her by just looking at their faces. The way B looked on that day may have nothing to do with her previous misunderstanding with A. She may be just plain tired. That’s all – nothing to it. So I told A to forget about it – why think so much into something that we are not certain?Why make ourselves miserable just because of our assumptions – which could be wrong in the first place? Isn’t it a waste of energy?

We all know that sometimes, when we are sick or hounded by our personal problems, we don’t give much thought about how we look to others. We may put on a long face or “black face” as some people may call it because we had a bad day, because we just quarrelled with our spouse, because we are not well, because we have so many other things to think of. And it is not related to any single person.

And we know that there are people out there who are very sensitive to the way we look, even though it has nothing to do with them. Strange? But that’s humans – otherwise, the world will be a dull place to live in.

I think this could be one of the reasons why we Muslims are encouraged to smile as a form of sedekah. Of course, there are many other benefits of smiling – we make others trust us more, there will be less suspicion and we make others happy. However, I also know that sometimes with all the worldly troubles, it is difficult for us to maintain a smile 24/7.

But whatever it is, in case, someone don’t give you a smile or put on a long or black face when he or she sees you, please don’t assume, presume or imagine that the person has something against you. It will definitely make your life happier and less stressful – believe me. 8)

Trusting Your Instinct

2006-11-08T15:22:00.000+08:00

During my lunch hour, I had a conversation with one of my closest friend who currently needs to make a major decision – affecting not just her but people closest to her. Her instinct is telling her to go in the direction that others may see as silly or stupid. Carpe Diem or seize the opportunity are what others have been telling her. Don’t think too much – but when your heart says no; how can you seize that opportunity fully. Everything comes with a risk.

She said that she was trying to reason with herself, trying to convince herself to go against her inner most feeling and presumed that she would make the right decision. I know the feeling. Many times, I have reasoned with myself – going very much against my instinct. And in most of those times, maybe even all, I regretted making those decisions.

Even as recent as this year, I have made a decision that I now regret. I know there is no point in regretting. The decision has been made and there’s no turning back. I know that I have to live with it and for the umpteenth time, I hope I really learn from this mistake.

It won’t hurt so much if the mistake did not cost a cent. Because in this case, I may stand to lose lots of money - if the worst case scenario were to happen, that is. Ever since I got wind of the upsetting news during the last week of Ramadan, I have been praying that Allah swt show us the best way out of it. I pray that Allah make it easy for us and allow me to correct the mistake that I have made. I hope and pray that the worst case scenario would never happen. I hope that Allah swt will bring it back to me.

I kept on reminding myself that I should be grateful, at least I still have my health, my family and all those who I love and care most. The thing that I lost is only material stuff but still, when something rather valuable goes missing – we just hope to get it back. At the moment, it is a waiting game. I can’t do much but pray that it get found.

When things like this happen, we tend to blame ourselves. I blame myself for it. I know I cannot foresee the future but at the point when the decision was made – I had not trusted my instinct fully. I did not feel good but I reasoned with myself, gave myself a pap talk, convinced myself that there was nothing to be afraid of and that it would be a good decision.

I hope my friend got my point during our conversation. I know to some people it may sound silly. But I learnt that our instinct, our inner most feeling is our best defence. I should have trusted my instinct - if it did not feel good then just don’t do it. I know this could be Allah’s test for us and I hope that something good comes out of it. Insya’allah.

In the meantime, I seek solace from the verses in Surah 94 : Al-Inshirah.

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
1. Have We not expanded thee thy breast?-
2. And removed from thee thy burden
3. The which did gall thy back?-
4. And raised high the esteem (in which) thou (art held)?
5. So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:
6. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.
7. Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,
8. And to thy Lord turn (all) thy attention.

I know Allah has something good in store for me. Insya’allah

Must be the Hormones

2006-11-07T13:02:00.000+08:00

I planned to write something that would motivate others but instead I am writing this. Sigh….it must be one of those days. I felt this way about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my 4th one and I am experiencing it now. I am just tired of all these office routine – the meetings, the endless emails, the report writing, the follow ups, queries after queries.

I know I once wrote that I was grateful for the job that I have. I still am but I also know that I am just a human, a flawed one – not perfect, not immune to the ups and downs of life. And it is times like these that I wish I am just at home – not without help, of course. I wish that I can stay home, with my current helper still doing the housework and some cooking and me, doing whatever I like. I know it is wishful thinking, because I tend to get bored and soon will want to leave the nest and look for things to do.

But the thing that I really want is flexibility – which unfortunately is not so welcomed in this organisation. I have asked for part time work, work from home, flexi hours and all turned down. And these policies are actually allowed by the organisation but there is a catch – it up to your immediate supervisor to decide. And if you have a supervisor like mine who strongly believe that people can only do work when they are in the office, all those flexible HR policies become redundant.

I know there will come a time in the future where I will understand why things are presently like this. It is always on hindsight that you see the benefits of events that unfold before you but presently, I just cannot see it. I need something to motivate me into actually working. This may sound weird – I am working but I do not feel like I am. I no longer get excited by the projects that I have. I no longer feel the adrenalin pumping as deadlines approaches. Everything feels like it is happening in slow motion – time passes very slowly. It feels like I am wasting time doing nothing. Isn’t it weird?

I wonder whether anyone out there has experienced such a strange feeling. I spoke to some people and they assured me that it must be the hormones acting up. And I hope they are right.

Late Lebaran Wish

2006-10-31T15:21:00.000+08:00

It is more than a week into Syawal and I should have posted this entry much ealier but better be late than never...so here goes.

To all my Friends and Muslims Readers
Eid Mubarak & Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri. Minal Aidin Wal Faizin.

Please accept my sincerest apologies if there were any instance where I may have written something that could have offended or hurt you in any way.

On a different note, I hope Allah gives me more inspiration to write from this month onwards. So I hope to come up with some interesting write ups. The Ramadan that just left us was an eventful one for me. Many things happened during that month. And I had a new obsession during that month so it took my attention away from writing. But I have to put that new obsession on hold for the time being because my energy level has not been so good lately. So, do come back and I hope by then, I have some good reads for all. 8)

Jihad in Ramadan

2006-10-03T15:27:00.000+08:00

I was reading a posting in a forum where a sister reminded us that Allah’s command to fast during Ramadan was given to our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w during the war in Badar al Kubra. The command to fast trained the Muslims during that time to be physically accustomed to the possibility of economic restrain that may be enforced by the enemies. It ended with Allah swt giving a victorious win to the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w and the people of Madinah.

Now, even though, we may not be at the brink of war but I see Ramadan as a golden opportunity to battle against, what is mentioned in a hadis as our worst enemy, our Nafs. When Iblis and shaytan are all locked up, we are just left to fend against our inner self, the Nafs. And in Ramadan, I get a reality check on how weak I can be to my own Nafs.

It is a well-known fact that Allah swt will handsomely reward those who not only read the Quran but also understand and try to internalise the meanings behind the verses. We can do that any other days but the reward, if this is done during the month of Ramadan, is amplified many folds. Yet, sometimes I choose to read meaningless things or worst, watch some entertainment show on TV. And then I try to justify my actions – making myself believe that there is actually a valid reason.

And then there were times in the past Ramadan when we were out shopping for our Hari Raya goodies or clothes instead of performing our solat Tarawih, especially towards the last 10 days of Ramadan. The shaytans are still locked up but we, humans, are still doing things that are not beneficially or meaningful to ourselves as a Muslim.

It is said that “There are two kinds of people, one are those whose Nafs have overcome them and led them to ruin because they yielded to them and obeyed their impulses. The other kinds are those who have overcome their Nafs and made them obey their commands.” This is taken from an article The Meaning of Nafs by Muhammad 'Afifi al-'Akiti.

I think every Muslim yearns to belong to the latter group. Putting a lid of one’s Nafs and overcoming it is definitely something that needs to be worked on. It is an ongoing battle. It won’t be easy but I believe it is achievable. So with this jihad in mind, I hope that my Ramadan this year will be better than my previous ones. Insya’allah.

A quote from Ibn Kathir:
"The Mu'min are a people who have been prevented through the Qur'an from indulging in the pleasures of this world; it comes between them and what might destroy them. The Mu'min is like a prisoner in this world, who tries to free himself from its shackles and chains, placing his trust in nothing in it, until the day he meets his Creator. He knows full well that he is accountable for everything that he hears, sees and says, and for everything that he does with his body."
(Al-Bidayah wa al-Nihayah, vol. 9 pg. 276, Cairo 1352)

Simply Nothing

2006-09-29T14:21:00.000+08:00

As hard as I try
I have nothing write
My mind is so blank
Sadly, I am no think tank

This is very funny
And it’s not worth a penny
To try and pen something
Seriously, out of nothing

I wonder if I dare to publish
This unusual entry
For fear that my readers will vanish
And so will my sanity?

Do you understand?
Does this really make sense?
If you can comprehend,
You must have lots of commonsense.

Before I leave,
I must confess
That this weird entry is the best
I could offer you, my friend
So Au Revoir
And have a great weekend.

See you next week!

PS : I wonder if I broke any poetry writing rules..hehe. I am no poet. 8)

We are from Allah and unto Him will we return

2006-09-26T12:14:00.000+08:00

I called her this morning. I didn’t know what to say. Just early last week, we were just sharing good news with each other. I was excited for her and I could sense that she was just as excited for his arrival. We just had happy thoughts – only happy thoughts.

Only a few days ago, I was thinking of her and him. How blessed she must feel – to be given something that she had yearned for quite some time. I was waiting for the good news to come but it never came.

Yesterday morning, I was shocked and deeply saddened. I had checked her website to see whether there are pictures of happiness, welcoming the new man in her life. But happiness was not what I found. I found grief. She lost him. Allah took the child back – the child that I knew she had yearned for.

Initially, I couldn’t find the courage to call her because I knew no words of comfort could take away the pain and sadness that she may feel. When I eventually called, there was more silence than words said. It is so much easier to have a conversation on things like going shopping or meeting friends but when it comes to sadness and loss, it is so difficult to talk about.

I was holding back my tears as I heard her talk – slowly, not her normal way of talking. She had always been the cheery and happy one. Even her emails are filled with laughter and smileys. But this morning, she talked in a deliberate manner, punctuated with pauses filled with sadness. We said our goodbyes and you-take-cares.

And I cried after putting down the phone.

But I know no amount of my tears could replace her sadness, her sense of loneliness for the loss of her child. I wish I could do more. I would like to meet her – just to give a touch, a hug, a listening ear, a kind smile – I’ve learnt that these are the better things that we can help someone in grief.

Since yesterday morning, I have been thinking of life, death and what happened to my dear friend. Life and death is in the hands of Allah. What we have are not really ours – our body, our soul, our children, our spouse and many other things that we take for granted as ours to keep. We are just the caretaker – the one who makes sure that what have been loaned to us are properly taken care of according to the ways that Allah pleases.

Even sadness and happiness are in the hands of Allah. We can strive to achieve happiness by doing whatever that man has written in books and yet, those actions may not guarantee our happiness.

But Allah is Most Just - Allah is Most Merciful and Most Compassionate. Whatever hardships that befall us, there will always be more good to what we, humans, could see. Allah always has better things in store for us – things that we could never foresee. So I pray that Allah would give my friend the strength and patience that is needed to go through this because Allah has taken her son to a better place called Jannah. innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun. Verily, we are from Allah and unto Him will we return.

Why Am I still Here…

2006-09-22T15:30:00.000+08:00

This entry is about my work. I don’t usually write about it. Not that no uneventful things have happened while at work – a couple of years ago, we did have some sort of a psychological coup in this very office that I am in (peaceful and definitely, not bloody). I don't usually write about work because work is generally a boring topic to write about.

Besides, I don’t think anyone is keen to know about my work or how boring my office can be. But, I thought this is worth sharing. I mean who knows there may be someone out there who shares the same sentiment as I do about work.

For those who may not know, I have been working for the past 12 years – actively working for 10 years, the other 2 years (an accummulation of several months over the years) were spent on looking after children. I know that I enjoy doing what I am doing now. I get to learn new stuffs every 3 months. I get to plan my own work schedule. I don’t need to travel, no over time so I get to be home early. Basically, work has been a breeze.

Nonetheless, dealing with people at work is a different ball game altogether. If I were to take people out of the work equation, it is literally stress free. But, put people-factor in – even the simplest job can be stressful. So when I complain about work, it is actually more about being frustrated with people. And, unfortunately, I do this quite often.

As much as I try to restrain myself, I do end up complaining about people who I work with - they are people who pretend to be smart but are not smart (stupid is too harsh and I am a very nice person as I’d rather not call anyone stupid; no matter how tempting it is), those who take credit for the good work of others, those who constantly think they are right and others are wrong, those who think that others, like me are idiots and they are the most intelligent people in the whole organisation and last but not least, those who think that they are army generals and treat others like servants.

There, I am sure you have also met these kinds of people in the office. It is not uncommon. And because of these people, sometimes, I do feel like throwing in the towel and call it quits. But I am no quitter.

However, a recent question posed by a close friend made me think twice about complaining or even calling it quits. She asked why I was still here – in this office, working. She said I should have moved on to some place better where people recognised my talents (err…I do have talent, you know.). I was quite stunned by her very direct question. No one asked me why I am still here after 8 years doing the same job (well, almost the same).

That question put me on thinking mode for quite some time. I am still here not because I am loyal to some people. I am still here not because of the pay – it is quite pathetic really, if you were to compare with what the market is paying. And with the constant frustration and irritation that I experienced with people here, I did not stay because of them. Then, what is it?

I realised that I am still here because even though, the people here caused me to pull hairs every now and then, they never disturb my family life. Although the pay is lower compared to what I may get else where, I get to spend good time with my family. Even though, my talents are not recognised, I get a lot of time for personal development. And, I am never called back during my leave or public holidays to do work in the office. If my children are sick, I can just take the day off. I can pray in my office – no one would frown. I can pump my milk in the office – no one would protest. The best of all, I am never asked to compromise my religion or family because of work.

So that one simple question is an eye opener for me. I realise that there is more good to my work than I had thought. My mind was so clouded by negativities that I did not even see the other better side of my work. Now, I appreciate the work that I have and even the people that I work with (no matter, how irritating they are). So I am making a U-turn by saying that I am indeed glad I am still here. Alhamdullilah. And, if you find that you are miserable at work or in anykind of situation, do take stock on what is holding you back - making you stay put. You may be surprised to discover that things may not be as bleak as it seemed. 8)

Have a great weekend and Ramadan Mubarak!

Be Careful What You Wish For

2006-09-14T15:05:00.000+08:00

Over the years, I have become very cautious about what I wish for because I am afraid that what I wish may not be actually good for me, eventually. As a result, I have resorted making open ended supplications and let Allah choose for me – if what I want if good for me, Allah will make it easier for me to get and if it is not good for me, Allah will prevent me from getting.

Looking back, it started after the delivery of my firstborn in 1997 when I wished not to have another till I was 28. I spoke to the spouse about it, in passing and he just kept quiet. After a moment of silence, I remembered he said, “Be careful what you wish for.” I did not really understand what he meant and just brushed it aside until in 1998, at 26 – I found out I was pregnant again.

We were happy and I had forgotten about the wish that I made 1 ½ years ago. At 12 weeks of pregnancy, I started to bleed. A check with the gynae indicated that the foetus was not growing and it had very irregular heartbeat. The gynae recommended that I aborted it – but how could I, when I could still see the heart beat. She told me that even if it survived, it would have a congenital heart disease and would need a pacemaker to ensure that the heart beats regularly. I was adamant to keep it – it was my child and I could not just give up without giving it a chance.

So she agreed to give some jabs to strengthen the foetus and scheduled for an appointment in a week to see the progress. Before I left, she told me that the chance of the foetus survival looked slim. I went back home and cried my eyes out. I was given a week of MC for total bed rest – no other activity but to stay in bed.

With so much free time in hand and only a child to entertain, it was a time of reflection. The gynae had told us that the jabs would stop the bleeding but it won’t guarantee the survival of the child. So I spent a long time praying when I realised that talking to people did not provide the relief that I needed.

Then, I remembered what I had wished for previously and regretted making such a wish. Allah was granting my wish. It was a wish that was made by my own folly – a human with such limited capacity who just cannot look beyond the present.

In Dec 1998, I really wanted my child to live and I could have wished that Allah made it survive but I didn’t. Because I know, what I could see is just the narrow spectrum of my life. And I made my first open ended wish and prayed that Allah choose the better one for me because Allah is all knowing. I asked that if it was good for us as a family that the child survive then let it survive, if it is not then as the servant of God, I was willing to let it go and let Allah take it away from me. It was a difficult wish for any mother to make – to see it growing in you and ask for it to be taken. But I knew that Allah has a better plan for me.

And little did I know, my better half was also experiencing his own period of self-reflection and made the same wish - though he wanted to cradle another baby more that I did. He never shared with me how he felt for fear that it would affect me even more. He kept it to himself until when he knew that I had the strength to accept our fate – which was months later.

I realised that when you make such a wish (to leave everything in Allah’s hands), the whole burden seemed to be lifted from your shoulders because you know that you are no longer in control and that Allah would take care of the whole affair. Whatever troubles that you may face, such supplication makes you view the whole situation in a different perspective – making it easier for you to move on with your life.

On Boxing Day in 1998, we went to the gynae’s clinic for a review. A part of me knew that it had passed away even before she scanned. Both of us just knew. True enough, there was no heart beat and I went for a D&C. I vowed from that incident that I would just let Allah take care of my affairs because I knew Allah is the only one that I can rely on.

And in 2000, just a month short of my 28th birthday – I gave birth to a healthy baby, my 2nd baby girl. A year later, another one came along and in 2004, my fourth child was born. And insya’allah in Jan 2007, there will be another new addition to the family. Alhamdullilah. But I hope that I never forget the valuable lessons that Allah had taught me in 1998. The adversity that we experienced made us stronger and closer to Allah. I am thankful for that.

I have also limited my specific wishes to wishes for good health, stronger iman and Allah’s protection and guidance. I prefer to leave most of my wishes as open ended because if what I wish for is good for me, I am sure Allah will grant it but if it is not, I wish that Allah will not let me have it. After all, Allah swt is all knowing and only HE knows what is best for us.

I have some people asking me whether I wanted my fifth child to be a boy. If the person who asked is a Muslim, I would tell that it is up to Allah to decide what is good for me. And if he is not, I will just say as long as the baby is healthy – it does not matter whether it is a boy or a girl. Because I do not know what the future holds for me and from what life has taught me – I have to be careful about what I wish for. Allah does grant all our wishes, it is just us, humans who forget what we had wished for.

Just Publicity

2006-09-12T14:15:00.000+08:00

I have nothing to write actually so I am taking this opportunity to publicize a little about the small, humble business that I am doing. For the benefit of those who may not know, I am trying (very, very hard) to continue a business that was initially started by my late father. It is called Raihan's Angels.

In its heydays (2001-2003), we were featured in the local papers, radio as well as appearance in Selamat Pagi Singapura. Besides selling Islamic Children books and games, we were the sole distributor of the Razanne dolls (maybe you have heard of it). We used to have a website but now, it is gone. *sad*

I am trying to revive the business again since September last year (in memory of my late father). It has been a slow moving progress but alhamdullilah, at least, there is progress. It is a real balancing act to juggle business, work and home, especially with a one-woman show (now, a one-pregnant woman show).

Currently, I have also added adult Islamic Books in English - mostly Harun Yahya's books. I do plan to have more if there is demand. There are also books for those who wish to learn Arabic on their own - for both Adults and children.

Since Ramadan is approaching, I'd like to introduce the Ramadan & Eid Gift Pack. This is a gift pack for children. It comes with 6 books, priced at $30 per set. This is how the Gift Pack looks like.

To get a better idea of this gift sets and other books that we sell, do check out Raihan's Angels Treasure Box website. And if it is not too much to ask, please help spread the word around. Your support is greatly appreciated. And if you make orders or enquiries and the replies are slow to come by or the service is not fast enough, please accept my sincerest apologies in advance.

Thank you. May you have blessed days ahead. Insya'allah.

Is it worth Sharing?

2006-09-05T15:04:00.000+08:00

When we talk about sharing, I am sure most of us will think of the positive aspect of sharing like sharing our wealth with the less fortunate, sharing our time with our loved ones, sharing of knowledge with others. But what about sharing of good news like when one gets a new car, a bigger house, a branded anniversary gift or even when one’s child get top in class? Is such news really worth sharing?

Sometimes, we like to share so many good things about our lives that we forget that there may be others, who are not as fortunate. When we announce to our circle of friends or in the web world, our intent is usually to share our happiness. But at times, it is seen by others as bragging. Sometimes, unintentionally, our good news becomes the source of a person’s unhappiness.

Let’s say, it was our 10th marriage anniversary and the spouse bought a huge diamond ring and a handbag to go with it, both costs thousands of dollars and in my state of ecstasy, I raved about the gifts and the expensive dinner for two at a 5-star restaurant. I was still in cloud nine when I kept my friends updated via my blog or whatever communication channel that was available.

And what if, among my friends/readers, there is one who is not really experiencing a good marriage and is currently feeling disillusioned about her relationship with her spouse – how would she feel? Wouldn’t it be like adding salt to the wound?

In sharing good news about how wonderful my spouse is, I may, unintentionally, cause other wives to compare and question – why isn’t my husband doing all these wonderful things to me? Unknowingly, my good news may even cause a strain in a marriage.

When many people start announcing the good things that their spouses do for them or the good things that they have in life, these good news become a benchmark, an expectation of some sort. And what happens when someone (within a group that has endless good news to share) does not have her fair share of good news? How would she feel? Wouldn’t she feel like she is such a failure? Would she feel that her life has more disappointments? Wouldn’t she feel like the odd one out?

There are times when good news is really not worth sharing. More often than not, it breeds contempt and envy to those who did not get to experience it first hand. We need to be tactful and be sensitive to those around us. There could be others who consider themselves unfortunate because they did not get what we got.

And when we are drunk with happiness and elatedness, there would be others who are almost drown with sadness and disappointments. Do spare some thoughts for them and hold on to the good news. Sometimes, the good news is not worth sharing.

Children vis-à-vis Money

2006-08-30T17:06:00.000+08:00

Ever since it was highlighted that Singaporeans will eventually become extinct unless we reproduce ourselves, babies have become THE hot topic of this nation. And when everyone else (except for some of my friends), is still not keen on reproducing, here I am - expecting my fifth child.

I have had people giving me stares that seemed to say, “This woman must be CRAZY!” – Well, perhaps it is just the imagination of a pregnant woman, whose hormones are raging. But, seriously, I do get such stares.

There are others who gawk at me with admiration – as if, I am so brave to even have another child since I already have 4, in expensive Singapore. (I am sure if I am living in another country, I would not be receiving such reactions). They would ask me endless questions of how I manage with all these children and how I find the moolah to finance them. To them, it is considered irresponsible to bring a child into the world without proper financial planning.

And it is usually at this point that I get irritated. I even feel a little offended. I am a thirty-something mother of 4 and their questions make me feel like I do nothing but make babies. As a Muslim, I have a different set of values – different from most of those who ask these questions. It is difficult to make them understand why I see things differently.

It is not that I don’t give a shit about money. Money has become a necessity in Singapore because it is very expensive to live here. But, I don’t allow money to rule over the decisions that I make in my life.

There are some people who think that having children is a financial burden. They see children as the source of financial stress. With all the stress in mind, they decide against having children. I wonder whether they have ever thought that IF their parents were to think like them, they wouldn’t have been born.

I don’t see having children as a financial burden. They are neither my burden nor my stressor. In fact, they lighten my loads for me. And having them does not cause me to lose money. My money does not get lesser. In fact, Allah gave me more with every addition, Alhamdullilah. They are not liabilities (as some Singaporeans put it in their comments to the local newspapers). They do not drain my assets away. And they do not make me less rich.

In fact, I believe and strongly believe – that Allah has made me richer by giving me more children. I am richer with love, I am richer with knowledge and I am richer with experience. No decent or indecent amount of money can make me feel this rich.

I don’t believe in straining myself thinking over the future of my family and my children because I have faith that Allah is the only one that can take care and protect us, and not the amount of money I have in bank. Call me the idealistic individual (so, definitely not pragmatic) but I don’t see how having children has anything to do with money. To me, it is just about faith.

Living in the Present

2006-08-24T15:57:00.000+08:00

How many times do we hear people saying – we have to do this and this, plan this and that so that our future is secured? How many times do we hear sales pitch of promoters of businesses that claimed that they can help us plan and teach us to be financial independent in the future? How many times do we hear Insurance agents persuading us to buy endowment policies or some investment linked products so that we can cover the cost of our children’s education in the future?

I am sure both you and I have heard these talks about the future endlessly. But none actually mention about the present – the time that we are currently living in – the time that will just slip by if we think or plan too much into the future.

We are hardly reminded by the fact that the present will soon be the past and that we can never ever go back – trying to make the past right. Very few people will tell us to live today like there’s no tomorrow. Almost everyone is thinking of the future. Work hard and earn lots of money so that we don’t need to work when we retire. Never mind that we are not spending time with our children because they are supposed to understand that we are working for their future. Never mind that we postpone having children because we need to work hard now so that our future children can live comfortably. These are the current mindsets – thinking that there is time in the future to make up for lost time in the present.

In the meantime, what happened to our present – now? We work so hard for the future that we just don’t notice that time slips away quietly. Soon, 5, 10 or even 20 years go by, unnoticed. By then, the children would have grown up and no longer have any time to be with the parents because they need to also work hard for their children’s future. And these grown up children may say - since my parents never paid any attention to me when I was young because their work is always more important, why should I pay attention to my children or even them, my parents? It becomes a vicious cycle.

And for those couples who work so hard in the present so that they can build their family nests comfortably in the future, don’t they know that their biologically clocks do not stop for money? How do they know that when they are ready to have children, they can conceive?

We are always looking too much ahead, yearning for a better future, that we forget about the present – which is the most important and critical time at the moment.

The irony is that we never know whether we will ever get to see our “pre-determined” future. No one knows. Yet, time and time again, we allow ourselves to forget the present as we look forward for a brighter future.

I have stopped looking too far into the future because I know the future is actually not within my control. I don’t know what my future holds. I can plan. I can hope that Allah will make the future, that I want, becomes a reality. But, is the future that I want really good for me? I can never know and no one knows.

I have also stopped planning too much for the future because I realised that they may just remain as that – plans. Because I can plan as much as I want but I know that only Allah can make things really happen.

In the past, I have planned my future road maps like how old I want to get married, the number of children I want, the type of house I want to stay in, my career progression, my financial positions - but I realised that life never goes according plan. That’s the reality and beauty of life. It is filled with obstacles and challenges that we may never foresee.

I have learnt that living the current moment, without too much planning for the future is the best course to take in life. You will have less anxiety, less heartache, less disappointment and you will feel more content and at peace with yourself. I do plan once in a while but I always keep in mind that if it really happens, it is a bonus to me – a gift from Allah.

I believe that if we make a conscious effort to remind ourselves that we may not have any tomorrow and that today is the most important day of our life, we will be a better person. We will definitely put more efforts in our relationships with Allah and other people around us. We will constantly remember to give our best in every thing that we do, every minute of the 24 hours that we have.

And I believe that by doing so, we may actually carve out a better future for ourselves (Insya’allah) than if we were to just look forward into the future, making our endless plans, without any care for the present and for people who are currently living the present with us.

Don't take Religion out of the Equation

2006-08-21T11:32:00.000+08:00

Recently, our Malay-Muslim community led a campaign to address the community’s problem on pre-marital sex among our teenagers. It was called “Lebih Seksi Katakan Tidak” (More Sexy to Say No). For those who may not be aware, the campaign, which I believe was initiated by a Malay-Muslim organisation, just ended. Apparently, as highlighted by the Malay Media, the campaign received positive feedback from teenagers, which is good.

However, you may have read comments made by some Ustaz on this issue indicating that the campaign is only touching the symptoms but not the root cause of the problem. I couldn’t help but to agree with them. If you have watched the Berita on Suria and heard the responses given by these teenagers, it is troubling to see that the message that these teenagers get is that pre-marital sex is dangerous. Period. That’s all. They went on to say that you can get unwanted pregnancies, you can get STDs. I did not hear any of the interviewed teenagers (albeit being Muslims) mentioned that it is a big sin. None. Ziltch. Pre-marital sex or zina is a very big sin if you are a Muslim but no one even say anything of it. Isn’t this a basic knowledge in Islam?

I mean we teach our children, from young that eating pork is haram, just like drinking alcohol and gambling. These are the fundamental no-nos in Islam and yet when it comes to zina, why do we keep mum? I am sure some of us remember the big issue some Muslims have about dogs being in a taxi until it was even brought up in ST Forum. The nose and saliva of dogs is najis. And najis can be cleaned – yet, there was a fuss. But zina is bigger than najis, yet the approach to making that known lacks lustre.

Last Saturday morning, I heard an interview on Warna about this campaign and the best approach that parents should take on how to talk about sex to their children. Then, a radio DJ made a comment that I think should not be even mentioned on public radio. He said that the old approach of telling our children that pre-marital sex is “dosa besar” (big sin) could not be used anymore. He went on to say that it is obsolete to say such thing. And why not? I asked. Aren’t we Muslims, in the first place? How can something that is forbidden by Allah be obsolete?

Maybe, he meant to say that parents should no longer just say it is a big sin to zina but should also elaborate on why it is haram, and he did not get to say it on air because of time constraint. Maybe. I would have accepted that. Just like how we explain to our children why eating pork, drinking alcohol and gambling are haram because they cause more harm than good and many other scientific or non-scientific evidence to support these rules. It is our responsibility as Muslim parents to educate and guide our children. And wouldn’t it be considered a “dosa besar” if we, parents keep quiet and do not explain why zina is a big sin to our teenage children?

I hope, by writing this, I am not seen as trying to picture myself as holier than others - because I am not. I am just a concerned mother of 4 children (plus another one on the way, insya’allah). And I am concerned about what our future generation will be. I think if you are a parent, you should be.

I have the impression that the campaign was designed to take religion out of the equation. And I hope, I am not right and it is just an oversight by the organiser. It is, after all, done with good intent. And I am sure, this campaign is the beginning of many more to come as our community addresses this pertinent problem.

Islam is a way of life. We all know that. And being a way of life, we can never take Islam out of any of our campaigns, especially if it is focussed to cater to our Malay-Muslim community. To me, the root of the decay of morals among our Muslim teenagers, is the lack of basic Islamic knowledge. This is further aggravated by other factors such as lack of parental guidance, lack of knowledge on the part of parents and peer pressure. But parents have to bear the brunt of the responsibility if ever their teenagers get strayed. Because if we remember correctly our Prophet Muhammad saw once said that our children are born pure, like a white cloth, it is up to us to paint the colours on them and turn them into good Muslims. So parents, remember our responsibility and lets do our part.

PS : I cannot remember the actual hadiths. If you have reference to this famous hadiths, please share. Thanks.

Tong Kosong (Empty Vessel)

2006-08-15T17:09:00.000+08:00

Tong Kosong. That is what I have become today. I hope this is temporary. So for the time being, I am a Tong Kosong. (I am no more lazy, ok. Me very hardworking one). And being a Tong Kosong, I must live up to the reputation of one and make the most noise. Otherwise, the Tong Kosong society might come after me. LOL. Isn’t that hilarious? If you don’t find that funny, it is ok. Only I can understand my own joke. I have been told that I don’t even have a little funny bone in me. They say that I am quite bad at telling jokes and that I’ll laugh while telling them and can never get the punch line right. Oh well, I cannot please all the other Tong Kosong, can I?

I had planned to write an intellectual piece of entry today. I even drafted it in my un-kosong brain yesterday but unfortunately, the brain kosong-ed its content when I was in slumber land and I cannot even recall any juicy bits of that so-called intellectual piece.

As usual, I like to find the cause of my kosong-ed brains, being an investigation officer of some sort. I’ve got the evidence and can pinpoint the culprit. It is...drumrolls, please, THE BED! The bed that is supposed to fit in 2 adults but it broke that cardinal rule and instead, it had allowed 2 little ones to creep into the empty spaces. I want to sack this bed! How can you over-accommodate? Even a ship can overturn when it takes it more that the ‘legal’ capacity? Maybe I should sue? I think I have a case.

Already one of the adult is turning into an elephant and with 2 more fugitives onboard….there isn’t any ample space to move about. Last week, I had stiff neck. Last night, I could not sleep because I was abused endlessly by….by…a 2 year old. I was kicked to the edge of the bed. She must have thought I was a Swiper, the Sly Fox from Dora or Robby from Lazy Town. After for the kicking, she wanted milk – mummy’s milk. So poor mummy (the one turning into the elephant!) not only had to endure being kicked but also the pulling and biting at other parts of her body as well. This can be considered abuse, right?

And on top of that, we have the creeper who prefers to creep into our bed and sleep at our feet every day. She said that her room had eyes looking at her like the ones in Private of Caribbean Part 2 (ok, I am bad at remembering titles. It is the one that had giant octopus.) When she was younger, this “clinger” (because she can sleep right at the edge of the bed and not fall off – even if you push her!) used to be afraid of what she referred to as the “Sesame Street door” because she believed that a huge Elmo is hiding behind that door (which incidentally was our bathroom door), waiting to ambush her and take her away. What an imagination! There’s no need to guess who she took after because I think it is me and you-know-who thinks it is him!

As the creeper slept at my feet yesterday, I could not get into a comfortable sleeping position. So during the time I was supposed to be asleep, in between kicks, I was finding a comfortable position to fall asleep. In the end, did I get much sleep? Noooooooooo. You don’t need a high IQ to get that answer right. But no sleep or the lack of it does not mean I can AWOL from work. So I dragged my feet and my turning-into-an-elephant’s-bum bum out to work, singing the songs that the seven little dwarves sang as they went to work, pretending to be happy and cheery.

So here I am – at my desk – pretending to be happy, pretending to be alert, pretending to be w-e-r-k-i-n-g with a kosong-ed brain in my head. I hope you wish me luck for the rest of the day and pray that the Tong Kosong Society doesn’t come after me tonight, or else there goes my sleep again! And thank you very much for taking the time to read this entry. Please come back again.

PS : If you happen to drink Teh kosong, kopi kosong, milo kosong or eat prata kosong, roti kosong or have a poket kosong, do spare a thought for me – your tong kosong friend. 8p

Stung by a four-letter word bug

2006-08-02T10:41:00.000+08:00

Yes. I have. I have been stung by that vicious four-letter word bug and it is driving me nuts. I hate it. All my projects, both work & personal, are held back. When I look at my table, which is surrounded by all sorts of papers, files, packets of food stuffs and packet drinks, and not forgetting today’s & yesterday’s newspapers, I just cannot figure out where to begin (so, as you can imagine, I am not a neat person. The stuffs on my desk can be referred to as an organised mess because only I can find things under all these heaps of papers) and to make matters worst, this four-letter word bug just kept on stinging me for the past weeks. Gosh, it must have been more than 4 weeks!

The bug has bit my brains. I am supposed to be intelligent and analytical but ever since the bug bit me, I could not figure out what is written in the documents that those other people sent me. It has become Greek to me! I still understand when I read the newspapers and do shed tears when I read about the woes in Lebanon but my brain just switch off when it is time to do w-e-r-k. Gee, I cannot even spell w-e-r-k properly! So please forgive my spelling. It is the bug.

Yeah, blame it on the bug. I was the exemplary w-e-r-k-e-r until this bug struck me. A hard-w-e-r-k-ing one, I must say. I think I have an aversion to w-e-r-k or anything that has w-e-r-k in it. But I notice something strange, though. When the bug stung me, my ability to weave in and out of other people’s blogs has improved two or three folds. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! What has the bug done to me? It has heightened my “kaypoh-ness” but reduced my productivity to w-e-r-k.

I need a doctor. Not a medical one, a mental one that can cure me of the four-letter word syndrome, to wash it out of my system, once and for all. And talking about systems, my 9 year old just reminded me that our body is also a system. Sorry, out of point. Now, coming back to the bug, the other parts of my body is getting temporary relief from the bug, as you can see, I can still type. But let me share with you, after this is published, it will sting again. After that, only my eyes, head and my right forefinger (which is required to click the mouse) will be exempted from the bug and can still move. The rest will stay in a sedentary position until lunch time! What a bum!

So I have become a bum. An office bum. But, don’t fret. I am a fighter. I will always fight for my rights. I used to be called “the office freedom fighter”. I mean I just don't get the title for doing nothing, you know. Maybe, I’ll write about that when I drive this bug away. Maybe. No promises, ok? So pray that I get this four-letter word bug out of my system quickly. I just don’t want to be LAZY anymore. So out LAZY out!

Short Circuit

2006-07-24T17:14:00.000+08:00

So I broke the fortnight rule update. Why? I am peeved. Why? Because I choose to feel irritated – I can choose to feel otherwise but today I just want to feel annoyed. You know the normal excuse – I am human what…..

Let me tell you about why in this case, I choose to feel irritated. I cannot tahan (stand) people who over-sensationalise issues when there is actually nothing to it. We all know people are capable of doing many-many things, some of which are unthinkable to us. But weird or different or out of the norm does not mean that it is cannot be done. I also cannot stand it when things that are open for discussions are treated as if they belong to some covert operations and if one wishes to discuss openly or even mention about the subject, worse still gives his own radical opinion, one would be tracked down by some government intelligence unit.

An example of an over-sensationalise issue, the recent brouhaha about Siti and Datok K - so what’s the big deal? Just because she is a celebrity, these people make it sound like it is big crime getting married to a divorcee more than 20 years her senior and have 3 (or is it 4?) children in tow.

And why oh why do these people bother to circulate emails with pictures of Datok K’s son(s) embracing pretty girls and drinking what appeared to be alcohol? Again I ask, what is the point? We all know that teenagers at that age will have rebellious streak in them and I am sure some of those circulating these pictures may also had gone to pubs, embraced pretty girls and took sip of the no-no drink when they were young and had conveniently forgotten those incidents and proclaimed that they have repented. So why be so harsh on these children who have not done anything to hurt others? Just because of envy? How would you react if people circulate pictures of your children, tarnishing your reputation directly or indirectly? Have a thought for others, please.

I have received such emails and so far I have bit my tongue so as not to shoot a rather nasty email at those who sent them to me….well, they are my friends. And if they happen to read this, they will know where I stand. I am no saint but I just don’t like it lah…If you want to email others, go ahead – I am not stopping you but please don’t email me. I just don’t want to know about Siti and Datok K. I don’t gain anything from the news anyway.

I am also irritated by the fact that some people pretend to make something a secret when it is not and in actual fact, the whole world knows about it. In the office, when people make it sound like only those privileged are entitled to know and they use codenames to describe certain operations, blah blah blah. But the truth is, it is an open secret and everyone, who breathes the office air, already knows. Silly people! I cannot help but laugh silently at these people. I once received an email saying this and this like some kind of secret info and it ended with reminding me to keep the info to myself. The funny thing is 2 weeks before, I received the same information from another source who carbon copied the email to everyone! How ridiculous can some people get! Urrrgh….Just cannot tahan.

Posted by Grumpy Grandmother….

Fortnightly Affair

2006-07-19T09:58:00.000+08:00

I think I shall make it a fortnightly affair - updating my blog, that is. I am more into bloghopping nowadays, rather than penning down my own thoughts. Anyway, I have not been feeling too well lately so I couldn't really think logically and rationally with persistent headaches. So if you don’t understand the paragraphs that follow – just ignore them.

I haven’t been doing a lot of thinking, analyzing and reflecting lately. These are 2 things that I enjoy doing – asking the many “whys”. I know of some people who don’t see the need to reflect on what happened and what goes on in their lives or those who they love. But I do. I see reflecting on my daily life as a feedback mechanism to remind me of the improvements that need to be done. There will always be one thing that we can improve about ourselves. We are not perfect and even after improvements, we will never be but we may be better that we used to be.

My head feels stuffed these few days, at times, numb to any sensation. So it is mentally tiring to process information and analyse them in the best possible way such that the information makes sense to me and to the others who want to know. But unfortunately (maybe, it should be fortunately), I still have to do this, despite the “stuffed head”, as it is part of my core job scope. I actually just want to go home and sleep rather than be at my desk today.

It is times like this that I wish I have a “me” robot or a “me” clone who could take over my job while I sleep peacefully on my bed or laze on my couch watching Discovery-Travel. I can predict that today will not be a productive one since the head is still throbbing due to the lack of sleep. It was just too hot yesterday night and I couldn’t turn on the air-conditioner though it works perfectly. I shall not elaborate further on why I could not turn on a perfectly-working air-conditioner. That will take another page or two or even a day or two of ranting.

I wish there is a remedy for this headache. I tried pulling hair – feels good, really. I tried the tiger balm remedy – love the smell and the hot sensation. I tried the eucalyptus oil remedy – not bad, smells good too. Don’t ask me to take all the painkillers – I cannot bring myself to take pills. Despite all those remedies that I tried, they just serve as temporary relief. The doc said just bear with it – it will go away one day. And when is that one day, dear doc? One day, it will definitely go away. That was doc’s advice, which by the way, costs me many, many dollars – more than my daily or even weekly lunch money. After visiting the doc, I wished I had listened to my mom and be a doctor so I, too, can earn big money!

This hot, sticky, humid weather is definitely not helping. The office air-con is not helping either. It is supposed to be cool but I think it is far from cool. All this headaches and hot weather is putting me into a foul mood. Someone mentioned that I have become a grumpy, old grandmother. How can I not become one when the weather is like this and the head is like that? I need to go home. I want my bed. But….it is just too hot for me to walk back to the car park and drive home. I guess, I shall only wish for rain.

After note : Reading back, the entry has nothing to do with title - totally irrelevant.

The Grass is Always Greener On the Other Side…

2006-07-05T16:30:00.000+08:00

Is it really? I don’t think anyone can tell until he has experienced that pasture. It may just look greener than our current one. Hey, I think every pasture looks greener that what we have because humans, as interesting as we are, are also very unappreciative of what we currently have. We are always looking for greener pastures because ours is never green enough.

It is always bitter to swallow the truth. But we have to swallow it, anyway. When can humans ever be satisfied? When pigs fly or when cows jump over the moon? May be. Well, impossible is nothing according to Adidas new slogan. (I think it is Adidas – love their new slogan and the advertisement)

And why am I writing about this right after my own disappearing act from blogger because I was looking for greener blogging pasture? Seriously. I don’t know. It just sounds good to write. But really, really seriously, I heard of some friends and acquaintances who called it quits on their jobs, marriages and children’s schools. When I spoke to some of them, they said that they wanted to move on to greener pastures. It is them making the change but I am sceptical about the whole-greener-pastures-solutions.

I belong to the school of thoughts that believe a good change does not mean literally making a change physically. I believe that a real change is to change from within. In other words, if you think your grass is not greener than your neighbour - what are you going to do to make it greener. I am not against looking for greener pastures, per se. I prefer to tend to my pasture first, try to make them greener. Only if my actions fail to make them as green as I want them to be – only then will I consider looking for greener pastures. So it is my last resort.

But as I look around me, I see people just moving on without even trying. When they hear of something better, they just pack their bags and leave. And for some, they just keep on moving from one pasture to another because the greener pasture is not actually greener than the old one. It turned yellow after a while. Some of them say they gain the experience but they are never satisfied with what they have achieved – they just want more and more. The sky’s the limit – they say.

And as they look down on me from their pedestal of "achievements" (as they call them), they shake their heads and say that I have no drive to want more. From way below on hard solid ground, I shout back at them,"At least my grass will always be greener than yours. I made them greener and you just leave yours to rot."

I am happy with mine and the effort that I have put it to tend to them. Well, I am not sure whether those who constantly moving to greener pastures can make such claims since they are always looking around for pastures that are greener than theirs. Their own are never good enough.

So are your pastures as green as you want them to be? I guess it is for you to know and for me to never find out! 8)

K-L-U-T-Z

2006-06-13T14:50:00.000+08:00

I am a blur klutz. I am not embarrassed about it. It is just me.

According to Wikipedia - “A klutz is person who is clumsy, foolish, inept, or accident-prone.” For me, please ignore the foolish and inept part – because I am quite clever, you know and see myself as capable… But I am clumsy and accident-prone.

I have a whole strings of events – some I remembered vividly, others not so vividly. I think if there are some sorts of records kept to actually keep track of these accidents – Maybe, I’d get an award for them.

For instance, I have fallen into drains countless times. It seemed that I simply walked into them. I would be talking to someone and then….whooop…I’ll be about 3 feet lower. There was once (during my secondary school days) when I was running for the bus and the bus stop was filled with people. It was Bus No 151 – if my memory serves me well. I ran and then….gedebap…I fell into a drain hole! I think I might be the only person whose legs went haywire while running such that they found their way into a small drain hole at the side of the road.

And then, there was the time of the miniskirts. All I remembered about those times is falling down stairs while in a miniskirt. Maybe, I wore them too tight. I skipped a step once along Bras Basah Road, in front of a not-bad looking guy. I swore he was trying very hard to keep himself from laughing. And while in Uni, I missed a step or two, in front of a group of guys while on my way to the lecture theatre. Maybe, that is my "unconscious" way of getting attention. LOL!

Then, there was times when I was trying to be a helpful citizen by carrying my tray after completing a meal in fast food restaurants. Instead of helping them clear rubbish,I made a mess out of my unfinished drink by spilling them on the floor because the tray just missed the bin by oh-a-few millimetre. I had good intention, you know but…well, like it is said, we can ONLY plan. Now, I really help them by not putting away my tray. I just leave it after eating – don’t think I do it because I am lazy, ok?

My more recent act of klutz-ness was just last Friday. I still have a swollen toe to remind me of that accident. It was just the end of a normal day. I was about to leave my in-laws place and close the door behind me. Usually, I would step out of the door frame and pull the door but on the fateful day, I was standing in front of the door – I wonder what I was really thinking and yanked the door HARD to close it. They say when accidents happen it is very fast. Well, it was fast and when the pain hit me, I realised that my little toe got stuck under the door. OOOWWWCH!

I got the toe out after a letting out a howl….of pain. I didn’t care that it was a quiet evening and we were at the end of a HDB corridor! I guess anyone who heard the howl (I don’t think it was a scream) will think that some wolves were on the loose…hahaha (not funny? never mind).
So our plans for the weekend were scrapped because of my swollen toe. It was purple on Saturday and blue on Sunday. I cannot wear my shoes. The toe hurt like H&%# (I’m sure you’re smart enough to guess what the word is). I could limp, though.

The toe is improving – in colour. It is now slightly pink, still a little bluish. But getting better – no worries. I realised that even though it is just a toe, it is very important and I should not take it for granted. My plans were all disrupted because of just one toe. So even a toe can make a difference!

If you can only take away 1 point from here – just remember Don’t take your toe for granted…8)

As for me, my klutz-ness has reduced significantly over the past few years. I know I cannot eliminate it. Accidents like this happens once in a blue moon so I should be thankful. Quoting an sms that I received from a friend when I told her about the incident “Well, u r BLUR Queen. Hehehe.” Yes, I MUST keep up to that image, mustn’t I? 8P

Excuse Me, Are You Happy?

2006-06-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

Over the past few days, there have been some articles written on happiness in our local papers. The issue, at hand, is whether Singaporeans are happy. In the first place, how can we tell who is happy and who is not. Can we say that someone is unhappy just because he works 24/7? No. He may be even the happiest person on earth since he is doing what he really enjoys. Can we say that someone is unhappy just because she is a single parent? No one can tell because she may be happier being single than married to an abusive husband.

None of us can assume how happy or unhappy other people are. But, we should know whether we, ourselves are happy. And if we’re not – please do something about it. No one can make us happy except ourselves. But from the tone that I read in those articles, it appeared that these people are asking the Government and policy makers to do something so that they CAN be happy.

I find this so typical of Singaporeans. It is like knowing you’re hungry and yet, expecting others to feed you and if no one does that, you’d rather starved yourself to death rather than look for food. So if you think that you are unhappy, please do some self reflection and do yourself a favour - find ways to make you happy.

For example, if you are unhappy about your job, go look for a new one or do a review on the current job. Maybe, the job that you have is actually not so bad. Change your attitude towards your job. Change your perception about why you are working. Change your perception about life. There are so many things that could be done to make us happy and these are usually simple things that don’t need us to fork out a single cent. The most important one is having a positive mindset. Happiness is, after all, a state of our mind.

There will always be at least 2 ways of looking at events happening in our life. We can look at them either in a negative or positive way. It is always up to us – how we want to look at things. We always have a choice. And being happy is also our choice. If one chooses to be happy, the condition of one’s life should not matter. It does not matter if one lives in a war zone, in a state of poverty or in a peaceful, prosperous environment. It does not matter if one works all day long or loafs around, jobless.

If you are happy with the way things are then hey, you are just happy. No one should be asking you to do things that make you unhappy - just because they assume that those other things that make them happy will make you happy. One man’s happiness could be another man’s misery.

Having said that, I am not going to suggest any ways to make you happy – because I am sure, you know what makes you happy and whether you are leading a happy life. (I hope you are.) Of course, some may ask what about those who pretend to be happy when they are actually not. If such people exist, I feel sorry for them but who am I to actually judge these people – maybe they are happy pretending they are happy! And if I really want to find out whether they are happy – I just need to ask “Excuse me, are you happy?”

Building Character

2006-05-31T14:22:00.000+08:00

As a mother, one of the most important things that I want to build in my children is character. To me, a person’s character is a fortress against the harsh tides of life. A person’s character will determine how he weathers the storms that he faces in his life and how scathe he will be when he gets out of them.

Unfortunately, I don’t seem to see much of this character building in our society. People tend to focus on personality, a quick fix rather than work on building character that has a lasting and more concrete effect. For example, I see many people who dress well and speak well but lack qualities such as integrity and responsibility. I notice that many are more concerned about how they appear to others and how to manage other people’s perception, rather than to work on themselves to develop good social qualities.

I have always believed that who we are in the inside will show on the outside. Good character is what I want my children to have – in the inside. Without it, no matter how much we want to hide or even deceive others into believing that we are as good as we look, our true colours will eventually show. People will know who we actually are– even if it takes years for them to discover.

I have met people with good qualifications, who hold top posts but lack good character. They are appointed as leaders but have no leadership quality. They don’t care about others – they just care about themselves. I am sure every one of us has encountered with such people. It is becoming rather common in our society where one is judged more on paper qualifications rather than his personal qualities. It is a sad fact.

Getting knowledge is important but not at the expense of values such as humility and generosity. Children should not only be taught to be hungry for knowledge but also on the need to share the knowledge that they have. They should be taught that hoarding knowledge or money do not make them wiser or richer in any way. They should be taught that Allah’s knowledge and wealth is more than enough to go around. They should be taught that Allah can give any knowledge and wealth to anyone and that there is no such thing as secret recipes or formulas for success.

These values are not taught in schools. So it is up to us, parents to instil these qualities in our children. It is not easy. But, neither it is impossible. As parents, we are our children’s role model. They learn from our actions. I guess that is the difficult part of parenting – we need to be consciously aware of our behaviour. We need to discipline ourselves first before we can get our children to discipline. We have to make sure that we build our character first before we pass them on to our children.

Come on…It is just a Simple life.

2006-05-30T11:14:00.000+08:00

In the past, if anyone were to tell me that his life is simple and that he usually gets what he wants, I would be very sceptical. I would wonder whether he is of sound mind or whether he is just complacent and plain lazy to make a different. But now, I beg to differ.

Life is indeed simple. It is our perception to life and our perception to people around us that make it difficult and at times, almost impossible to handle. Strange but true, it is us who make our simple life difficult. We make things difficult for ourselves.

As humans, we are hardly satisfied and gratified with what we have. We think too much. We question too much. We always think that we can do better than others. We think that we are “holier” than others. We always think that people out there are constantly looking for our mistakes. We think that others are ingrates. And we always ask “why must it be me?” when misfortune befell or “Why not me?” when others struck fortune.

If only we could stop to “smell the roses” or just listen to the chirping of the birds. Reflect and be grateful for all that Allah s.w.t has given us. Life is simple. It has to be because it is too short to be made difficult. Our time on this earth is so limited and yet, sometimes, we are obsessed in always achieving worldly success that we compromise our belief, our values and our faith.

We are obsessed in making sure that our children get top marks for their exams. But 10 years down the road, will anyone actually remember those excellent grades? Will anyone actually remember even the top PSLE aggregate for that matter? We are obsessed with being No 1 or achieve “world-class” status in almost everything that we do. 10 years down the road, will anyone remember who is No. 1 or who has better class than the other?

Yet, we let these immaterial issues get to us, make us stress. We huff, we puff, we curse and swear when we don’t get what we want. In the first instance, are we 100% sure that what we want is actually good for us? We can never tell, can we?

If we just stop, just for a moment and be conscious of the way our heart beats, be attuned to our sense of smell, hearing, taste, touch and sight. Open our hearts and mind to see what Allah has given us. Masya’Allah, we have been given so much and yet, many times we ask for more.

We chase after many material things – thinking they will make our life better and make us happier – not knowing that what we have now is what really makes us happy. Life is simple. Let’s savour it now with Alhamdullilah. 8)

Full-Time Mom

2006-05-24T15:51:00.000+08:00

When I am asked to introduce myself, I always say that I am a mother. Many a times, others would ask whether I am a full-time working mom. Obviously, the answer is yes. But, I always make it a point to say that even though I work 12 hours outside home, away from my family and children, I am still a full-time mom. My real job starts at 6.30pm when I reach home.

I know of many mothers, sometimes even myself, who often forget that our real job is to raise our family. Our main responsibility lies in developing and nurturing our children. The future of the next generation is in our hands. That is how powerful and influential we, mothers are. And yet, many of us forget the real meaning of becoming a mother.

I am not advocating that all mothers should stop work and look after our children although many mothers would view this as the ideal situation. In reality, we have to accept that each one of us is given different set of life challenges, unique to us. And like it or not, some of us just have to work. It is the better of whatever choices that we may have.

For whatever reasons that we may have to work, there are times that we get drawn into the abyss of the working world such that we forget that there is more to life than work. We forget that our children need us to raise them. I know of mothers who leave their children in the hands of helpers, who in the end become surrogate mothers to their children. I have heard of mothers who think that once they gave birth to a child, their job is over. I have heard of children who would cry endlessly when their helpers return to their home countries but had never shed a tear when the mothers went to work.

I wonder how these mothers actually feel. Don’t they feel hurt that their children don’t miss them? Don’t they feel left out when their helpers know more about their children than them? Don’t they feel that now they are actually dispensable and their children don’t need them to be around? Maybe these mothers actually feel hurt and left out but they also feel that work comes first – for the time being.

I am not in a position to judge these mothers but from a personal point of view, I just don’t understand the logic of work taking precedent over family, when work is replaceable but family is ours forever and as Muslims, we are even answerable how well our offspring turn out.

One thing for sure, I know that I am clear about my priorities. My family will always come first. I believe with such clarity in mind one would know what needs to be done in the office. I think that I have become a more efficient “machine” at work. There is less time wasting activities. Work gets done right the first time and at times, way ahead of schedule. I do get asked once a while why I don’t stay back to work. I mean why should I? I have done my whole day’s work on time. Besides, I have a real job waiting for me at home. Lest anyone forgets, I am a full-time mom and that is my real job.

Simple Pleasures

2006-05-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

I was memed by Lizanoor. Thank you, sis. 8) At least I have something to update.hehe. Anyway, the truth is I was on course for 1 week and did not have any access to computer during the day. I do have access at night but I was too busy doing other things so I put my blogging activities on hold.

So here goes….10 simple pleasures (start yawning – it is pretty boring and normal..hehe)

Pleasure 1 : Waking up in the morning and knowing that I am still alive and seeing those I love still breathing next to me.

Pleasure 2: Kissing my children

Pleasure 3: Getting a scent of my youngest “baby smell” when she just wakes up. Hmmm…Best!

Pleasure 4: Remembering my other 3 older children’s smell when they were young.

Pleasure 5: Getting and Giving hugs to the special people in my life

Pleasure 6: Sipping my morning coffee.

Pleasure 7: Sitting by the beach, looking at the waves, enjoying the scent of the sea, taking deep breaths

Pleasure 8: When it rains and I am not working!

Pleasure 9: 5:29:30 – Count down to 5.30pm when I knock off from work

Pleasure 10: Just being with people who I care

Anybody fell asleep?….zzzzzzzz 8p

No Mood

2006-05-09T11:33:00.000+08:00

For the past few weeks, I have no interest in updating this blog. No that I don't have any ideas of what to write but I have been consumed with following the elections and the final showdown that I forgot about this borrowed space of mine. Maybe, in the next few days, the writing mood will catch on again.

I am hoping that by writing this short entry, it will trigger the mood for updating. The routine of my daily life is getting to me, a bit. I really need to break the routine - do something different, go for a holiday (haven't been able to do that this year).

That's all for now - a short & sweet entry. 8)

Having Choices

2006-05-02T16:45:00.000+08:00

We always have choices – in fact, we are spoilt for choice, because living is all about making choices, whether it is right or not quite right is a different story altogether. And how do we go about making decisions? Generally, we look a little into history, we try to look forward into the future and then, we follow our gut feel, our instinct, our judgement and make a decision.

Most times, we don’t rely on facts and figures to back our decision. It is just pure judgement on our part. The outcome of that decision is a responsibility that we have to take – be it good or not so good, we have to accept whatever the consequences and move on.

Talking about choices, finally, I get to vote on May 6. I am excited. I mean after 13 years of waiting, I am finally getting the chance to make a difference. And that 1 vote that we have is very precious to any political party – it could be a win or lose situation. So vote wisely! 8p

That’s all for now, folks. In the meantime, have a great time making your decision this week. Remember, voting is compulsory 8)

Remembering Those I Lost

2006-04-26T17:19:00.000+08:00

I know some people who think it is morbid to think and let alone, talk about death. I was one of them, until my grandma passed away in front of my eyes in 1999. I was with her at the final moment. I remembered touching her feet and they were ice cold. If I were to say that I was not afraid, I would be lying – because I was. I could only afford to say a prayer in my heart that Allah would make it easy for her to go. It was not that I wanted my grandma to die quickly – but I wanted her to go peaceful. My grandma breathed her last breath with my grandpa next to her, stroking her hair, whispering prayers in her ears and I heard him say,” Mon (my grandma’s name was Maimon), if you have to go, I’m willing to let you go.” My grandma passed away surrounded by her children and grandchildren. It was the morning of Aidil Ad’ha 1999. I will never forget that experience that Allah has given me – to learn and treasure.

I did not get to see my father during his final moments – that was in August 2004. I was not with him. I remembered Mak telling me not to tell people that I was not around when it happened, for fear that others may label me at the “unfortunate” or “undeserving” child. Apparently, there are some Malay elders who believe that if the child is not present or if the deceased did not see any one of the children, the child will be looked upon as someone who must has done something wrong to the deceased. Some Malays do hold close such unfounded beliefs. But, it did not bother me. What they spoke of me behind my back did not and will never bother me.

Though some people may say that my father’s death was somewhat sudden, I was not really shocked by it. Deep in my heart, I knew one day he would go. And on that day, that very day, while I was in the MRT and it passed by my friend’s block whose father passed away early that year, suddenly my heart just whispered,” Ana’s father just passed away. I wonder when my father…” I remembered stopping myself and deviating my attention and thoughts to something else. I wondered now whether it was Allah’s ways of telling me or reminding me to at least call him or talk to him. I don’t know. I regretted brushing the thought aside because I never got another chance to talk or see him. The last time I saw him was 3 days before and looking back, I wished I had just picked up the phone and talk to him.

There’s no point regretting now. But Allah taught me a very important lesson – don’t take anyone you love for granted and always listen to your instinct – it is hardly wrong.

I remembered receiving the phone call from Mak that same night, telling me that Abah had collapse. She did not elaborate further and just told me to stay home as the ambulance made their way to TTSH. I knew something was not right but Mak had always been someone so strong, even in a moment such as this, she sounded calm and assuring. I have always been taught that the best gift we, children, can give to our parents is just our du’a. And that was the only thing I did. I prayed to Allah, half-knowing, half-rejecting that maybe it was time for Abah.

I could call it mere coincidence but I believe it was Allah’s perfect timing. Right after I said my last salam, the phone rang. I knew that was it. I cried because I wanted to at least see him, touch him, hold him. But I never had the chance. I always dreamt that when Abah grew old, I would be able to ferry him from one place to another like he did when I was young. But I never had the chance.

But Allah knew what was in my heart, how I felt about the loss. Abah came to me in my dreams – holding my hand. I will always remember that dream vividly. Allah gave me the opportunity to ask him, why he left me so soon. I remembered him smiling and he appeared to have said that he would come and see me again, though I could not remember seeing his mouth move. And he did – a few times in my dreams.

Exactly a year ago, Abah came again in my dreams. It was the night before my birthday. He smiled and he always looked young. It was as if, he was wishing me happy birthday. Last night, I didn’t dream of him. But I did not matter because without him, I won’t be here celebrating my 34th birthday – with eyes brimming with tears but a smile on my face - remembering him and Nenek for all the sacrifices they have made and knowing yet accepting that I will never ever be able to repay their kindness.

“Quality” & “Equality”

2006-04-21T09:53:00.000+08:00

Whenever I ‘m asked how I divide my time among my 4 children or how I ensure that I was spending quality time with each one, I usually keep quiet. I just don’t know how to answer such question. To me, it is a matter of just going with the flow. Thinking about it now, I don’t think that I really make a conscious effort to ensure “quality” or “equality” when I am with my children.

How do one measure “quality” or “equality” for that matter? A more fundamental question should be what is “quality” or “equality”? I am sure every one of us has different understanding about these 2 words. For me, having quality time with my children is just being there. It can be just a simple activity of watching TV together, having dinner together or just being in the same room with them – they do their own activities and I do mine. Whatever the activity may be, my children know that I am there with them and if they need any help or just want to talk about what happened during the day, they know I am physically there to help. And even if I am not physically there, I make sure they know where to get me.

I don’t agree with some people who think that quality time means spending meaningful activities with them and lazing around with your children is not quality time. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we should not do any meaningful activities with our children such as playing games or reading books together. But what I disagree is why do we limit quality time as having such activities only when there are many other effortless things that we can do to make our children happy.

When I had only 1 child, I was sold to this idea of quality time. Whenever I spend time with her, I would plan what to do – all those so called meaningful activities. It reached a stage where I felt compelled to carry them through even though it appeared that my child and I were not actually enjoying those activities. So instead of actually enjoying ourselves, I ended up stressing myself for trying to ensure I had quality time with my child. On hindsight, it was silly – even ridiculous. But, as a young mother and with no experience, I had no other form of benchmark. I took in practically all ideas that I read in the countless parenting books, ignorant to the fact that every child and mother is different.

As our family grew from 1 child to 4 children, I learnt that children have very simple needs. To them, as long as we devote a little of our time to their needs, they are happy. They are happy when we pick them up from school. They are happy when we watch TV together with them. They are happy when we just sit at the dinner table with them, eating together. Just simple activities, make them happy. So I changed my perspective of having quality time. It is about making my children happy and making us, parents happy.

On the “equality” of time, I think no human can actually divide his time equally to meet the needs of those he love. And because life is so unpredictable, we can never tell who needs more or less of our time at one certain moment. Sometimes, my eldest child complains that I seem to spend more time with my youngest one. My answer is and will always be that she is always the one that I have spent most of my time with – simply because she is the eldest and if only she could remember when she was young, she was the only child for 3 years and had my full attention. I also usually remind her that her baby sister is still not as independent as her and needs more attention and care than any of her siblings. I know she may not be satisfied with that answer for the current moment. But I hope as years go by, as she grows older, she will understand that “equality” of time only exists in theory. In real life, it is wholly dependable on the needs of the individual who we want to share our time with.

So, in the future, if someone were to ask me how I ensure that I divide my time equally among my children and how I spend quality time with them, I hope I remember to refer them to this entry in my blog and I can still remain quiet.

The Things About Women

2006-04-13T16:27:00.000+08:00

“What is it with you, women?” We hear this most of the time; from our husbands, boyfriends, bosses and even co-workers. What is it about us, women that these men can never understand? Are we too mysterious, too complicated or may be are we just too smart for them to handle? Maybe.

But the thing they don’t really know about women is that we, women also don’t understand our own kind. How many of us have worked with a female boss who is a tyrant, who does not understand what other women want? How many times have we heard our female colleagues complaining about their female bosses? And how many times have we heard wives saying that they trust their husbands but they do not trust THAT OTHER WOMAN?

I know that women are very critical of one another. Some men may refer to this act as “bitching”. I am not sure the reason for us to act as such. Is it because we always treat our own kind as our competitors? Or is it because we have such high expectations of other women that we get disappointed in them too easily?

I was once in a lift with around 5 women. One of the ladies was working in the customer service department, she was dressed rather well and had very little make-up but she did look presentable to me. Where I work, those working in the customer service department were handpicked – let’s just say they are supposed to be better groomed than those from other departments. Well, in that lift with me was another lady, not from the customer service department but was heavily made up, very attractive and better groomed than the other. She was glaring as the customer service officer, with a look that could kill.

When the customer service lady stepped out of the lift, this other lady made a nasty remark to her friend, she sneered “Look at her. How can they choose her to work at the customer service department? Dunno how to put on make-up properly.” You have to look at her whole facial expression to get the full effect of what she was saying. I thought it was quite mean. But then again, maybe I could have “unconsciously” done such mean things before to other women. And I had just conveniently forgotten about them. Which we, women usually do anyway.

We are quick to erase our own misdoings but we will always remember the wrong things that others have done to us. We will say that we forgive but we will never forget. And when the time is right (sometimes, it may not even be right), we will bring that unforgotten but forgiven issue up. I guess that’s why men say they can never win arguments with women.

And is it true that we, women don’t really say what we mean? Is it true that we, women cannot handle the truth such that we would rather have our partners tell us white lies about how beautiful and slim we look so that we are not hurt by their frank feedback or remarks? Could all these “things” said about women be true?

I cannot answer for every woman. But honestly, there are some of the things I mentioned here that hold true for me. Now, woman, how about you?

The Beauty of The Malay Language

2006-04-06T09:53:00.000+08:00

For someone who thinks in English and writes in English most of the time, it would be easy for others to perceive that I don’t appreciate my mother tongue, the Malay language. Maybe during my single days, I had been more western-influenced such that I preferred not to be associated to anything Malay. Maybe, it was due to the perceived mentality that the Malays were a conservative lot.

But as the years added on to my age together with maturity and wisdom (I hope), I have learnt to appreciate the Malay language in a deeper sense. In my younger days, I could never understand others who kept on saying how beautiful the Malay language was. I didn’t bother to study the language. Instead, I followed the crowd and learnt French. And followed the crowd again in my comments on how beautiful the French language was! Well, the French language is beautiful in its own ways but so is the Malay language.

There are certain words in Malay that could not be described as well in English. For example, just mention “naluri” – listen to the sound and compare with this in English “instinct”. The gentleness in the Malay language is so evident. There are many idioms in Malay that is like music to the ears – “Tak kenal maka tak cinta” or in English would be “To know somebody is to love somebody?” Any direct translation just does not sound right or does not have the right impact.

In the Malay language, we have “syair”, “puisi”, “gurindam”, “pantun” – all are different versions of rhyming words but the English language only have poetry or poems. Unfortunately, not many Malays are actually interested in expanding or cultivating the Malay language. Just look around us, the Professors that teach the Malay Language in NUS are not Malays. If I remember correctly, one is a Thai and the other is a Malaysian Chinese. The latter even wrote a book on the Malay language. So what happened to the Malays? I think I know. They are just like me – learning another language! We prefer to learn other people’s language instead of our own. And this is when this Malay proverb becomes an apt advice “Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang digendung keciciran.” The closest English translation that I can think of is - Not only do you lose what you hold close but you will not get what you want. In the end, we lost and become experts in none.

It sounds negative, doesn’t it? But to me, it is true. When we do not know who we are, how can we know what we really want and what is good for us? So before we start learning about other people’s language and religion, shouldn’t we be experts in our own language and religion first? Why must we think that other people’s language is better than ours? Can we make it different for our future generations so that they can be effective bilinguals since English has become a “necessary” language?

I think we can. We just need to change the way we think about the Malay language and that we will not become second-class citizens just because we are Malays who speak Malay. Otherwise, we will just be like those Singaporean “bananas”, who are yellow on the outside but think they are white in the inside. We can create a “Gemilang” Malay generation for our children.

I leave you with the chorus of a Malay song titled “Gemilang”. I think if it is translated in English, it will do injustice to the song. Enjoy.

Lalu ku redah onak duri
Dan lautan api
Kemuncaknya ingin ku tawan
Aku jelajahi

Kini Gemilang itu semakin
Pasti ku genggam
Gemilang suara keyakinan kian dalam
Gementar harus jangan
Jiwa ku harus bertenaga
Mungkinkah ini menjadi realiti

Leap of Faith

2006-04-05T16:39:00.000+08:00

I made an important decision recently. I am not sure how things will be. But I have faith and believe that things will turn out well, insya'allah.

As I look back to the events leading to this decision, it is simply amazing to realise how Allah has perfectly lay down my life for me and how subtly HE answers my prayers. HE gave me something that I did not want initially. I was disappointed for a while. The next day, HE gave me what I had asked in a manner that I had least expected. Only when I reflect on what happened did I realise that Allah, our ultimate provider, has given me what I wanted all this while. Masya'Allah. I cried on that day. It is a wonderful feeling to know that HE is looking after you in a way that you do not know.

I am aching to tell more but the time is not right. Maybe, I'll blog about it some time in the future.

Taking Stock of What I Have Done...

2006-03-27T17:03:00.000+08:00

The other time, a few girlfriends and I had lunch and this million dollar question was asked…"What have I done for the past 30-something years?" If you girls are reading this, I am haunted by this question day in and day out. Never a day did I actually stop thinking about it. But this profound question puts many things into perspective – for me at least.

I’ll be 34 in a month’s time – an apt time to reflect on what I have done so far. Nobody knows how many more years, days, minutes or seconds that we have left on this earth. To me, this question triggers so many other questions like what is the purpose my existence? What is my mission? What do I want to leave behind? All questions that needed to be answered by none other than ourselves. We have to be true to ourselves – we owe that to ourselves. No point in lying to ourselves by thinking that we have done all the good that we could.

I admit I have many bad habits, habits that bring me nowhere or even are detrimental to my well being. I try to wipe them out but It is difficult to change yourself. Old habits do die hard – especially the bad ones. It is very easy to get caught by bad habits, you just get hooked. If you have people near you who have these bad habits, it is much easier to join them. Like peer pressure. No wonder, it is said that if you can’t beat them, join them; even if such act eventually kills you.

We ,humans, yearn for human acceptance, acknowledgement. That is why we enjoy the company of others. Being alone…well, it sucks. No one likes being alone. So even if everybody or the majority does something not right, our human tendency tells us to join them. Never mind that our values or principles deteriorate to the lowest at least we are “IN” rather than be a sore thumb sticking out of nowhere.

I admit it is indeed easier to go with the flow of the majority. No need to fight hand and foot to stay alive. But the “want” to blend in with the crowd causes us to stray away from our main purpose of living on earth. What the majority is doing need not be OUR purpose in life. We could just be wasting precious time. And time lost can never be recovered. We can only look back to see what we can salvage so we can make things right again, hopefully.

So back to that priceless question – What is our main purpose in life? Have we at least achieved a small percentage of it? Or have we not even met any target? Where do we stand now?

These questions can only be answered if we look deep into ourselves. It is for no one to judge but we will definitely be accountable for them after we leave this earth. We come to this Earth alone and we will ultimately leave it alone. So it is inevitable that we answer the question about our life – alone.

Disappointment & Expectation

2006-03-22T09:51:00.000+08:00

Most of the time, I don’t get what I want. I expect to get it, for whatever reasons that I have created in my mind to a point that I believe that I deserve it. And when I don’t get what I expect, I usually allow myself to be disappointed and sometimes get angry with whoever I think have a part to play in hindering me from getting what I really want.

Now, I don’t think I am the only human being on earth who constantly becomes disappointed whenever I don’t get what I expect. I am pretty sure most humans are like me. I guess it is only natural for us to feel disappointed. Disappointment and expectations are like the 2 faces of a coin, when one is up, the other is definitely down. They are correlated, interdependent with each other. When our expectation is high, we get disappointed too easily.

Throughout my coming to 34 years of living on this earth, I have had many, many disappointments – uncountable it seems to me. In my younger days, there were times when I lost hope of ever getting up. I cried openly and discreetly. I wished I could change something so that I’d get what I want. But, in most cases, I couldn’t point a finger at the exact cause. It was like getting one big slap after another, falling constantly and moving an inch seemed to be like eternity. It was times like these when I felt Allah’s true love. Love so disguised that we, with our human minds, thought that it is pain. But it is actually not pain - it is love.

I realised that to be constantly disappointed is a precious lesson from the Creator who loves us so much. When there is no one that we can turn to, we turn to HIM. We speak to HIM. We seek HIS help.

I also learnt that I am the cause of all the disappointments. I let myself be disappointed by having expectations on others whose actions are beyond my control. They are outside my circle of influence. And I learnt that I have to accept the fact that whatever I do may or may not influence whatever their actions. It is always and forever be a 50-50 chance.

This is not to say that we should stop having high expectations. In fact we should aim high - not for others but for ourselves, how we can improve ourselves and how we can be a better person tomorrow and the day after.

Expectations on others, if any, should be kept to the minimal. Be in our husbands, our wives, our children and even our friends or co-workers. We cannot expect them to do this, that and whatever for us. We should not expect gifts, hugs, promotions, salary increments or even to be treated well by others - although we may strongly believe that we really deserved it.

The only gift that is certain is what we give ourselves - the gift of not allowing ourselves to be disappointed by the action of others. If Allah whispers in their hearts to do all those mentioned above, if Allah wills, then Alhamdullilah. If not, then be it. Because the higher our expectations on others, the greater our disappointment will be.

But even if we do and say, we could not resist having high expectations on others, then we should just accept that things may not turn out as we expect them to be.

Back to Work....

2006-03-21T09:06:00.000+08:00

So this is my 2nd day back at work and I wish I am on leave again....Well, like everything else, there will always be an END and yesterday was the end of my holidays too. As the children went back to school, mommy & daddy has to go back to work. Unlike other school holidays, this time round, we decided to just stay here in old, "happening" Singapore. Most of our time was spent lazing indoors, watching P.Ramlee movies - away from the blazing sun and only venture to the nearby playground after Asar.

Talking about P.Ramlee movies, I guess no one will ever get tired watching his movies like Bujang Lapuk, Seniman Bujang Lapuk, Nujum Pak Belalang. P.Ramlee passed away before I was born and yet, I love his movies....and so do my children. We can watch it over and over again, laughing our hearts out. They don't produce such quality comedy Malay movies nowadays; classics that can last from one generation to another.

On another non-related issue, my nephew just had an operation, to correct a condition that had affected him since he was 18 months. He is 12 years old now. I am not sure what the medical term for his condition but in layman's term this is how it is - his neckbone was not steady like others, as one of the bone that is supposed to be fixed was moving and affecting his nerves so it affected the way he walked, he could not run straight and had difficulty turning his head. As a result of his condition, he was constantly at risk of being paralysed if he fell. So the operation was the last resort and a necessary one. As a parent, I know how my sister-in-law and brother-in-law must have felt. Your child's pain is your pain - maybe even more.

But my sister-in-law is a constant picture of calm. I really admire her, to be able to go through the ordeal of having your first-born go through a major operation and yet be strong. I remembered the time when my eldest daughter was hospitalised due to a fever. I cried when the nurse inserted a tube into her for antibiotics. I cried when people came to visit..and the other day, when I saw my nephew after the operation in ICU and saw the machines and more than 1 tubes inserted into him, and I observed my sister-in-law - she was just calm. When he cried in pain, she would just stroke his head and calm him. No tears. Not that she is without emotions, but her ability to control herself was amazing.

I learnt a lot from her - not from just this incident but on many occasions. In fact, I believe that we can constantly learn from others just by observing them. Not observe to criticise but observe and absorb the goodness - there is goodness.in everyone, I am sure.

Doing the RIGHT thing

2006-03-13T12:06:00.000+08:00

Many times I just want to throw in the towels and call it quits. Come to think of it, it is easier to quit than to work hard and be disappointed. Just like entry that I wrote last week on being sincere, it is to remind myself that I have to be sincere when I am working for others – this entry is to remind me to do the right things.

But like other noble virtues, it is easier said than done. The road ahead is filled with one challenge after another, especially when one is moving against the tide. It is difficult, to want to do the right thing but you hardly have any support from others – whose principles are so diverse from you.

An example, the whistle blowing issue that went on to being debated in Parliament on whether there should be legal protection against whistle blowers. Why is it that when someone wants to do the right thing, it gets difficult? The person may even be penalised for highlighting certain unscrupulous act by a higher authority even when they are doing the right thing. In the end, no one dare to correct the wrong – everyone prefers to stay quiet because they are afraid that their rice bowl will be affected.

However, as a Muslim, we know that our rice bowl or rezki is not held by any individual or legal entity but in the hands of Allah swt. We know. But why do we have very few Muslims who dare to even speak up against the wrongs of the society and/or organisations that we are working for.

Another simple example is when we read some Muslim bloggers write something that tarnished the reputation of themselves and/or other Muslims in general, not many will speak up and give advice to those individuals. Instead, most even myself included, prefer to keep quiet and move away. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid that people will no want us as friends? Are we afraid that we will get hate mails? I wonder.

There is a hadiths that says that the weakest of Iman is to keep quiet and move away when we see something is wrong. I am pretty sure many of us know of this hadiths but how many actually act on it. If we do as a Muslim should, maybe our Muslim society won’t be in such a decline state as it is now where being Muslim is just a religion that one is born into rather than the way of life that one really wants to lead.

Ikhlas - A Matter of the Heart

2006-03-09T15:41:00.000+08:00

Ikhlas – a word of Arabic origin which means sincerity and purity of intention. To Muslims, it is the core of every intention, the most important value that one should have and yet, the most difficult to achieve and pass on to our children.

How do we ensure that we are always ikhlas in everything that we do? How do we teach our children to be ikhlas? Just when we do our jobs, do we really do them out of sincerity or in expectation of some rewards in the future?

I have been thinking a lot on this, about being ikhlas. Am I being ikhlas when I say I want to do something or am I expecting some kind of reward? When we want our children to study, do we want them to study to get good grades or do we want them to study because it is the right thing to do? A complex issue don’t you think? At times, it may even be confusing.

I guess it all boils down to your inner-self, your heart. Frankly, as a flawed individual, I have done many things not out of sincerity. And on hind side, I wished I did. Because I realise that if we do something out of the pureness of our heart, we free ourselves from the burden of expecting rewards. We don’t get upset when we don’t get anything in return. We did it because we want to, and with no strings attached. And if we get some reward, it is pure bonus.

An almost perfect example is the jobs that we have. We work hard because we want our boss to notice so that we can be promoted and so we can have a higher income and live a more luxurious life. We look forward to getting something in return for the act that we do – motivational factors. But if we don’t get that reward, we feel disappointed, upset. Sometimes we even lose hope. So expecting something in return IS a real burden and it keeps us away from our main focus.

I may come across as an idealist (most probably a foolish one to some) if I say that the best job is usually done by someone who actually does it not for reward but believes that it is the right thing to do. I believe this is true. And that’s why it is said that we, Muslims, should strive to be ikhlas when we perform anything, especially if it is done out of our love for Allah swt.

There are times when we do thing out of sincerity but it is misconstrued as insincere by some. This happens to me many times. I do get disheartened. But I learnt that how other interpreted my actions, should not be so much of my concern because when it comes to the matter of the heart, it is not up to people to judge; it is actually between you and the Creator. Only Allah knows best.

A Letter to Nonoi

2006-03-06T08:57:00.000+08:00

Sayang Nonoi

You do not know me, sayang. I am writing this letter which you will never get to read. I cried many times when see your face, read about the turn of events. How tragic. You had a beautiful smile, innocent big round eyes. Just like any 2 year old, who only wants to be hugged, loved and taken care of. My Nina will turn 2 by end of this month and she is just like you - adorable.

When I look at Nina, I think of you when they reported that you went missing on 1 Mar 2006. I had a weird feeling when your mom was interviewed, she was rather aloof about your loss. Though I could see that your grandparents were deeply concerned. And that night, I couldn't sleep. I had nightmares about missing children. I kept thinking of you and my children. On the way to office, while driving - I thought of you. I remembered saying prayers for you every single day, praying that they would find you safe and sound. You were only a child, sayang - just 2 years old. What do you know? How could you defend yourself?

As days went by, I kept on thinking - Would they ever find you? What were you doing? Did some kind soul took you home and did not hear the news of you gone missing? Did you get anything to eat? And how can no adult find you?

I prayed for your safe return into the arms of those who loved you. I hope and pray for a happy ending. But it was not meant to be....

Sayang Nonoi, you were only 2 year old and he hid you under that bridge - in a place so secluded that you would not have been found, unless he led the way. I don't know what really happened but even if it was an accident, why didn't he reported your death? Why must he hide you?

I cried this morning again - reading the news, a mere stranger I am but my heart aches for your loss, an innocent child who can never defend herself. Any human being, with a heart, would feel anger and hatred towards the person who did such hideous crime. May justice prevail.

I know you're in safe hands now, sayang. All things happen for a reason - sometimes beyond human's comprehension. Only Allah swt knows and I am sure angels are guarding you now, sayang. And your place will be in heaven, insya'allah.

Someone who mourn for your loss. 8(

Al-fatheha buat Nurasyura Mohamed Fauzi (Nonoi).

Is Life all about Gossiping?

2006-03-03T09:39:00.000+08:00

There is a saying that goes “Seeing is Believing”. And I believe most people believe in that saying. If you see a friend’s husband having lunch with another woman, most of the women that I know will say that he is having an affair. If she overheard a conversation about a married man sms-ing another married woman, she start to suspect that he is having an affair. If she sees that a man is nice to the maid, she starts to think that he has something for her.

It all these circumstances, the real details are not known. We only see one side of the picture – not the whole picture. And as a human’s folly is usually interpreted as human’s wisdom, we act on that limited knowledge, which could actually be nothing. The worst that could happen is for us to give advice to our friends based on that limited knowledge and being women, the highly emotionally charged women we are, we usually give advices that most times add fuel to fire.

An example, a woman saw her friend’s husband having lunch tete-a-tete with another woman. The gossip mongering would start almost immediately. Then she would consider herself to be in a dilemma, to tell or not to tell. She thought that by telling she would be doing her favour but she may not realise that at the point of telling, she may insinuate that the husband is having an affair and then go on to labelling the wife as a poor thing and the husband; a bastard.

Little did she know, it was not an affair – it was an innocent lunch and there were not two of them, there were 4 other and the 2 were buying food. And what a fiasco she had created. Her act of unwanted “kindness” or “kaypohness” caused a breakdown in a marriage.

In all cases that we see, we only see a fraction of that whole picture. And most humans will jump to conclusion, and they would leap even more if it would create a sensational story and maybe their lives would be even more exciting.

Recently, I got a sms from someone I knew in the middle of the night. In it, she said that she found out so-and-so’s husband had sex with the maid. She said that her maid told her. And so beware of all maids. That sms was a total waste of my time! What benefit do I get from that sms? And what benefit does she derive from this? I know some women would sms that same message to other friends because I would end up getting the same message twice. Don’t these people have anything better to do?

This is fitnah. In case you are not in the know, it is a sin if you are a Muslim. First, you did not see it. Second, you are putting down the reputation of others. In the Islamic law, we need at least 4 witnesses who must be people of character before we can say that someone has “berzina”. If you are not a Muslim, it is still defamation. You can be charged in court.

I find it strange that people would rather be engaged in these non-beneficial affairs like gossiping, bitching about others than doing good to others or even themselves. Why do some people derive pleasure from other people’s pain? And why can’t they see that our time here is limited? We have only one chance to make something good out of our lives and others as well. So why waste it on gossips and hearsays and things that we don’t know head or tail.

Changing Perspective

2006-02-22T11:54:00.000+08:00

I think I am getting old. I just don’t understand the same language as these single-tons. I can’t seem to be able to see things in their perspectives. We no longer share the same wavelength. Just because I am married with children and they are singles – even though we belong to the same age group, we just can’t seem to understand one another.

Maybe after I got married, my views changed tremendously. I don’t know. Maybe I hold an archaic view that we, humans are created in pairs - that men are created for women and women for men. Maybe it is my religious background.

Working in a predominately female environment, there is no lack of single women in this entire building. In fact, there are plenty. They range from the younglings 20 something to the matured 40-50 something. I respect their decisions not to get married and raise families of their own. It may be due to some failed relationships resulting in the loss of trust towards men. But what I found puzzling is some of their views towards commitment and marriage is so-so……I just cannot find the right word – uncanny?

I thought when a man shows that he is committed, that he is not making use of you and is serious about marriage and having a family, he sounds like a good catch – someone who is a husband material and who can potentially become someone you can grow old with. So I find it strange that the single women I know get turned off by men that fall within this category. Most of them consider these men as “Desperados”.

I get remarks like “I don’t need a man to make me feel complete.” “I am sure you know that we don’t need to get married to have sex.” “Men are stupid and I’d rather play with them then be committed”. No wonder more and more Singaporean men are going to Vietnam and China just to get married. Because Singaporean women just wanna have fun!

Initially, I did not believe a friend who told me that it is difficult to get a girlfriend to be committed to a relationship. He is disillusioned with Singaporean girls. Being a staunch Catholic, he told me that “Most Singaporean girls are just happy to jump into bed with any man with no strings attached. They would rather have you just treat them as sex objects than have a committed serious relationship.” Maybe, he is correct. I hope not.

Things have changed but not for the better. Yes, in terms of economics and education – we have made improvements in leaps and bounds but our values have gone down by that same leaps and bounds. Starting a family, getting married is no longer one of the top priorities of Singapore singles. It appears that most singles are just working to get personal satisfaction – they don’t see the need to share their lives with a significant other.

One single-ton once told me,” If I am lonely and need sex, I just call a man who is more than happy to come by. If I am lonely and need a child, I just adopt. I don’t need a husband to make my life complicated. I am just happy being single.” Somehow, that remark made me feel sad for her.

Another Fatal Attraction??

2006-02-16T16:36:00.000+08:00

I am sure almost every one of us has heard stories about someone who is at the brink of killing himself/herself. We may have read in the newspapers or watched a show on the matter. In all these instances, we are just mere audience who watched from a distance. We are not too concerned about it because if it is on the screen than most probably it is just fiction, a figment of someone’s imagination.

But what if we actually know someone who has such emotional vulnerability and is quick to take his or her own life? How would we have reacted if the reason for the person’s reaction is because he/she felt that no one cares? And what if news has travelled in the grapevine that our act of concern and care has been wrongly taken as a way of showing affection towards that person?

Wouldn’t this make great storyline for a movie? But the harsh reality is such things happen in real life. No, I am not anyone of the character in the whole episode but I am just a passer-by who by Divine’s intervention got wind of what is happening. And I really empathize.

It is a mind boggling dilemma for the kind soul whose intent was just to be someone who that other person can talk to – just to be there for a friend in need. In a big organisation such as this, a person can really be lost without a kind helping hand. And being the kind soul he is, my dear friend will always find a way to help someone in need. It is just the way he is - the natural leader, the wonderful listener – admired by his peers, staff and even bosses. Basically, a great guy – married with a lovely wife and two children.

I mean what would you do if you were him and you discovered that this girl, with suicidal tendency has the hearts for you. We all know him before she came. I would call him a very straight, honest, loyal man. She, on the other hand, is nice but has a rather low self-esteem or lack of confidence – I perceive. She persevered because of her daughter. It is not easy being a young single mother and the sole breadwinner of her 3 generation family.

When she joined this organisation, she was still married and then we heard she tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists. We did not know the exact reason – we never heard of her husband. And this dear, dear friend of mine, being the perfect gentleman became a shoulder for her to cry on. She was depressed for quite sometime and he got her back on her feet.

Now, this perfect gentleman is getting the jitters because he realised that she saw him more than just a friend. (I think he is too blur for his good.) He wants to tell her that he has no feelings for her but he’s afraid or rather not sure of the right approach. He is concerned that she will go back to being suicidal. So you see, how straddled this poor man is.

I don’t know how to help him. I really don’t. I mean it could turn into a fatal attraction episode. I know he’s scared. I am pretty sure of that – I mean wouldn’t you if you were in his shoes?

Desperate Measure

2006-02-15T16:32:00.000+08:00

This blog is in dire need for some good entries. The blog-ger here is in no mood to write. The ideas are there - popping up when the blog-ger is in the loo, walking towards the MRT, standing in queue to buy food. Yeah, the ideas are there - but the blog-ger has no mood to even write it down. Yeah, they would make almost good entries, not funny, but worth archiving for future reads.

So the blog-ger is getting a little bit desperate as the blog-ger does not like the idea of a blog that has entries that have gone stale. You know it is not nice to serve your guest "readers" stale entries. So the blog-ger decided to do a little ex-pe-ri-ment - writing whatever that comes to mind. ah ah ah ah ah...yeah, including those pausing moments that we all have when we try to write something that makes sense or trying to make sense of what we write.

*Pause* *Blank* *The Mind is blank* *Blog-ger is simply staring at the screen*

Now, actually the blog-ger is in a blog-ging dilemma. The blog-ger could write something really juicy, gossips kind of juicy like Desperate Housewives kind of JUICY - using blog-ger's JUICY imagination since blog-ger has not watched a single episode of Desperate Housewives but watched the endless adverts of the show where everyone says JUICY while doing something involving APPLES. So blog-ger thought that to spice up the B.O.R.I.N.G blog, blog-ger could write a local version or a belacan version of JUICY. Maybe have a group of Hanyut Mats and Minahs do something with Belacan and they could mouth the word "BAU" in the most sensuous way. So there's a suggestion for SURIA to consider for their next HANYUT adverts! heh.

*mind blank* Seriously, blog-ger doesn't know what to write next. *mind blank*

So blog-ger is scrolling up and down to see whether enough has been typed to consider a decent entry. *giggles to herself* *shaking her head* *She heard a whisper - such a ludicrous entry* But blog-ger does not care. This is after all an ex-pe-ri-ment.

Blog-ger would rather have a stupid entry that a No ENTRY. Hmmm, that doesn't sound right. But blog-ger is assuming that the readers understand.. oh! at least the blog-ger who also happens to be this blog reader understand. Yep, I understand.

See, how desperate blog-ger is for a blog entry? Desperate Measure = Stupid Entry.

Newton's Law

2006-02-08T09:27:00.000+08:00

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". Only when this happens, there will be progress - a fish can swim, a bird can fly. Now, relate this with the current turn of events on the overzealous reactions of some Muslims on the blasphemous caricature. Does the reaction commensurate the act done by the European press? Or is it an over- reaction?

Many Muslims scholars all over the world has worked very hard to educate the non-Muslims that Islam is a peaceful religion. It is! Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was tortured during his time, was tormented with words of hate, disgust, thrown with stones and human wastes - and how did he react? Sabar. He showed us the best way to deal with conflict. Sabar. He never took stones to throw back at others or damage or kill others for revenge. He looked for alternative peaceful solutions - having a discussion, getting a formal agreement/ treaty. All these led to the progress of the Muslim World.

Violence was never in his way and should never be a Muslim's way. Even in the wars he fought, it was to defend Islam and Madinah against the Mekans attackers. And even when he led his army into Mekah, it was because the Mekans broke their treaty, not once but three times. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon) is the role model for us Muslims. He promotes the value of peace, the value of living in harmony with people from various religion. Islam teaches us tolerance. Islam does not force people of other religion to hold the same views as us. They can lead their way, and we will follow ours. All this is clear in Surah Al-Kafirun.

It is a never ending struggle if some Muslims persist on showing their reaction through violence. It gets us, Muslims nowhere. In fact, the sheer act of violence by other Muslims, put us at risk. We are viewed with constant suspicion and it caused us to stray away on our actual responsibilities of being Muslims in the first instance.

This whole saga is like a slapping incident - when the party being slapped decided to return the slapper with another tight slap. Angered and brimming with revenge, the slapper returned another favour - slap once more. So it becomes an endless slapping event. At the end of it, no one is better off than the other. Nothing is achieved - only extremely sore cheeks and palms and hearts filled with anger, hatred and revenge.

It is another challenge for us Muslims, yet again. Look back at the ways and mannerisms that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) had portrayed when he faced the continuous adversaries during his times. There are endless lessons that we can take, reflections that we can make. We have to work even harder to educate non-Muslims, other Muslims and even ourselves, on what Islam is all about, the teachings and examples set by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). We have to apply the Newton's Third Law of ensuring that our reactions should always equally commensurate the actions. There is always a better, peaceful, forward looking solutions that will create a win-win situation. Unless this is done, we will not be able to achieve any progress.

Let's think about it & Wishing you a blessed Asyura tomorrow.

Blog Therapy

2006-02-02T08:53:00.000+08:00

This may sound stupid or even strange coming from someone who has been working for more than a decade and is no stranger to any meetings - with small boys or big ones for that matter. I still feel the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach whenever I have to attend a meeting with key decision makers. It is the same feeling that I used to feel on every tests or exams that I had to sit. I just don’t understand why I feel this way when in most of these meetings, I just have to sit down - give some opinions if I have any and hardly need to make any presentation.

Yet, this uneasy feeling would mysteriously appear days before the meeting and oddly fade away the moment I stepped out of the meeting room. There are times when the anxiety escalates to a point that I would get nightmares or even insomnia nights before. Why do I feel this way? I just could not understand. Just like a few days ago, I could feel a sense of heightening anxiety that I could not explain. I know the reason. I have a meeting right after lunch today – with the decision makers. And the meeting is not about me, in the first place. It is about other things and yet, I feel fear? Stressed? Anxiety? I just don’t know what to describe it.

These last few days, I have been trying to make sense on why I feel this way. Some may say it is normal but being me, I like to get to the bottom of things. And if I can help myself by analyzing why I am feeling such, why not? There are several questions that came to mind. Could it be that I am uncertain of what the decisions that are going to be made? Could it be because I am afraid of saying the wrong things? Could it be that I am afraid that they will laugh at what I say or the way I dress? Could it be that I am afraid that they are assessing me while I am sitting there doodling instead of writing some high-level corporate jargons? Could it be that I am just trying to hard to make a good impression to the big boys?

As I write and read what I wrote over and over again, all these fears or sense of uncertainty that I feel are actually unfounded. I created these feelings myself by letting my imagination paint scenarios that I would not want to happen. I cannot control what others think of me. And I should go into that meeting with a clear conscious. Yes, I have done my job, the best that I could. These people, top management, the big players, key decision makers are human too. And some of them could be like me – nervous, anxious, or even afraid et cetera, et cetera.

They are not the ones I should fear. They are not the ones who actually determine my rezeki, fate or future. And I have not done any injustice to anyone, blackmailed any one or even backstabbed anyone – I am clean. I have done my fair share, my honest fair share. So why must I allow myself to feel stressed and uneasy? It is time that I discard these feelings; cast them out of my mind and my system.

And if, in future, I get these unfounded, non-beneficial feelings again, I’ll just come back and read this entry again. Isn’t blogging therapeutic?

Of Birds & Bees

2006-01-26T10:26:00.000+08:00

When a child reaches a certain age, questions like where do babies come from or why the face of a baby is almost similar to the father or mother becomes inevitable. As parents, we cannot avoid them or pretend that these questions are taboos that should not be answered.

I am glad I have daughters. I used to complain about not having a son. But I realised now, that it is so much easier for me to talk to my girls about what will happen to their bodies when they grow up and how they should look after themselves. I mean I wouldn’t really know how a boy develops to become a man. That would never be my forte.

A friend once told me that her mother never talked to her about menstruation, about sanitary pads, about giving births or even about wearing bras. When she reached puberty, she recalled that her mother was at a loss – did not know what to tell her. She had to learn on her own, figure out how to wear the pads. She was the only girl and she had 4 brothers who were of no help. And looking back, I realised that my mom was quite ahead of her times, she did tell me in details about this and that. And I knew when the time came, why all these things were happening to me. I was not afraid as I had anticipated it,

Another friend told me that his mother told him that babies came from under the armpits!!! He believed it for a long, long time. At an age where logic does not matter, children will always believe whatever the adult says, especially if it is the parents. It is no wonder that some teenagers think that they can have babies even by touching hands. Back to my friend, he said he felt cheated by his mother when he found out the truth – maybe in Sec 3 or 4 when he learnt biology.

We have heard many highly creative stories on where babies came from. Usually, I’d hear some parents mention that babies come out from the navel. It was common maybe 30 to 40 years ago when some parents even said that they picked the babies from somewhere – giving the false impression that the child was abandoned. An aunt told that when she was young, she thought she was adopted when in actual fact, she wasn’t. I mean, doesn’t this create unnecessary stress for the child? Maybe back then, there aren’t any better terms to describe this. And any direct reference to the private parts was construed as vulgar – which I don’t really agree. I’ll talk about it some other time.

But now, we have no such excuses. There are scientific terms that parents or educators can make reference to when explaining to the children about their changing body and sex.

Many of my friends have boys – which is actually good for me because I have many choices for future son-in-laws! For those with boys, how do you approach the subject of puberty? Do you ask your husbands to tell them? I’m just wondering.

BULLIES

2006-01-25T09:49:00.000+08:00

Bullies. They come in many shapes and sizes – some are big, some are small, some are really round and some are razor thin. But the top of the bullies’ hierarchy, the crème de la crème is that one who concealed the bully streaks well. He is the last person who you would suspect as the Bully – but the technique he adopts is true blue gangster-ism. He preys on those who he believed to be vulnerable, gullible and would stay quiet rather than cry for help. He has a niche of picking the right victims.

Some of us may have “him” in our offices. The nice guy armed maybe with many years of experience and walked his way up the corporate ladder – maybe holds a managerial position. He does small talk, seemed “genuinely concerned” about the welfare of others, appears to be sensitive to the needs of others. Some may be fooled to think that he is the champion for low paying workers. So be warned. The only agenda he has on his mind is his own. The only interest that he would like to hold is his own.

It is difficult to catch these Bullies red-handed– unless you are armed with a secretly concealed tape recorder or a camcorder all the time. He is very sleek in his actions, very cautious in the emails that he writes – making it difficult for the victims to report him. He makes sure that he has a clean record. He is an opportunist – he would go on his hunt when you are at your most vulnerable.

In the course of my career, I have met and worked with this type of professional bully. If I were to do a simple study, I would be able to show that the degree of office bully-ism is correlated to the number of years one has been in the organisation. And I have carried out some experiments on how to deal with these bullies.

It is a universal fact that a bully is basically someone who is actually afraid. He is afraid of many people – those who can stand up to him and those who are bigger than him – either in terms of physical size or the size of the pay check. Another way of putting it would be….He IS afraid, very afraid of his boss, the boss of his boss and the boss of his bosses’ boss. To them, he is the yes-man, all-can-do-man, the man who carries other people’s balls and a very willing party to kiss any bosses’ arse! *pardon my language*

There is proper recourse for victims of these bullies. You can stand up to them and refused to be victimised. You have a choice. I have met many people who constantly complained about being bullied in the office and what irks me most is that they constantly tell me that they have no choice. There is no such thing as “no choice”. You are the one who created a no choice situation so don’t complain.

I am sure if anyone who is pushed to the corner will find ways and means to retaliate. There are many ways to handle these unruly bullies. But leaving your job should be the last, the ultimate alternative. I have seen many talented, hardworking people who just leave quietly after being bullied. It is a decision that they make so I respect their decisions. It is a loss for any organisation.

I’ve always believe that every worker has his/her rights to be heard. Victims of office bullying must voiced out their concerns to someone of higher authority. Don’t give up too easily. The victims should not be the one who leave. It is the culprit who should. It is he who is negating the productivity level of the rest, creating a loss for the organisation. The tables should be turned, the victims MUST be cohesive and oust the bully. It is always the number game – Majority wins.

PS: Please don’t ask what triggered this. 8)

Just A Little Appreciation

2006-01-23T16:18:00.000+08:00

One of the reasons I enjoy blogging and bloghopping - not so much to find out what is happening in other people's lives but rather, how these special individuals think and the differing perspective that they may take for certain things that happen in their lives. It is enriching to me - to be able to take away some of priceless life lessons without actually experiencing it first hand.

Among the blogs that I visited, some left me with a very warm feeling, like I am reading something that I feel too. Even without meeting the person, it is as if we have met and known each other for the longest time. That is the beauty of the web world. It gives you the opportunity to “feel” connected even without “knowing” the person. And among these webs of blogs written by fellow bloggers in Singapore or overseas, I sometimes find quotes, words, expressions that a dear friend would refer to as "light bulb moments". They set me into thinking mode, into self reflecting, into self evaluating.

I believe it is Divine's intervention that I “stumbled” into some of these blogs - to remind me, to teach me, to re-educate me. And the comments made on my humble blog by all my dear friends never failed to teach me, remind me or show me different perspectives. It is refreshing indeed.

Sometimes, I forget that this - this blog does not belong to me. I am a merely borrowing the space to put my thoughts into words, to document how I see things in the present. My thoughts may or will change one day. I never know. People change. When I read my archive, I see many changes – the way I write, the way I think, the words I choose. It may sound strange to some but I do read my archive once in a while – and try to remember what triggered those entries.

It is, on the whole, a humbling experience. It is to me, seriously. It is amazing the things that you learn from others just, just by reading their blogs. It is a wonderful learning journey.

U-turn

2006-01-20T09:52:00.000+08:00

Coming to my ninth year of being a mother, the most difficult task at hand is disciplining my children. Be it shouting the house done or nagging till I turn blue, I am clear in my intent. I want my children to turn out as good, educated, well-mannered, socially accepted human beings. I am very clear about it but, unfortunately that noble intent of a mother is never clear to any children, mine or others.

In most marriage I know, the mother has always been the main disciplinarian for the children. That was the role of my mother and so was my grandma. We are strict to the core, no nonsense kind of mom. Whenever I misbehaved in public, I would get a pinch from a smiling face mom and the pinch would be aimed at a highly concealed part of my body. When I pulled a long face, I would get another pinch from a mom who never stopped smiling. I used to keep quiet in public whenever that happened but when it's my turn being mom, my children would turn to me and say in a loud voice, "Why do you have to pinch me??!!" and start wailing like I had hit them with a ton of bricks. So instead of the smiling mom, I would become the red-faced mom who felt like hiding behind the cashier's counter - turning round once in a while to see whether anyone had called the police to report a child abuse!

I found out that whatever method of disciplines that worked for my mom or my grandma no longer work for me and my children. It is exasperating when you found out that the only guideline you have is not operational. Sometimes, I feel that I am truly on the edge of cliff - no other way but to jump down to near death. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. Pass the baton on to my darling hubby whose degree of patience is far higher than mine. And amazingly, when he does turn on his discipline mode (maybe every time the moon becomes full) it works - the children listen and do as he says. He does not need to nag. He does not need to bring the house down or chase whoever in it out. He only has to say it once in his normal tone in just one breath and things get done! To me, it is a miracle. It’s like a dream come true.

So one night, when the children are all fast asleep, I sat down with the maestro to review my disciplinary skills. All this while, I have been using shortcuts - raising my voice, nagging and at times resorted to pinching, tapping them on the hands- actions that negate my original noble intent. Patience is the key. However, patience is one of my weaknesses. It is something that I really have to work hard to achieve.

It is a well-known fact that children need constant reminders of what should or should not be done. This is how their mind works. I know that. I know but ironically, I think it is common that parents do set limits on the number of time we need to repeat ourselves. We give them, maybe 3 or 4 times of constant repetition before we say "Ok, I've had enough of this nonsense and you are going to get it from me."

For the past8 years of parenthood, it was I who set my patience limit. I allowed myself to get angry when my reminders fell on deaf ears. Well, I always thought that my children had heard them but just refused to do as I say. I realise now that it might not be so. They may be just too engrossed in what they were doing such that they did not hear. So it is not a case of wilful defiance as I had presumed it to be.

Now, it is time that I make a U-turn. I have to go back and discard the ineffective disciplinary techniques that had passed down from generation to generation. I have to re-think and re-design new techniques that I can apply. But before that I have to learn how to be patient and really, really listen to my children.

To Do or Not To Do-nate

2006-01-17T11:20:00.000+08:00

It has been quite a while since I last update my blog. With the starting of the new year, new projects and deadlines, time is tight for this full-time working mom. And sometimes, I do feel a little bit "old" to blog but then again, we are never too old to do anything.

After the NKF debacle, I have become very wary when I am approached by youngsters asking for donations. Prior to that, I never thought twice about giving $5 or $10 donations when asked. I've always had the impression that every single cent of my donations would go to the intended beneficiaries. I always thought that these youngsters were volunteers - they were not paid a single cent and maybe received free meals.

Why I thought that? Because when I was in secondary schools, that was what I did. I volunteered to go down the streets of Orchard Road asking for donations. I was not paid. And at times, did not even receive a packet of rice for lunch. I didn't mind because I was contributing my time, instead of money (since I had none then) for a good cause. At that time, I was assured that the beneficiaries received every single cent donated. There was no hidden costs or hidden agendas.

However, after the infamous disclosure that only 10 cents actually went to the NKF patients and further brouhaha over other charitable organisations mismanagement, I stopped giving donations to anyone who asked on the streets. They can call me scrooge. They can call me cruel or even cold hearted but I have decided that it is best that if I want to donate, I would go directly to the organisation's office and give them my donation. No more relying on any intermediary party because I can never be sure how many percent of my donation actually goes to the organisation - if I donate through any boy/girl/man/woman on the street, even though they have a certificate to show that they are authorised to collect donations on behalf of certain organisation.

On a rather similar note, there is also a group of companies that assist Madrasahs and maybe non-profit organisation in getting donations by calling our homes. If you donate $10, you get some rempah, karipap, nasi beryani or other things that they may offer. Unfortunate as it seems, I am very skeptical about this too. How much actually goes to the Madrasahs we do not know. If I don't get the facts, I just get uncomfortable about donating. And saying NO to these people asking donations is not something I like. I hate to say NO. But I am sure a certain percentage goes to renting the premises to make calls, telephone charges, paying salaries to telemarketers, transport charges for delivery and the cost of the goods itself - so just a simple calculation, we can see not much actually goes to the Madrasahs. As donors, all these are hidden from us. Again, I feel safer donating directly to the Madrasahs, not through any other parties.

I am not advocating the idea that we should stop donating - rather, we should ensure that every cent or a very high percentage of our contributions actually goes to the intended cause, not to finance a private company or an individual. It is sad to read in Straits Times or even Berita Harian about companies or individuals who actually profited from our donations. They made big bucks and the actual beneficiaries got little - maybe, almost none.

Differences

2006-01-06T12:14:00.000+08:00

Da just lost her father 2 nights ago. He passed away in his sleep. I have never known Da on a personal basis. Although we see each other every day, ours is just a working relationship, nothing more than that. I hardly know how she's really like as a person. Nonetheless, when I received news of her father's demise, I was sad. I understood how it felt to lose a father, mine passed away less than 1 1/2 years ago.

I went to the wake this afternoon. I was quite surprised how quiet it was. I never knew there were only 2 of them left. Now it is just her and her sister - both in their 40s, still single. Their mother passed away several years back and it appeared that they have not many relatives. Da was pale and even though, I could not see any sense of sadness or loss, I am sure these feelings were well concealed. I am sure that with the Chinese New Year coming, the sense of loss will be more significant- just like when I went through my 1st Ramadhan without Abah.

Da and I have no other common interest, except for work. We worked well initially for a couple of years and then our differences got the better of us. The differences were so glaring to ignore such that whatever relationship that we had, became almost irreconcilable. Nonetheless, it would be presumptuous if I were to just put total blame on her for being so uncompromising. Because maybe I also played a part.

We were constantly battling our silent "cold wars". We only talked when it was necessary. We only met during meetings and it would never be pleasant, neither for us nor others who attended. Looking back, it really was ridiculous! Two career women acting like spoilt brats - both of us wanted to be right. Both of us refused to come up with a compromise.

When I returned to work last February, I thought "let bygones be bygones". Why can't we just put our differences aside so we can work better together. But Da just didn't want to budge, she was fixed on her views - no compromise. I was left with no choice but just to ignore her. Over the past 6 months though, I noticed the subtle change in Da. It was beginning to feel like the old days once again. It started with a smile and then it proceeded to hello-s and hi -s. We still don't do small talks. But I believe there is still some hope.

When I heard of her father's death, I thought it is about time that we put our differences aside. After all, she just lost someone so close to her. It would be cruel if I were to take revenge when she is at her most vulnerable. I remembered at the peak of our disagreement, my father passed away. I was bitter that she neither visited me not said her condolences. She was cold even after I returned to work. Revenge would be so tempting at this point in time, wouldn't it?

But why should I stoop so low? We should just move on. I hope our old wounds would heal. It will definitely take time but there will also be a way for us to understand each other's views better. So I made my way to the wake. I could see that she was quite surprised by my presence. I just wanted to show that I, too, have feelings. I too feel sad for her although we come from totally different race and religion.

I saw for the first time how Da really is, out of her career suit. She seemed so lonely. Just her sister and her. No father, no mother. I didn't even see any friends. The only act of kindness I knew was to show that I did care. And to do that I have to put our differences aside - once and for all.

Tudung - My story

2005-12-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

Tudung - a highly sensitive, emotional and even political word. A word that evokes protest to some, and passion to others. "Tudung" is simply a Malay word that describes a piece of cloth that covers the head & neck of a Muslim lady. Yet, it has created an avenue for political agenda sometime in Jan 2002. I still remembered that year where pictures of innocent dole eyed 7-year old girls in tudung were splashed all over the major newspaper here, in Singapore. They were the center of "wrong" attention.

It was mentioned by the media that the parents of these girls had some political agenda. Whatever agenda it was, as Allah knows best, I'd like to believe they did it with their child's interest at hand. They wanted the best for their children, be it ukhrawi or duniawi. I thought it was rather commendable.

Nonetheless, I was not one who "covered up" at such a young age. Looking back, I may have been quite a rebellious and difficult teenager, especially for my father who was an "ustaz". I wondered the stress I had put him through since I might have set many tongues wagging against him, for maybe not being an effective parent. I could imagine some people saying that how could an ustaz allow to his daughter to dress in such a manner. And some may even put him in their bad books and associated this act of mine as a case to make him an ustaz with no calibre.

I do hear this sort of comments every now and then. But let it be clear that we should not mingle a person's profession with his personal and family matters. We see many counsellors, teachers and even politicians who excelled in their jobs, but left much to be desired when it came to family matters. I understand now why my father preferred to be called "Cikgu", because of the tremedous pressure he must have felt.

It may be puzzling to some, as to why my father allowed me to dress as such. And at that point in time, I never saw anything wrong with it. I had friends whose fathers were akin to mine, in terms of profession, and yet, they too were dressed like me. I believe it all boils down to how we dressed when we were still in school. After my father's generation when Madrasah education was highly regarded, it slakened during my time. I remembered Madrasah was mostly for those who dropped out of secular schools. The level of education went down, maybe without sufficient funding and good management. Till now, although Madrasah education has vastly improved, there are still some people who think that Madrasahs are still backwards.

During my schooling days, religious education took a back seat where most children only went to religious classes once a week. Nonetheless, Islam never took a back seat in our home. So at that time, though I was not covered up, the way a Muslimah should, I knew what a Muslim should do. Unfortunately, knowing and putting something into practice are 2 different things altogether. I knew but sadly, I refused to follow. I refused to be different. I chose to follow the crowd who wished to believe that it was alright not to cover up as a Muslimah. I chose to believe that a Muslim woman was given an option - to cover or not.

I received an excellent secular education and an accountancy "honours" degree to boast and yet after I had it all - I never had a peace of mind. I felt something was missing. I felt that nothing was on my side. There was a point in time where both my personal and professional life was at stake. Being a single woman, then, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I felt that I had burdened my parents and my friends. Many times I felt like running away, just to be alone.

It was during these times of turmoil and loneliness that I found myself. Allah the most gracious and most merciful who loved me more than I love myself, showed me the true meaning of being a Muslim. Whatever challenges HE threw my way, I realised that it was for me to find out more about who I really am, to rediscover what my parents had taught me when I was young.

By Allah's grace, I met many people, who now are my bossom friends, who helped me rekindled what my parents had taught me about being a Muslim. They brought me to religious classes, again. The basement mosque, just a few metres away from the Singapore River, was a place of solace for me - where I cried many times, listening to lessons that my parents once taught me and I had once chosen not to follow.

At one point, I did blame my parents but I realised if they had not allowed me to discover for myself who I really want to be, I may not be who I am now. I realised that I had chosen to be blind, blind to what was required of me at a Muslim. Allah swt has decreed that a Muslimah has to cover her aurat. For she is like a gem, her beauty should be concealed and seen by only those close to her. It is similar to having something you treasure so much, you love so much and you keep it away from the eyes of others, only you can see it.

So at 24, I decided to change, to put into practice what I knew, and I put on the tudung. I thought that I would be ostracised. But I was wrong. My profession and personal life got back on tracks. Amazingly, I have a peace of mind almost immediately. I see life in a different perspective, a better perspective. Relationships improved in many folds. Alhamdullilah. All those worries that I had, vanished.

I know of some who are harsh on those Muslimah who are still trying to discover themself. I know of some who criticise those who put on the tudung, but still wear figure hugging clothes. I know of some who sneer at those who wear the tudung for their "bad" behaviour. I'd say please don't push other Muslimahs away. Each individual needs time to discover themself, to find the truth. Every small improvement is a step to be better. And if you are not happy with how a "tudung'" lady is behaving, don't condemn her or worse, makes the assumption that all "tudung" ladies are alike - at least they did one thing right.

Mood for Reflection

2005-12-28T16:32:00.000+08:00

My last entry was one of those days when I just feel like writing nonsense. On a serious note, as year end approaches (be in the Gregorian calendar or the Hijrah), it is only natural for me to ask myself what have I achieved so far, in terms of physical, spiritual or material.

Looking back, 2005 has been a good year for us, our family. I started the year in slight trepidation, unsure of what it would be like to work again after being 5 months away. Alhamdullilah, we managed to held on to our professionalism and did not let any personal matters get in the way. There were many moments of awkwardness in the office arena, between some of us colleagues but we did not dwell on the past and decided to move forward. Now, more than 12 months after that "unforgettable" incident, it is amazing we can still work well together. It really shows how matured we all are.

In terms of other areas, I feel truly blessed by what Allah swt has given us. There are times that I feel so ashamed for the many times that I forget to say Alhamdullilah, the many times that my prayers were not as "khusyuk" as they should be, the many times that my niat may have gone awry. HE has given us so much, Alhamdullilah....Rezeki in its many forms. It is only apt that if I were to set any resolution, it would be just to become a better Muslimah.

But I won't call it a new year resolution because I don't need a new year to become one. It means starting now as in 28 Dec 2005, 5.00pm sharp. So to become a better Muslimah, I have made a list of things that I should do - as a constant reminder to me everytime I see my blog. I hope in days and even years to come, I have this as a benchmark for me to further improve.

(1) Be more khusyuk during prayers
(2) Not to delay solat till the last minute
(3) Perform jemaah prayers with family more often
(4) Improve on the reading of Quran
(5) Understand the meaning of the Quran - at least devout 1 day per week on this. Preferably together with family
(6) Do self reflection at the end of every prayer (make sure time permits)
(7) Make sure niat is right for every action

This list is not exhausted. There are still many things that I could do but this will do for the time being. I am not good at remembering quotes but wasn't it Confucious that said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ? Now, I have to start making that first step.

Kaypoh-ISM

2005-12-21T11:54:00.000+08:00

So bro Al-sayf has a long list of new year's resolutions, hopefully he accomplishes most of them even the hilarious "giving me a wedgie". I wonder how on earth he is going to do that! 8p Anyway, I don't have high expectations of myself especially in terms of setting goals. I just don't have the discipline but I have only 1 this year. Yup, only 1 - to achieve world peace! Nah! to get rid of the kaypoh-ness. Maybe not get rid off, but rather to reduce the percentage of kaypoh-ness in the WORLD.

Big goal huh? Mission statement - to reduce the percentage of kaypoh-ism in the world by XX%. Can I achieve it? Afterall, kaypoh-ism is endorsed by the President of the USA, who admitted that he authorized kaypoh-ness - otherwise, why should he be spying on others. It is ok to be kaypoh if it is national security. What about for personal security, personal comfort, personal interest? Is kaypoh-ism ok?

Picture this scenario. You and a group of friends were talking in the lift about getting new mobile phones and a friend was sharing on how her daughter put her handphone in a glass of water to drown it. Your group of friends laughed*daintily* and then you heard a loud gargling sound from behind and you realized that the man behind you was also laughing along. He was eavesdropping on the conversation! Some may say he got ears what? You cannot expect him to close his ears while you people talk! After all, Dick Chenney said it is ok to eavesdrop!

Picture another scenario. You just heard so-and-so was seeking a divorce because so-and-so's husband was caught red-handed (juicy, isn't it?) with a famous (or rather infamous) Malaysian's artist who was as "anggun" as can be. You searched high and low on all sorts of information you can get on her - where she lived, whether she was a divorcee, how many children from previous marriage. You can never get enough of the information on her. Then you proclaimed that you were her big fan and that's why you wanted to know everything about her - even to what brand of undergarment she wore.

So is this kaypo-ness? Some say nolah...This one case of obsessionlah. Where got kaypoh? We big fan of artist so we want to know more about the person lah. Great excuse but sorry to say but this is the ULTIMATE kaypoh. Kaypoh-ness that does not derive any benefit at all. I mean who cares if TOM CRUISE jumped on the couch on OPRAH and who cares whether he is INDEED a cradle snatcher and who cares if he is into scientology! Ooops, I do seem to know quite a bit aboutTom Cruise, don't I? The Media. Must be the Media - the chief of all Kaypohs.

So you see, this is definitely not an easy resolution. Kaypoh-ness is ingrained in human nature. It seemed we cannot survive without being Kaypoh. Kaypoh-ness is enveloped with definition like sharing of information like mothers finding out the grades of other children, gathering information like when it is time for performance bonus, you see people going from one cubicle to another gathering information on how much so and so get. And...and blog hopping, I think it is an activity that kaypohs enjoy! Now, wait a minute...ain't I one of them bloggers???? *thinking mode on*

Hmm...I change my mind. I have no new year's resolution. It is ok being kaypoh. Nothing wrong with it so let's continue with the blogging and blog-hopping in 2006. Hail to the Kaypohs!

EMAK

2005-12-19T10:06:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Mak's 56th Birthday. We didn't celebrate because she didn't want to. Maybe because this will be the 2nd time she celebrated her birthday without Abah. Sometimes, I sense her loneliness and I feel sad because there are times when I just cannot be there for her. As a wife and mother, I now have a family of my own to look after.

Although I miss Abah too but I am usually so busy with every day affairs, working, looking after the children et cetera, et cetera that I have no time to even think. Maybe that's why Mak does not want to retire so soon. She still wants to teach, the first and only profession that she love. She could not think of doing anything else except teaching.

Mak came from a very poor family. In the 1950s when many Malay family lived in big, spacious kampong houses, Mak lived in the slum areas at Waterloo Street with her parents and 6 siblings. Mak used to tell us that her house was only a makeshift hut. The soil on the ground was their floor. But Tok was (and still is, even though he is already 81 years old) a very innovative man. He made taps for his family so that there was no need for his daughters to use the common bathroom to bath or wash the clothes. With his measly income of maybe $10 per month and Nenek's work as a washer woman and selling goreng pisang, they managed to make a decent flooring for their house by the time Mak became a teenager.

Mak once told us that her family could not afford fresh food. They bought food that maybe no one wanted at very cheap price and sometimes even at no cost at all. Nenek would throw away the rotten parts and cook the remaining parts. Mak and her siblings used to wait for lorries that would come by and dump half rotten bananas near where they lived. They would collect these bananas so Nenek could cook them either as goreng pisang, pengat pisang or jemput-jemput. Nothing would be wasted.

Mak used to tell us stories of how others would make nasty remarks on the condition of their house. And there were occasions when people are invited, they would just stand at the doorway, refusing to enter. Embarrassed and hurt by the actions and remarks made by these people who were better off than her, made Mak even more determined to get out of being poor.

Her life changed after she met Abah. Abah was her savior, a gift from Allah. Although Abah was Mak's teacher in secondary school, there was some sort of a connection between them. Through Abah guidance, Mak became a teacher in 1967, right after her A levels. After her marriage to Abah in 1968, she brought her family out of the slums to their 1st rented HDB flat in Beach Road. There was no turning back after that. With the grace of Allah, life kept on getting better and better.

Mak taught me many things about life. She knew how it felt to be insulted, to be looked down upon, to be embarrassed. She taught me the importance of humility. No matter how well off or well education we are, never look down on others because one day, if God is willing, that person may be better off that we were. She taught me to always be grateful. Alhamdullilah is always the best word. She taught me about acceptance; that sometimes when we don't get things that we want, something better is always waiting for us. And alhamdullilah, she has been right all this while. She taught me that always give others the benefit of the doubt. She taught me that we will never be worse off by giving to others.

Although Mak is not perfect, as a human being she has her flaws too, she is a wonderful mother. Throughout the years, she taught me valuable lessons about being a wife, daughter-in-law and a mother. For all the things that she has done and is still doing for me, I could never repay her in terms of money or any other material stuff. But I will always remember her and Abah in my prayers. Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ibu bapa ku. Masukkanlah mereka ke dalam syurga dan jauhkanlah mereka dari azab api neraka. Panjangkan lah umur ibuku. Berilah dia kesihatan yang sempurna dan jauhkanlah dari penyakit yang merbahaya. Amin.

It's Not Friday???!!!

2005-12-14T15:29:00.000+08:00

So I speak too soon about work! And I thought it would be a relaxing week in December! Boo-hoo-hoo.

We Ain't Normal

2005-12-13T10:25:00.000+08:00

My 8 year old Nisa recently commented that our family is not normal. I was quite taken aback by that remark. My brain processed her comment to mean that we are not like other happy families. Maybe, we quarreled too much. Maybe the tyrant mother nagged too much. I was rather worried and concerned. Are we not normal? I thought we were.

We spend our time together most of the time. After work, there is no other option but to spend time together. We eat together. We read together. We watch movies together. We go out often. We hug and kiss one another with i-love-yous openly and frequently. And we EVEN sleep together - the 6 of us all in one room! I thought these are all the things that N.O.R.M.A.L families do. So what is it that made us NOT normal? Hmm, maybe the sleeping part....8p

As we walked hand in hand, on our way to eat at East Coast Park, I started to break out in cold sweat. I mean if a child said that her family was not normal, something must be wrong, right? It was frightening for me, her normal mother! As a normal human being, I just want to be normal and have a normal family. Anything, AB-normal or SUB-normal was something I don't want to deal with. It would be definitely taxing on the brains to be out of the norm. Normal should mean good.

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know her meaning of being normal. So I asked her. Her reply was "A normal family consists of a father, a mother, a daughter and a son. It is always shown on TV as such. Even in my books. How can our family be normal when we have Abah, Mak and 4 of us - all girls?" So this is how she defines normal...phew! I am most relieved. If that is her definition of normal then we don't need to be normal. Yes, we ain't normal. We are more than normal. We are just one perfect happy family. 8)

No Mr Arumugam?

2005-12-08T17:22:00.000+08:00

What has Arumugam got to do with this entry? None what so ever. I don't even know any Arumugam....hmm, Rajakapoor...got lah. 8p I am rubbing my hands with glee at the moment. I have finished THAT report. It is O.U.T. and hey! I have finished this year's workplan...and taking my time starting on next year's project. Maybe, they should award me the most efficient staff award...hehehe.

My leave for the long Christmas weekend has just been approved, thinking of going for another short holiday. 8) And Boss has no reason NOT to approve because being the exemplary worker (ahem!) I finished my work 3 weeks ahead of time. It is currently EGO boosting time for me, here in my blog...so if anyone feels like puking, go ahead! 8p Anyway, with TIME in my hands, I am going to blog, hop, blog, hop - ok, so I am dreaming here. There will be interruptions. There is no such day as NO-WORK-BUT-GOYANG-KAKI day.

Oh, before I digress further. I am supposed to talk about Arumugam and stereotyping. When you hear the name such as Arumugam, Muthusamy or the like of it, what comes to mind? Typically, we would think of an Indian man with thick moustache, curly black hair, dark, sharp features, maybe a bit stout, a bit of chest hair (hehehe), rolled-up long sleeves shirt, big round black eyes with curly eye lashes....stop. I have to stop...I am imagining HB! Isteri mithali, katakan. *LOL* Anyway, some people say my HB looks like Sharukh Khan (is that how you spell the name??) Some of you who have seen him, go out and PUKE! To me, he is more handsome than any Bollywood Actors. 8p I am digressing...AGAIN.

I mean you get the gist, right? When someone mentioned an Indian name, you'd think of such image. Well, for more than 5 years being in this building, I would bump into this nice, friendly Indian man almost every day who works in a department 4 floors down. We would usually smile and exchange greeting like any other colleagues. I never knew his name but because of how he looks, I immediately thought he "must" be hindu, tamil-speaking and had a name like Arumugam, Muthusamy or Rajagopal.

So recently, I managed to attend a course with this friendly man. And as usual, we starting out with ice-breakers, each one of us introducing ourselves. We have more than 5000 employers so there is a very high chance of not knowing people even though you have worked here for a decade! And it was time for him to introduce himself and I thought I'd hear a Tamil name.

Lo and Behold! I was in for a shock! No lah..his name is not Ah Chong! I would have peed in my pants if it was that. 8p It was something like Mohammad Ishak Bin Salleh...a typical Malay name. Dia cakap Melayu, tau? He is MALAY! *LOL* My jaw almost dropped in shock! It didn't, of course. I am a very DEMURE lady, you know.....hahaha Wanita Melayu Terakhir, katakan..LOL.

So the lesson I learn is don't stereotype. It is good that I didn't try to start a conversation with him about Deepavali or Thaipusam. Otherwise, I will have to hide everytime I see him...so malu!

Dreams Do Come True

2005-12-07T14:22:00.000+08:00

I promise myself that I will start writing THAT report after this entry. I have put that on hold for 2 days, the time has come for me to stop PROSCRASTINATING. Today, I have an itch to just update my blog. It is one of those days...so better maximise it.

So this entry is about DREAMS and my friend, Vic, who got married after 40, sometime early this year. Actually, Vic decided not to get married when she reached 30 but as she claimed...even she was surprised that she got married!

Vic didn't want to get married earlier on because she didn't get her dream man. You see, Vic was a dreamer - and STILL is a dreamer. She wanted a man who would look after her (literally) and being an educated, modern, independent worman, she wanted a man who could cook well, clean up the house i.e good at housekeeping, do the laundry. We used to laugh at her and pinch her whenever she tell us of her perfect DREAM man, telling her to please wake up and there is NO SUCH MAN. But Vic was adamant. She did not want to settle for anything less.

So at 35, she bought her HDB flat - making sure it is near amenities and an old folks home! Vic has a very good sense of humour and weird logic. She thinks too much into the future. She said one of the bonus point for her flat is that it has an old folk home nearby so since she was NEVER getting married, she knew where to admit herself when she grow old and not able to walk properly. We laughed at her again!

Then early this year, she called us and said that she's holding a get-together for some close friends and she merely remarked that she was getting married. There was no excitement, gushing bride-to-be expressions...just, hi there. guess what? I am getting married. I fell off my chair! But Vic kept her cool and We were the excited ones....us, the married with children ones.

We thought that Vic (coming from a minority group who prefered match-making) were matchmade by her parents. But we knew Vic better. When the idea of being matchmade were broached by her mom, she did remark, "Why don't you get married to that guy if he's so good?" She was all anti-matchmade. We restrained ourselves during the get-together and the wedding. We didn't show our true-blue kaypoh-ness. We held our tongue. We didn't ask how they met but we knew they love each other. We know Vic will tell us when the time comes.

So last Sunday, we met up at the Esplanade and Vic spilled the beans...after more than 6 months of marriage. She finally thought the time has come for us to know. Vic's love spans across continents. Her husband lives and works in Germany. She lives and works in Singapore. They met one night when she was on one of her independent holiday in London. They communicated through the internet, fell in love and got married. Less than 6 months of relationship. She hasn't decided whether to join him in Germany. And they are comfortable with this arrangement of meeting every month when he comes down to Singapore.

But Vic has the last laugh. With childlike squeling and grasping our hands, eyes glowed...she said, "My dreams did come true. George cooks. He does the housework, the laundry, wash the dishes. He is my dream man. I finally found him." We are happy for Vic. For the rest of us, did we get the man of our dreams? Some of my friends refused to answer. But I'd say..so did I, Vic! But my dream man is not one who picks after me...I like to spoil my man and my dream man allows me to spoil him! 8)

Anyway, Vic may be packing up to leave Singapore sometime next year. She hasn't decided and George is leaving the decision to her. But I'll miss Vic. I'll miss the girl whose dreams came true. Maybe, I'll look on the bright side...I'll have no problem with accommodation if we decided to go to Germany for the holidays!

Girls Vs Boys

2005-12-07T11:03:00.000+08:00

I cannot compare. I have only daughters so when my friends tell me about their boys, how hyperactive boys are and the "difficulty" of looking after them - I have no comments. Neither could I emphatise. Those who are fortunate, to have the experience of raising both boys and girls seemed to be able to see the difference. The difference is glaring, they say. You have to be blind if you cannot see it.

Boys, they say, cannot keep still. Girls, on the other hand, are easier to handle and more matured. Like I said, I cannot compare. My girls are boisterous, active and I think I have seen some of the friends' boys who are much quieter than they are.

My girls have put me attune to my feminine side. I am not into make up, dressing up and unlike other girls, I hate all those frilly, lacy, princess alike clothes. I never played with dolls - even though Mak bought me many Barbie dolls since I am the only girl in the family.

Well, my girls are so different from their ever-so-practical Mom. They are into PINK....for heaven's sake, why can't it be RED, YELLOW or GREEN! They are into making up and dressing up, you know with all those hairbands and clips and what-have-yous accessories. And slowly - yes slowly, I find myself transforming into actually liking, prefering all these girly stuffs. For example, our latest Raya Clothes were all PINK....even HB!

I used to rationalise, reason why I am blessed with girls. A scientific answer would be HB shooting the XXs! A spiritual or meta-physics sort of explanation would be Allah knows best. I had a miscarriage in 1998 and till now, I believe the baby I lost is a boy. I used to think that having a boy as the eldest would be the ideal. Then I had a girl and another girl and another girl and another girl. It is not that I have lost hope in having a boy, maybe in the future, if God is willing but I have surrendered to fate. I know how it feels to hope and not get what you hope for. I don't like the feeling.

It is heartening when we go out and friends would pat HB on his back and said "You are wealthy, man. Look 4 girls. Your future is secured. When you are old, you have no worries, man!" And I'd say a silent prayer...alhamdullilah.

H.E.A.L.T.H

2005-12-06T09:59:00.000+08:00

Health. Something that most of us take for granted. I always think that I am young, strong and basically formidable. I can do anything. I can lift anything. I don't take supplements. I don't believe in them. I do, however, believe in everything natural - like self healing, taking honey, eating well balanced meals and ensuring that I have the good balance of rest and stress. So far, alhamdullilah - I have been well and healthy and was proud to announce to everyone that I have not taken antibiotics for many, many years until.....last week.

It is said when you are hardly sick - when you fall sick, you fall real hard. For the 1st time in many many MANY years, I have never felt that sick. It was a case of K.O for almost a week. So it seems to become a habit that after a week of holidays, it would be a week of MCs. The last time our whole family had the conjunctivitis - this time we suffered a bad bout of flu. Even the docs had to ask us many times whether we went near any birds during our holidays. We didn't but the flu bug didn't bother, did it? The scary part about being sick this time was our temperature hit a high 40 degrees and we lost our appetite. I think I lost weight again. My pants are starting to feel loose again. Isn't it good? I don't know, a part of me think that I have lost more weight that I should. But I know the remedy - get pregnant again and my weight will balloon more than 20kg...hehehe. 8p

The thing about this flu bug is that it makes me feel real weak and my whole body trembled a bit. The flu, this time, marks some "firsts" for me - ahem, an achievement I would say. I finished my antibiotics. HB was so proud of me. If you were HB, you would too since you'd know my aversion towards medicine of anykind. This time, self-heal was not even the option. I had no voice last Sunday. My throat was infected and anything I swallowed felt like having a jagged rock stuffed down my throat. Doc said take medicine or suffer. Funny, my sick mind chose medicine and forced myself to take the pills even though some of them were as big as a 20cent coin - no kidding!

I recalled siting in front of a whole array of medicines. A glass of water, a glass of Ribena and some mentos! I am such a chicken when it comes to medicine. I would stare at the medicine for a few good minutes and then, I'd hear HB's loud holler over and above the TV - Take the medicine, NOW! And then the nag about how the children followed me when it comes to taking medicine - each of them had to be held down by at least 2 adults just to get a 5ml of medicine in! And the sweets outnumbered the medicines by many folds. Me and my self-healing techniques!

But medicine is no miracle. The medicine merely soften the blow of the flu bug. And I am still recovering, not at home though BUT at work. You still have to go to work even though you're recuperating. I was told just this morning that I still sounded sick, nasal, phelgmy cough but I count my blessings. It is still very much better that last week's KO. Everything tasted bitter or bland. Water tasted like bitter gourd juice. It was just porridge day in, day out. Things are definitely picking up this week. I had my first good meal on Sunday at The Esplanade. Maybe, I'll talk about that later.

Anyway, it feels good to be back at WORK....hehehe. I am definitely looking forward to being 100% healthy again. I miss Jurong Point food. Me and Jurong Point - and no, I don't live near JP either. Maybe this Friday, I'll have lunch at JP. Anyone wants to join me?

You mean it's Over?

2005-11-18T14:37:00.000+08:00

It is Not, isn't it? Raya is not OVER right? Puasa satu bulan....Raya pun mesti satu bulan! Anyway, I have lost track of time. Is it the third week of Syawal already? It seemed like just yesterday that we went for Solat Hari Raya at Masjid An-Nur. Anyway, it's not too late to STILL be in my raya clothes. Today, I am wearing a bright orange Kebarung. Ok, so some motorists were blinded this morning when I crossed the road. They thought the amber light was moving!

On another note, I still miss Ramadhan because it is the month where I have the most discipline. Come Raya, I tend to forget many things. That is what happen when you are too happy or celebrating too much. We get distracted from many things. Kak Sop was telling me this morning that she found it more difficult to puasa after Ramadhan. "Banyak Dugaan", she said. I remembered the past Ramadhan, the weather was always cool and the sky downcast and once Ramadhan was over, the weather becomes scorching hot again. Such a Barakah month, Ramadhan. As you can see, I have nothing to write actually. I am just writing for the sake of writing something. Get it? No get it, never mind.

Anyway, Today is also the last day of school. Holiday has begun and tomorrow, we are going off for another holiday. So this blog will once a again be quiet for more than a week. 8) I doubt I'll have access to the net next week. In the meantime, have a great weekend and a wonderful school holidays....er, do I see some mummies out there who's already pulling hairs because it IS already the SCHOOL HOLIDAYS which means rumah tonggang-langgang? Take care ok? I'll send you a kiss from over sea....tak jauh, seberang tambak aje. 8)

Farewell Ramadhan...Welcome Syawal

2005-11-02T09:37:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of Ramadhan for Muslims in Singapore. How fast times flies. And whether we get to meet the next Ramadhan...only Allah knows. With Eid approaching in a few hours and Ramadhan comes to an end, the joy of celebrations mingled with a sense of sadness. Ramadhan is a month of reflection, a month of cleansing both spiritually and physically. And I'd like to thank a friend who left her comment on my last posting - reminding me of the holy night of Lailatul Qadar. I remembered, my friend. 8) I did what I could. Alhamdullilah.

And to those who had sent their Lebaran Wishes, thank you so much. I haven't had much time on the internet these few days due to some impending deadlines so I'd like to apologize for not responding to your comments or email. And Sis Bulan, I'll do as requested. 8)

So before I end this entry, I'll like to wish everyone Eid Mubarak. And if there were any instances where I posted some comments or remarks that may have affected you in a negative manner, please accept my most sincere apologies as those remarks were merely made in passing - no harm intended. Have a Wonderful Eid.

The Geylang Encounter....

2005-10-27T16:11:00.000+08:00

So, the whole troop reached Geylang in one piece yesterday night. After iftar and solat maghrib, we made our way from the North to East of Singapore. We were quite surprised that there were actually not as crowded as we expect. It is like to going to a normal Pasar Malam.

The children loved walking underneath the mega-lights of Geylang, soaking in the Ramadhan atmosphere. They behave magnificently yesterday. Although, they fasted the whole day, they still had the energy to walk the full length of the bazaar - from City Plaza to the end of Geylang Serai Market and then back to Tanjong Katong Complex. Usually, at least 2 of them would ask to be carried but fortuntely, not this time.

I wished I had brought my camera or video-cam. I could have captured some beautiful moments there. We managed to view the whole light up at the overhead bridge at Joo Chiat Complex. Maybe it was a weekday, there were hardly anyone taking the overhead bridge so the children, with eyes bright and mouths agape, had the bridge just to themselves as they viewed the activities of the bazaar below. They did not want to get down for maybe about 10 mins or so. I, too, felt like a child when I was up there. It brought back nostalgic feelings about Geylang. I feel kinda sad looking at the HDB blocks which I think will be demolished soon. The same block of flats that I would always see in the 80s as I sat in a trishaw with Nenek & Mak after their marketing at Geylang.

Suddenly, I remembered the Raja Lelong - a place where Abah would come by to get a shirt, shoes or anything at dirt cheap price. I wonder whether Raja Lelong is still there. I remembered the morning breakfast at the Hawker Center, either a bubur ayam for me or Soto ayam. I remembered peering into the holed walls of the wet market to get a glimpse of Mak doing her rounds as I waited outside near the stalls that sold kuih because I hated the wet, dirty floor. I remembered in the 80s when the Malaysian Ringgit was higher than the Singapore Dollars, the Malaysians would flocked in bus loads to Geylang to do their shopping. And, the shop keepers there would sing the "Dia datang" song. This was the Market where I was introduced to buah salak, kuih tepong gomak and telur penyu.

It felt good being there yesterday. We did get some hari raya shopping done. We lost track of time when we were there. Just because there were still so many people around, we thought it was still early until we checked the time and it was almost 11pm. We had fun at Geylang Serai. My children want to go there again. Me & HB too. 8) Maybe, we make another trip there on Friday night. Hope, it won't be so crowded.

Geylang Si Paku Geylang

2005-10-26T10:24:00.000+08:00

I know I have mentioned it many times in my blog or in other people's blog that I am not fond of going to Geylang. But, I realised that I am doing some injustice to my children if I don't bring them to there, to experience its unique atmosphere during Ramadhan. So, currently I am trying to psycho myself into believing that walking through the streets of Geylang will be a breeze; the view will be great - not just the back of someone in front of you, the air will be fresh - not just someone's smoke breath or worst, someone's ketiak smell...I am hoping that I won't be deaf after my trip there - with the hollering of the sellers, trying to out-shout one another.

So, tonight may just be the night that we step into Geylang - the whole entire troop. This is their first trip to Geylang during Ramadhan. The last time I went to Geylang during Ramadhan was when I was expecting my 1st child in 1996. For the past few days, HB (Hansem Bugger) & I have been planning the logistics since the whole troop is involved. I mean, what do you expect, we are typical, kiasu Singaporeans - born and bred here. Kiasu-ism is in our blood! So the maps have been drawn, the contigency plans, plan A, plan B, plan C made and bags packed. Better be thorough than sorry.

When you bring children to a place inundated with people, you need many plans. Which adult look after which child - if you have one, no problem. When you are four, it becomes one big headache because your ratio of children to adult gets bigger. In case of emergency, like kalau nak ter-berak ke...nak ter-kencing ke...nak ter-muntah ke...who is supposed to be in-charge. And children being children, their timing of wanting to "ter" all the above is ALWAYS perfect...like when you are in a traffic jam in the middle of Geylang Serai, like when you are busy tawar-menawar or like when you are just about to open your mouth to eat!

So everything looks set to go. Made a few phone calls here and there - broadcasting the news that we are FINALLY going to Geylang after all these years. Hoping that some kind souls would volunteer to come with us and help us with the troop. Well, 3 Minahs (Who die-die MUST go Geylang every Ramadhan) volunteered so we have enough adults to look after the children. Alhamdullilah, ringan sikit beban.

I think the excitement of these Minahs Geylang is getting on to me. After talking to them, I would be lying if I said that I am not excited about this Geylang trip. It has been years. Maybe I'd be surprised at what I see at Geylang tonight. So in case, you see someone who looks like rusa masuk kampung, terpinga-pinga di tengah-tengah Geylang Serai...say hello ok? That person may just be me - jakun dah lama tak pi Geylang. 8)

TA-Ma-On Syndrome

2005-10-24T08:49:00.000+08:00

This is about my good friend, iPi -a friend who I love very much. iPi looks like me and I look like iPi. Does iPi read my blog? Unfortunately, no - although I have given the URL so many many times. I think she only read it once and then if I were to ask her why, her natural response would be "T, I have no time. Sorry." and would give me a very sheepish smile. I don't mind, really. I still love her to bits and we will still be walking arms in arms looking for a place to eat for lunch.

Come to think of it, I have 2 groups of friends, those from the net and those who do not even know what net is....heh. And, the latter group are mostly high-flyers, career-minded professionals in their own rights and yet, they have no interest in the net stuff. Why? They are too engrossed in their work. *sigh*

Anyway, back to iPi. Recently, she gave me an S.O.S email."T, can you remember how many kuih raya I have ordered from Cik Midah ?" If, if this was sent someone else other than iPi, I would have said....knock, knock, assalamualaikum, please go fly kite! But it was iPi and with sisterly love, I cracked my brains to remember. You see, I am the CPU in this relationship. According to iPi, I have a bigger megabyte capacity and I seem to have the capacity to remember events that happened eons ago and when she could not even remember which school her youngest sister goes to, I'm the one who would come to her rescue. By the way, her sister is 21 or 22 years younger than her so that explains her memory lapse.

So, I was trying to figure why iPi forgot the number of kuih raya she ordered...then I realised that she might have ordered just too many and could not keep track of them. So I asked her and Bingo! I was right. Her reply,"T, I ordered from so many that I've lost track of what type of kuih I ordered from who. S.O.S!!"

Now, I guess that iPi is not the only one experiencing this with Raya approaching in about a week's time. And this is what I call the TA-MA-ON syndrome and unfortunately, iPi got it too. I told her and obviously, she laughed it off. She often said I can always make her laugh till she peed in her pants! (Yes, she did a couple of times actually. Tak bedek!) It is not difficult to make iPi laugh, she laughs at every single thing and that's what make her so lovable.

The TA-MA-ON syndrome is easy to diagnose. You don't need to be a doctor to see it. You can even self-diagnose. When you see so many bottles of kuih raya piling up in you house and that they could feed an army or last you till next year's Raya, then it is 100% confirm you have it! I told iPi, I could help her with this. There is only one logical remedy. Being a great friend, I am most willing to do some self-sacrificing especially in the most barakah month of Ramadhan.

The remedy - to give some of the kuih raya to me since I have more mouths to feed than her. I am willing to help her consume those duplicate kuih raya that she has bought. No problem, dear. This is what friends are for! I told her. Well, iPi is still thinking about it. iPi don't think too long ok? This offer is only limited till before Hari Raya's eve!

So, for those for you who want to be sure that you don't have the TA-MA-ON syndrome, please check your kitchen cabinets and store and what-ever storage space that you have, in case you have some left overs kuih from last year's Raya that you have long forgotten. There is still time to do some prevention for this raya. And if you need assistance to consume this year's kuih raya, do drop me a note. I am most willing to put aside some of my time to help you out when raya comes. 8)

Mission (Im)Possible - Hunt For Lampu Lap Lip

2005-10-20T14:06:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I have never bought a lampu lap lip before. I have been walking up and down the rows of shops at Clementi Central and still have not found the lampu lap lip. Being the "terover" practical woman, I am not really into putting up lampu lap lip for raya. But my children.....ah, when you have children, their wants become your needs.

"When are we going shopping?", "When are you going to buy us new shoes?", "When are you going to get us lampu lap lip?", "When are we going to get our new baju kurung?"...endless questions and these are on top of what are we going to have for iftar today...which happens to be the most frequently asked question! Anyway, I have been given this mission by my Cik Abang Sayang - the Hunt For Lampu Lap Lip is ON.

So like any normal accountant, I would like to get a value-for-money deal. Every penny counts. So, first, I did some market surveys. Ask some friends on the types of lampu lap lip that are available, the price range. I am not sure whether these friends are reliable - knowing them, they don't even ask for quotations for their car insurance. Well, don't you?

Back to this lampu lap lip thing, I was told that the price range is between $20 to $36 - depending on the length. So armed with whatever information that my lap lip savvy friends had fed me, I made my way to the Clementi heartlands during lunch time. Walked around for more than an hour and Not a single shop sold lampu lap lip. Eh, orang Clementi tak pasang lampu lap lip ke? Orang Clementi beli lampu lap lip kat Geylang kot....Buat penat aku aje. If I had known, I would have spent my time snorring in the office.

When I reached office empty-handed, Kak Y told me I could have got it at Sembawang Shopping Centre. Kak Y, aku dah penat, basah kuyup kena hujan baru akak bilang....boo hoo hoo. Anyway, Orang Sembawang - betul ke cakap Kak Y ni? Si Ina pulak told me I can get it at Causeway Point. Ah...bercinta aku nak pegi Causeway Point - it is becoming like Geylang Serai. So much people - heh, don't correct my grammar ok..."MUCH"...tak terkira macam garam, gula...kalau boleh kira, baru use "Many". If only some innovative entreprenuer have a home delivery for lampu lap lip...wouldn't it be great? In the meantime, the hunt is still ON.....

Memories of Past Ramadhans

2005-10-19T13:57:00.000+08:00

It is almost routine that 5 mins before we hear the azan Maghrib, my children will have taken their positions around the dining table; making sure that food has already been served on their plates and drinks in their cup. With one hand holding the kurma or whatever favourite food they have in mind, they wait for the first "Allahu akhbar", as "patient" as a child can be. Once they hear the "A", without a second wait, they took their first bite. Most of the time, forgetting to say a little bismillah before breaking fast. Sometimes, they even say their own azan - if the wait proves too long for them.

I remembered those early years of learning to how to puasa back in the 80s. Almost everyday, Nenek's 3 room flat at Upper Boon Keng Road would be filled with people - at least 4 families would be having iftar there. Nenek, the matriach of the family who had such great bonds with her children that no matter how far they lived, be it Yishun or Bedok, from Pak Tek to Ucu would make their way to good ol' Upper Boon Keng Road for iftar.

Anyway, we would have our iftar on the floor with the furniture pushed to one corner. The whole length of the living room would be filled with food - most from other neighbours. Nenek, with her sleeves folded to the elbow, would usually cook just a dish or two in one big periuk - not the periuk that we use for normal cooking. I used to be able to sit in that periuk at 7 years old - so you can imagine how big a periuk Nenek used to cook. And the cooking was not done in the 3-room flat of the kitchen but at the HALL - you know, the big empty square space next to her unit and the stairways down. I don't know what it is called but we all used to just call it "Hall". And she used to cook on an "arang" stove in the middle of the hall. That was where she cooked the ketupat for raya and all the dishes too. No one knew what fire hazard meant in the 80s.

So after the cooking, the Cucus would make ourselves busy helping Nenek send a plate of the dish to more than 10 neighbours. If you were lucky, you might get be sent to Makcik Sal's place across the road or Makcik Timah at the block with the 'Mama' shop - maybe you could divert awhile and buy a packet of chikadee or Kaka or even to Maknye Ina who lived just opposite the playground - maybe a few minutes on the swing or on the see-saw or just kick the sand on the ground (yes, we did have sand on the playgrounds 20 years ago)

In return, our kind neighbours would give us yummy dishes - from badak berendam to kole-kole and epok-epok sayur to many many other dishes, we would lay them on the floor as Maghrib approached. While we sent the dishes from house to house, Nenek would be bending her back stirring air kathirah - homemade. Nothing beats Nenek's air kathirah. Power! Class! Fuyooh!

And around 10 mins before Iftar, cousin Nor and I would be dishing the food on OUR plates. Nor would be trying to find empty spaces in her plate where she could stuff maybe one epok-epok or begedil. It became like a competition - who's plate was higher! Most of the time, Nor won. After all, she got bigger bones that me. Nor was the CHAMPION! Not only were her food higher but her drink was also in a special container. She must have next to her a tumbler filled with air kathirah. This is not the 500 ml or 1 litre tumbler - hers was at least a 1.5 litre tumbler. There was no way that I could beat that without getting a pinch on the thigh from Mak.

We sat facing each other most of the time. Nor eyeing my food, me eyeing hers. Who could finish it - and still be alive and kicking? And similar to my children, we too had kurmas in our hands, ready to be stuffed into our mouths once we heard the azan. After which, Nor would start with her 1.5 litres of air kathirah. Nor was a big drinker even at 7. Before you could finish counting 1 to 10, she would finished her air kathirah. While Nor was a "Gulper", I was the "Sipper". Smaller bones - what to do? So I could never finish my drink. Then Nor moved on to the food on her plate. I would follow suit.

We finished our food most of the time - but at the end of the feat, both of us usually could not get up . We would be lying on the floor for around 30 mins before Pak Teh kicked our butts to perform our solat. I remembered taking wudhu in agony. Rukuk and Sujud were the most difficult part as we could not get up. After maghrib, it was to the floor again till another kick came for Isyak. The "Senak" feeling was unforgettable and yet, Nor and I NEVER learnt our lesson - the next iftar, we would do the same thing all over again! 8p

Simply Irresistible....

2005-10-18T14:16:00.000+08:00

I was bored so when I saw this as Ms Mumble's blog, I thought what the heck - just do it for fun. And the result....

Simple

What is your style of 'hijab'? (for ladies only)
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmmm, well, I got simple taste - correct. Sweet? Definitely not saccharine sweet. BUT I have a sweet voice.....tak caya? Cuba telifonlah - mesti cair punya...heheheh.

Pretty? Is being normal pretty? Honest & Kind? Oklah - this one definitely correct. Everyone knows my honesty and my kindness.

*This is a real EGO booster!*

Then, comes the real amazing part - simply irresistible...*blur for a moment*

Let me see...*one second, two second, three second* OKlah...with humility, I agree that I Am SiMPLy IrRESiSTibLE...*ROTFLOL*

A Cry for Help - Too Late

2005-10-14T08:45:00.000+08:00

A few days back, I saw a picture in the Straits Times & New Paper that I will never forget. It was a picture of 2 hands - the adult's hand was tied to the child's hand with a red string and they were lying on grass. As I looked more at the child's hand, it reminded me so much of my 18-months old Nina. The chubby fingers, the chubby palm that I would kiss so often while playing with her.

The picture was not one of happy memories. It was a picture of death. Both mother and child died. In fact, the mother and her 2 children, one 3 years old and the other 2 years old, had died a sudden death. She committed suicide by jumping from the 24th floor of a HDB flat and she brought her 2 little children with her. The New Paper featured the suicide notes that she wrote to her husband. Her story was about lost of love, trust and hope.

As I read her last words to her husband, I could sense her desperation to want something different. She was a housewife, looking after her children, cooking and cleaning for the family. He was the sole-breadwinner, whose work, I guess must have taken him away very often from the family because she said that they never had a real dinner together as a family. The last dinner they had was their wedding dinner. She had to be away from her parents who live in Singapore - looking after her children with no support from her parents or her husband. I guess, that must have caused her major depression. She wrote of beating her babies in her frustration.

I know of mothers who beat their children - not out to discipline but due to a sense of frustration, anger and despair with the children's father. Children are always the easy target for these mothers because they cannot retaliate. I just feel sad for mothers like her. She took her life and two other innocent ones. Others may just continue to abuse their children and be gentle with them when the fathers are around. It is pitiful. Maybe, these mothers do not have anyone to hear their sorrow or give them a lending hand. And, the fathers are usually given the impression that all is well in the family matters.

It is not easy being a mother and a wife. Our responsibility is vast. We are responsible for molding and nurturing our children into responsible adults. However, in most cases, we cannot do it alone. We need help. We need support. It is sad that three lives were lost because of no support. But how do we get support if we don't ask for it?

I am one of those mothers who used to think that I was a superwoman or could be a superwoman. I could handle anything on my own, without help. I needed no rest. Saying No to other request was never part of my vocabulary. So my stint as a housewife for 6 months last year was a real eye opener.

I learnt that I was not THE superwoman that I thought I was. I need other's to help and support me. I need to rest. And I will never get help until I ask for it. Because others may think that I could have handle it all on my own. Life is so much simpler and easy to manage once we learn to open our mouths and ask. No one has the ability to read our mind. And maybe, just maybe if that mother who committed suicide had asked for help (if not from her husband then from any other human being), her 2 young children could just have celebrated their next birthdays.

A Week into Ramadhan

2005-10-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

This year is Nani's first year fasting. She just turned 4 last June. Since her other 2 sisters are fasting, it becomes natural that she wanted to fast too. I remembered asking her last Ramadhan whether she would like to fast. "No" was the answer - "tak tahan lapar" was the reason.

Unlike her sisters, Nani is a frequent eater and milk drinker. She will practically howl for food when her meals are served late. She will throw tantrum if milk is not given immediately when she asked. Patience and will power was definitely no within her vocabulary. So this year, I was rather surprised that she insisted that we wake her up for sahur and recite with her the niat Ramadhan. She wanted to try to fast.

For the 1st day, she woke up for sahur and her fasting lasted at 9.30am. She had a bottle of milk and some porridge. Then she decided to start fasting again. So no food till iftar. I thought that was an accomplishment!

As days go by, the time that she went without food and water increases from 9.30am to 6.00pm, on Saturday. That day, we bought her balloons. She was so proud of herself. Now, she said, she is one of us - the adults.

As I look at my children as they fast, I do get worried about their well-being. And I don't want them to see fasting as a burden or as something that we, parents forced down their throats to accept and embraced. When I see their lips dry, I do ask whether they still want to continue fasting. It's ok for children not to fast as long as adults for Allah swt is the most merciful. Most times, they insisted on fasting. Maybe it could be their resilience and "never give up" attitude.

During the 1st week of Ramadhan, there were days where they were just too tired from their daily activities and just could not be awaken for Sahur. I just let them be. So this morning, Nani did not wake up for Sahur. Most probably, I'll receive a call from her today, sometime before she goes to school, to say," Mak,harini Nani puasa tau? Belikan...." and she will rattle a whole list of food items.

Ramadhan Mubarak

2005-10-04T10:08:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow marks the 1st day of Ramadhan 1426 Hijrah. Tonight, Muslims in Singapore will commence our tarawih prayers. How fast time flies. This year will be the 2nd year, we fast without my father. Only 3 Ramadhan back, we had our iftar together. None of us knew that Ramadhan 1424 would be his last Ramadhan with us. It is times like this that memories start flooding back. We have to move on with life but the sense of something is missing still prevails.

I have many hopes for this Ramadhan. Like most Muslims here, I hope that my Ramadhan this year will be better than the previous ones. I hope that my family can perform the tarawih prayers more frequently together. I hope that I will have the discipline to read the Quran every day - at least 10 verses. I hope to instill in my children the lessons that we can learn from Ramadhan.

It is indeed heartwarming to sense the excitement in my children as they become aware that Ramadhan is approaching. My children are NOT forced to fast - but I encouraged them to try and experience Ramadhan the way adults do. I believe that in order to educate our children on the ways of Islam, the teaching of Ramadhan has to be taught way before Ramadhan comes. I am glad my children know that Ramadhan means waking up early for Sahur, breaking fast at Maghrib and performing solat tarawih. I am glad they know that fasting means feeling hungry and thirsty. Everyone who fast will definitely feel hungry and thirsty.

I do tell them that they are not required to fast the whole day and they can have access to food any time they want. And it is usually me who underestimate the willpower of my children. So I find it amazing that my children, at the age of 4 have the willpower to fast the whole day. When I was young, I never could fast the whole day. I only started to fast the whole day maybe a year or two before I reached puberty.

Some people may say that to train a child to fast is akin to child abuse. I agree with this only if there was coercion. If the child was threatened and punished for not fasting - then yes, it could be considered child abuse. But if the child was already taught about Ramadhan and the child want to do it on her own, I'd say Alhamdullilah.

Fasting is one of the pillars of faith in Islam. Just like Solat, we, parents are required to teach our children to start praying before they reached puberty so that the act of solat becomes a part of their daily rituals. Similarly with fasting, I believe as parents we should train our children as early as possible so they know and appreciate the meaning of Ramadhan.

Ramadhan comes only once a year, only 29 days. I hope that I'll be able to fulfill what I aim for this year. Insya'allah. And to my dear Muslim friends, Ramadhan Mubarak!

"Bizi Giler"

2005-09-28T17:20:00.000+08:00

Whoever coined the term "Bizi Giler" is a real genuis! So precise in its definition!When you are so busy, you feel that you are really going mad, mad as in CRAZY....and that is exactly what I am experiencing now. I am suffocated with work and at times, I feel that my butt did not even touch the chair - as I am expected to be here, there, somewhere, EVERYWHERE!

My brain is in all jumbled up with figures, facts, WORDS! I think it is experiencing some kind of traffic jam because I take longer to process things nowadays...or maybe I am just getting OLD. Anyway, it is a crazy working world But for some strange reasons, I love this crazy working world.

Unfortunately, due to the W.O.R.K, I am unable to do other things that I enjoy like bloghopping. I haven't been able to read your blogs, post crazy remarks and rechanging my blog skin had been in the pipeline for the past 2 weeks and only yesterday, I got it right. Hopefully, in the following week, I have more time to spare for blogging - Although, it is not something URGENT, it is important to me. 8)

On a brighter & lighter note, I'll be going to the Z.O.O tomorrow to meet my long lost friends...hehehehe. Hopefully, after meeting them, I'll feel recharged.

Time 4 Change

2005-09-28T08:32:00.000+08:00

I've decided to go for the change. For simplicity, I decided to forgo haloscan - although, it has served me very well for the past year. It had been a long time since I changed the blog skin. So it took me awhile to get used to the fine tuning, here and there.

One thing about allowing comments through blogger is that I suddenly have 5 to 6 comments made by anonymous. Now, how do I get rid of these unwanted comments. I haven't actually fiddle with a lot of stuffs in blogger so if there is a tool for me to delete these comments, please tell. Thanks. 8)

Filial Piety - No More?

2005-09-22T09:09:00.000+08:00

The Newpaper (yesterday) featured a story of an old woman who got battered by her son and yet, she insisted that he should not be blamed as he's a good son. The son was imprisoned because he beat her up not once but several times and in the latest incident, he hit her with a stool until one of its leg broke. She's in denial, the expert said and this is a common trait of someone who has been abused. A parenting expert suggested that this could be the result of bad parenting. The abused mother blamed herself, saying that she used to beat him when he was small.

I feel sad for that old lady. This is definitely not what any parent would want to wish for. When one is old and no longer as strong as before, all one would wish for is just the company and care of the children - nothing more. Now, in modern times, when human minds are said to have moved forward in terms of being enterprising and innovative, the human hearts seemed to lack the compassion for the old and aged. Every now and then, you could read stories about old folks being cheated, conned by their own children. Some old, aged, incomeless parents have even resorted to going to court just to get some financial support from their well-to-do children. Adult children, with mind of their own, no longer listen to their parents - they only listen to the law.

It is said that a mother can look after 10 children, but 10 children cannot look after 1 mother. A sad fact that all parents (not just mothers) have to swallow. We have heard of many stories of aged parents being sent to old folks homes, just because they were a "nuisance" to their own children. We have heard of stories of aged parents being abandoned because their children did not have enough money (so they claimed) to feed their parents. We have heard of stories where old parents complained that their children and grandchildren no longer visit them as often or even give them some pocket money. What happened to filial piety? A value that was once treasured by us, Asians?

I am quite sure that no parent want to burden their children. If they could earn money and support themselves, these aged parents have no problem doing so. All they yearn is just love, companionship, family closeness. I feel sad for these old parents, the sense of loneliness must be overwhelming. I have been to old folks homes a couple of times and it just make me depressed. Some people may quipped that maybe they did something in their younger days, and this is their retribution on earth. I would rather not assume that. No one knows. Maybe they were good parents during their times. Bad parents or not, I still feel that the least, the grown-up children could do is treat their parents well. Without our parents, none of us would be hear today. So it does not matter whether our parents were discriminating in their love, emotionally abuse us with words that pierced our hearts, we should still treat them kindly and well.

What goes around, come around - like a domino effect. How we treat our parents now, may result in how our children treat us in the future. My parents used to tell me this story, and I have told this story to my children. You may have heard of this story. It is a wonderful story to share. Here goes :

Long ago in China, lived a poor family. The young mother just gave birth to another child. She lived with her husband and her father-in-law, who was too old and need constant care. Her father-in-law ate very little but the young mother feared that with another mouth to feed, her children may starve due to lack of food.

So one night, she told her husband about her worries. Her husband agreed that since his father was already old and useless, they would abandon him in the mountain so they would have enough food for the children. Since his father was too old to walk up the mountain, he decided to make a basket to carry his father.

While he was working on the basket, his young son watched him. Curious, the boy asked,"Father, why are you making a basket for grandfather?" The young father replied,"The basket is to carry your grandfather up the mountain." The boy asked,"Are you going to leave him there?" The father replied,"Yes". "Why?" asked the boy. "Because he is already very old. So it is best that he go."

The boy then said," Please don't throw the basket away. When you grow old, I'll need the basket to carry you and leave you up the mountains." Hearing that, the young father realised his mistake and decided not to abandon his own father.

Hope you enjoyed the story and have a great remaining week! 8)

Rat Race to Nowhere

2005-09-20T15:11:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my 8 year old daughter called me in the office, just to tell me that she had received her Maths Test Paper. Then, she said that she had something to tell me that would make me angry. I asked her what it was and she said she did not do too well for her maths. So I asked her whether I was supposed to be angry. She said that her friends told her that their parents always get angry when they did not do well so she thought that I would be angry too.

I said, "Hmmm, let me think about it. Maybe I will be angry when I reach home." I just could not understand why I should be angry. To me, this is JUST a test...and to compare it with the many, many LIFE tests that she will be facing in future....I'd say this is just peanuts. So when I reached home, she looked at me with such innocence that even if I was angry, I would just melt. The first thing she did was to show me her paper and she did not get a big EGG, neither did she fail. But she kept on saying that she was afraid that I'd scold her. She said, once again that all her friends were scolded by their parents for not doing well. I thought my daughter was just making herself worry out of nothing.

Just because other parents have certain expectations of their children, she thought I did too. So after dinner, we had a talk. I knew she put it a lot of effort for the test and the mistakes that she made were out of sheer carelessness. She knew that. How could I scold her for something that is done, that she cannot undo. And I feel sad for her friends, who maybe were trembling inside when they showed their parents the papers (maybe, I am exaggerating here) or maybe they decided to throw away the test papers or even lie just to escape the reprimands.

I grew up in a generation where it was believed that being a high achievers = TOP in class = No 1 position will eventually lead to a successful life. Maybe, such mindset is here to stay. But having gone through that, I realised that being top in class does not mean being top in life. What matters most is not the marks that our children bring, but the attitude and the hunger for knowledge and the most important of all, the character building process of learning, such as patience, endurance, inquiring mind, listening .

I don't believe in enrichment classes. I don't believe in sending my children to speech & drama and what-have-yous classes. If I can teach the subjects, I will teach my children myself. I don't expect my children to be TOP in class but alhamdullilah, they have self motivation, even at such young age. But, when I talk to most of my peers, I seem to be the odd one out. I just don't fit in the bill of the typical Singaporean parent.

There is a saying that goes, If you can't beat them, join them. I know of parents who send their children to all sorts of classes on weekends, just so the children could get ahead of the race. I know of parents who drill their children upside down, inside out so they could score in their exams. I find it sad. The product are just children who maybe just concerned of getting top grades, without a care in the world, without ethics, without morals. That's why I think, cheating, plagiarism is rampant from primary to universities.

It is easy for us, parents to fall into such traps. Sometimes, I do too. We always justify by saying that we did it for their own good. We want them to be good successful people. But sometimes, we are expecting them to live our dreams, our wish, our wants. My daughter always ask me this question, "What do you want me to be when I grow up." I always tell her that she can be anything she want to be but all I want her to be is a good Muslim, anak yang solehah, anak syurga. And as a mother, that is the only thing that I always pray she'd be. Insya'allah.

Rambling Moments

2005-09-19T11:14:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to update this blog for a long time...but time for it was extremely scarce. Last week, after our short holiday at Genting (Yes, Genting again!), all of us got our holiday extended. Mine, being the longest - I just came back to office this morning after being away for an extended period of 1 week. Because the whole family came down with conjunctivitis or "pink" eyes.

So all of us were at home most of the last week, doing things that we don't usually do on normal school days. We had lots of fun, Dh & I had lots of reading done. So it was a blessing in disguise, though there were times when I thought my eyeballs were going to jump out of their sockets when I had to prostrate during prayers. On the whole, alhamdullilah, our school holidays got extended. 8)

But I did go round Woodlands last week so if you did spot me, with my sunglasses on but I did not smile or acknowledge you, I am so sorry because the sunglasses are without degrees so I am basically half blind or extremely "potek" when I walked around Woodlands. I was at Vista Point a couple of times and if, only if, I did not have the "infectious" eyes, I would have called some of you who just live a stone's throw and we can go eat at Banquet.

I did find out some new things about Vista Point. The meat at Vista Point Wet market is more expensive than Admiralty market, although the stall sells more variety and has all those instant rempah....and I also found out that the vegetables at Vista Point Wet Market is far, far more expensive that at Admiralty market. So I am sticking to Admiralty market but of course, if you are looking for cheaper stuff and fresh - I'd have to recommend Seng Siong (sp??). But please check the expiry dates. 8p

And I was also at Woodlands Mart, a couple of time. Our dear Doctors are there. And everytime, I go there. I think of you, my dear friend Tipah - who live just a walking distance from that place. I just realised that some renovation was done to the coffee shops. And Spidey, I just found out who the Arabic Tutor that you were mentioning about - could it be the same person? And where have you been hiding? Stuck in your own web? hehehehe....

I am once again rambling nonsense here - but that is one of the purpose of my blog. To allow me to ramble, as long as it is within the law - no discriminating, defaming remarks - within the Sedition Act - no harm done. So will sign off here and will be back soon, insya'allah. So have a great day! 8)

I've Been Memed!

2005-09-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

So I am back in Singapore, after a short holiday across the Causeway. And Ms mumbles memed me.

Three Random Facts about myself you don't know:
-----------------------------------------------
1) I also don't really know WHO I really AM..hehehe. There were many times that I surprised myself like giving birth to 4 children, like standing up to people who took me for granted. Maybe because I underestimate myself most of the time.

2) I have a very short attention span and get bored easily. So I cannot do a project for a long period of time - maybe this may be the reason why I may not be a good stay at home mom. 8p But this is also my strength. Because I get bored easily, I am always looking for new skills to learn.

3) I am afraid of many things...the dark especially. If I am sleeping alone, I would switch on the light. And I have never read a horror story or watch a horror movie. And the last time, I went to Genting with my family, I accompanied my daughter to this place (gosh, I cannot remember what it is called) like a haunted tunnel or what and my daughter had her eyes open throughout the 3 mins or so ride but this 33 year old mother of 4 had her eyes closed and reciting all sorts of doas that she can recall....so I am really a penakut. Penakut makhluk halus aje....dengan manusia berani. hehehehe.

So Ms Mumbles, I'm supposed to tag five more is it? I am rather new at this so here goes. The 5 very lucky ones :-
1) lizanoor
2) shesays
3) bulan
4) mrsbeki
5) spidey

And sincere apologies for the 'heavy' subject for my previous postings, I hope no damage done - brain or otherwise...hehehe. 8)

Polygamy Revisit?

2005-09-07T14:13:00.000+08:00

I have been contemplating on whether to blog about this or not. It is afterall my very personal thoughts. I am taking a stance that is not usually taken by women, in general. So I am not sure how some of you would react - considering, that most of my readers are female, married with children...hehehe. Before I start, please read with an open mind, this is just my opinion, from a different point of view. 8)

Yesterday, I was doing some catch-ups on the news that I have missed. It has become a habit for me to go through at least 3 newspapers in a day. So I was reading yesterday's TODAY and Monday's TODAY, one after the other. And again, what caught my eye was the views on marriage vis a vis cohabitation. Yesterday's article was a summary made by the sub-editor on all the comments that were made by fellow readers.

A few days back, there was a Chinese reader who mentioned that polygamy would be a solution to a lot of social ills such extra-marital affairs. Strange, that such remark came from a Chinese (here, I am assuming that the person is a non-Muslim). But not so strange when one female Muslim reader actually replied by saying that, even a Muslim, she could not see the benefits of polygamy. The Muslim reader also commented on some things about why she felt polygamy could not work, about how society treats the 1st wives, and that polygamy should not be wished upon by anybody because it is a position that no one wish to be in. She went on to say that communications is the key to a good marriage. Fine, valid arguments and appealing to most women, married or not.

But, I tend to disagree with her arguments. I believe that people, in general, are always too concerned about how society think of them. In her argument, she said that the 1st wives would always be questioned about why their husband wanted to marry another one. There will definitely be a barrage of questions such as : was she not performing as a wife, was she filled with shortcomings blah, blah, blah - to the effect that 1st wives would end up being social outcasts.

Having said that, what is the difference between a divorced wife and being the 1st wife? Wouldn't divorcees also faced these questions? Is it worse, when a man divorced his wife just to marry another? Doesn't it look more like shifting responsibility instead on taking more responsibility? And yet, it seemed alright to go ahead and divorce nowadays. From statistics, among Muslims alone, we have more divorced cases than polygamy cases.

Our society coined the phrase "losing face"...Where on earth are these women and their families going to hide their faces if they become 1st wives? So that the narrow-minded society, who formed their own opinions and judgement about others, would not look down on them. As Muslims, who should we "lose face" to - Allah, the almighty or the society?

And in Islam, which is the thing that Allah despises but allows, none other than the act of divorce. And what is the thing that Allah allows but society (man) despise, polygamy. So why is it that we are quick to recommend a good divorce lawyer who can fight for woman's rights,using man-made law under The Woman's Charter but condemn man who wants to marry another?

The world is full of paradox. A woman would rather have her husband commit sins by having extra-marital affairs, that she know not, so that she would feel secured being the one and only wife. A woman would rather have her husband whisper sweet nothings in her ears rather than hear his wishes of getting married to another. A woman would rather "bobbit" her husband or seek a divorce, just because he wants to marry another. For fear of shame, embarrassment, losing the sense of possession and irrational jealousy.

And why should we bother about how society judge 1st wives? In the eyes of Allah swt, 1st wives may be looked upon highly than the rest, because of the challenges that they have to face. These are the women that know the "true" meaning of love. These are the women that are chosen. Why should it be said that it is a position that no woman would want to be?

I believe that there should be a change in mindset. Our society is getting too narrow-minded and self-centered. Our ideas about divorce, marriage and polygamy seem to stray from the teachings of Islam. Yes, there are cases of husbands who abused their "power" of marrying more than one but we should not begin to typecast a man as a womaniser if he voiced out his intention to marry another. If he has the means and the capability to carry out the responsibility, why not?

If the world is THE perfect place, it would be HEAVEN and it is mentioned in the Quran that in heaven, there is no such thing as jealousy. Jealousy is the root of all evil. If for a minute, we get rid of that feeling of jealousy, wouldn't our world be our current heaven?

Only Allah has eternal love. Our love for our husbands and their love for us is not, we merely borrowed love for a limited period of time. It, too, will pass when we leave this world. For the short period that we have, why not use it, in ways that we should. Mothers always tell the children, it is good to share. It is a selfless act to give something that is so close to you. And since polygamy allows us to share something that is so close to us, then why do we make it look so bad - just because society is not ready to accept it.

Like marriage, I see that polygamy has many benefits. Husbands would not stray if wives accept and acknowledge that they can marry another. Population will boom with high birth rates. Divorce will fall, as man would be marrying more instead of divorcing. And maybe many other social problems. What the future holds, I know not. All I know is that Allah knows best and maybe the time has not come for our society to realise the true meaning of polygamy.

The 999-Legged Worm

2005-09-06T13:39:00.000+08:00

I guess it is time for me to come out of my cave...after being locked inside for a week. I had so many things to write actually...about the 999-legged worm, about Katrina, about friends, about about about....so many. But I can only plan, hope and wish. Unfortunately, in my to-do lists last week, my blog was given the least priority. But today, it is almost top on my list.

About the 999- legged worm.... Mothers out there, I am sure some of you know this song about the caterpillar that lost its leg and was hopping aroud on his 999 legs. Last Friday, one of my daughters came home and sang a new song that her teacher just taught. So after dinner, she was singing this song over and over again about the 999-legged worm that was looking for its lost leg. And my eldest daughter, who is 8, was also singing along. The song has a very catchy tune so I ,too, was humming together with them.

Then, my eldest daughter stopped and asked,"Why is the worm hoping around?". My younger daughter answered,"Because it lost its leg." Then the sister with a very puzzled look said,"I know. But it has 999 legs so why should it hop around. If it had 2, then it would be hopping around." At the point of conversation, I had stopped humming and wondered - WHY didn't I think of that??

She looked at me and asked,"Mak, why is the worm hoping when it has 999 legs?" "Hmmm, I don't know. Anyway, it is just a song." I said. "But it doesn't make sense, it has 999 legs." Then, her sister intercepted,"It broke one of its legs and it was bleeding. So it was in pain. That's why it is hoping on its 999 legs!" It seems that the sister was satisfied with the answer for the time being and they continued singing the song. Well, that's kids and their imagination...can make sense out of anything. 8)

Stress & Marriage

2005-08-30T08:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes (like today), I wonder whether I am taking on more than I could chew. I just feel overwhelmed, my mind has endless to-do lists. Such an irony - that just last week, I attended a Stress Management course! Maybe, I should start doing those "break the stress" techniques. Oh, and I did YOGA...didn't know I was THAT flexible. 8-) That was an eye-opener.

So here goes - deep breathe in, breeeeeeeeaaaaaaaathe out. Laugh, I need to laugh - must read some hilarious blogs. Walk backwards, make hissing sounds and here is what I should do more often and it has been proven to be a great STRESS buster....zikir. Ok, so out stress, out! But then again....what is life without stress? I need stress to PUSH me. In fact, come to think of it, the right amount of stress actually brings out the best in me.

On another note, I decided not to write about breastfeeding for the time being. For those who have asked questions and I have not answered in my blog, I'll just email you. I get bored easily - I mean who would want to eat the same thing over and over again, right?

If you have been reading TODAY, you may have noticed a flurry of letters from readers commenting on marriage. It all started with a lady who wrote in and said that she caught her husband two-timing her. She hired a private detective who confirmed her suspicion. Then, she confronted her husband, his lover, his lover's husband and his lover's mother. She thought she did the right thing. Then another lady reader wrote it and commented that she was actually driving her husband away as he might be silently, planning his exit. And then, a male reader responded and mentioned that most of his married friends actually "cheated" on their wives and question the purpose of marriage, why not just cohabit - he suggested. Then, of course, the debate is still on going both in today's TODAY and yesterday's TODAY and maybe till eternity.

I was reminded when I was sending out my wedding invitations, some married colleagues mentioned in passing that "Those who are not in, want to badly come in. AND those who are already in, want to badly come out." Marriage. Marriage. Marriage. Within less than a decade of marriage, I have seen friends, colleagues who tied the knots around the same time, got separated and divorced. Some remarried, some.....just decided to focus on other things in life.

I, once, had a notion that marriage was all about romance, where your spouse would pamper you, would sing sweet songs, rub your feet, scratch your back and put you to sleep. I had the perception that one should marry out of love, and there should be chemistry, physical attraction. I was sold to those ideas of marriage and embraced them.

But marriage was not all that. I learn. Marriage is a responsibility. Marriage is not about getting equal rights, equal say - marriage is about compromise, give and take, sometimes one has to lose to win - eventually. Love is not something that blooms all of sudden. Love needs time and energy and effort. Marriage is about acceptance, patience and willingness to forgive and forget.

Most of us enter into a marriage filled with certain ideology that our spouses should do this, this and this and if they don't, we get angry, we feel cheated and we say, hey! what happen to the person I married. We expect the other party to coax us, say sweet little things, buy us gifts, remember our birthdays, anniversaries. We want our spouses to choose either us or their parents, we want them to join in our family traditions, we want them to accept our friends.

We forget that our spouses are unique individuals, raised in different environments, traditions, cultures and even different religions. He is who he is, and we are who we are. Sometimes, we forget that we CHOOSE our spouses for who they are NOT who we WANT them to be. And sometimes, we also forget that our spouses are human too, with feelings. They feel hurt, anger, sad, and maybe at times even cheated by our actions.

And when things go wrong, we tend to blame the other party - when it actually takes 2 hands to clap and it takes 2 to tango. There is a Malay saying that goes something like this 'One can see the ant at sea but not an elephant in front'. Sometimes, the fault lies with ourselves, our mind, our expectations. I have seen wives who gave their husbands silent treatments and they are proud of it, telling to the whole world - serve him right, they say! and I just don't understand. Isn't it a lose-lose situation? What do you get out of it, except for a sense of revenge? And then, these wives expect their husbands to stay loyal to them and love them? Isn't it ironic?

When I got married, my mother gave me an advice that I will never forget. An advice that I will give to everyone of my children when they embark on the wonderful journey of marriage. "Love your husband and he will love you. Love his family and they will love you. Remember, at the end of every prayers, make doa for him and his family." And alhamdullilah, although the ride was not smooth sailing all the way, there were major bumps here and there, but we got up at every fall and learn from our mistakes. Marriage is a joint responsibility. It takes lots of patience, and has many challenges. But it is a wonderful learning journey.

Tomorrow marks my 9th year into this wonderful journey and I look forward to many, many, many more splendid years. I know there will be future challenges, that we may not even forsee today. But I believe, we will overcome them, insya'allah.

More on Breastfeeding

2005-08-24T16:46:00.000+08:00

You know, it takes very little to brainwash a person. Just inundate them with wrong information, through advertisements and endorsement by professionals and experts and viola...you'll see results. The person's opinion will be swayed. And I believe, that was what happened in the past decades where many, many, Many women, truly believed (and without a doubt) that formula milk was actually better for their children.

When our older generations or even our peers advise us against breastfeeding, I believe that they had no ill intent. The notion that breastfeeding is not as good as formula is ingrained in them. Out of my respect for the older generation and to avoid any form of confrontation, I would just smile and keep quiet when they were to say something against me breastfeeding my child. There's no point in trying to argue and make them believe.

There's lot of literature about the benefits of breastfeeding. One can be overloaded with information about the type of vitamins, minerals and many more things that researchers are not aware of. But I like to look at it at a more simple, rationale and logical manner - without going into the details of what is actually in breastmilk. I ask myself a series of questions which will tell me, without a doubt, that breastmilk is the one and only perfect food for my children.

The questions are :-
(1) Which one lives longer? A human or a man-made clone that looks like the human?
(2) Which one has better memory? A human or a computer with high memory capacity?
(3) Which one tastes better? Pure water from nature or NEWater?

If your answers are humans for question (1) & (2) and pure water for question (3), can we say that whatever that man makes will not be as perfect as what his CREATOR made? Yes? Then why is it that we, mothers, want to give our children something that is man-made, less perfect that what Allah swt has given us - for free? Why is it that some mothers think that their milk is not as nutritious as formula?

The saddest thing is that this misinformation and myths about breastfeeding is passed from generation to generation. One of my friends once told me that her mother-in-law said her milk was thin and had no nutrients and compared it to a man-made formula milk and remarked that it was thick, thus more nutrients. And when it was your firstborn, you hear this sort of remark, naturally, you'd succumb to giving your child the one with "more" nutrients.

There's nothing wrong with my friend's milk. Breast milk is not like formula, the milk quality is different based on how long the baby feeds. Thin milk is called fore milk, is the milk that comes out first. It quenches the thirst of the baby and is therefore more watery. The hind milk, will be produced later, towards the end of the feed. The hind milk is thicker and contains more fat. The hind milk will cause the baby to feel full.

So if the baby do not feed for long, he will only get the foremilk and thus, he will be constantly hungry. It is usually advised to feed your baby till your breast feel empty. Similarly, if a mother is to pump her milk for a short time, she will only get fore milk, the thin milk. Be patient, because it takes a while to have a let down.

Boy, there's so much to talk about, this is only a third of what I am supposed to cover and I haven't touch on ubat periok yet! Will do that, next week. I am not sure whether I'll have access to any PC during my 2-day course. So if I don't....have a great weekend ahead! 8)

Answering Questions on Ze Boobs!

2005-08-23T14:32:00.000+08:00

I have to thank Aliyah for her strings of questions - and before I disappoint her by forgetting to answer her "boob"bilicious questions, I better do it right now. Maybe I should give myself another nick - Boob Queen *LOL* And to Ms mumble, with regards to our conversation the other day, about *ahem* enhancements - I found another product (claimed to be ala natural) that you just need to stick to the less-endowned assets and it will result in some improvement to that area. And since we don't want to consume anything after what happen to Andrea De Cruz in the Slim-10 saga, I think this is worth a try - $72 per package available at Guardian. 8)

So here are the answers - drum roll please....no drum rolls? how about butter rolls? cheese rolls? 8p *pardon my cheeky mood - it's that time of the month again*

1) Why do some women with engorged breasts ended up with no milk to feed newborn that long? sometimes setakat 3 bulan jer pas tuh no more supply.

Engorge breasts is the result of supply exceeding demand. The hormones in the woman's body is trying to regulate the supply of milk, 2 or 3 days after delivery. So it is common for a woman who just give birth to have engorged breasts. But it doesn't mean that the breasts will stay engorged for long if the supply is not met with demand for the milk i.e the baby not breastfeeding. If the baby is not put to the breast, or do not breastfeed, the supply of milk will gradually fall. And the body will react to that and will reduce the milk produce and subsequently, no milk at all.

So to ensure a good supply of milk, the body has to know that the milk will be needed and even if the baby is not breastfeeding regularly, it is advisable that new mothers pump their milk. The other reason for the reduce of breastmilk is the food that the mother is consuming. Some food reduces the supply of milk, some food is known to increase the supply of milk. But given that Singapore is a developing country, lack of nutrition is hardly the cause of drop in milk supply.

2) do women with small breasts have enuff supply for their newborn? hmmm...2 cousins of mine bof b/feed. 1 b/feed till the child is 2yrs and the other till 2 mths only. what went wrong? any way out?

The supply of milk has nothing to do with your breast size. I am rather small built, don't have much to boast about. And still I breastfeed for 8 years. Only stopped temporarily during each pregnancy. It has all to do with the demand for milk. If the demand is consistent, the body will tell the brain to produce the milk required.

Again to ensure a good supply, you have to make sure that your baby is breastfed. Some babies do not know how to breastfeed and you have to show them, entice them, open their mouth and make sure they suck properly. This is to prevent sore nipples. Some babies are natural "suckers" - suck milk and then suck blood also...hehehe.

3) i tot only formula milk makes baby grow BOOM! while b/feed makes baby grow moderate in size sometimes smaller - is this true?

Not true. Breastfed babies are rounder - you can see the difference especially when they are around 3 to 10 months before they become more active. Once they become active, they will shed their baby fat faster. One thing I also notice about breastfed babies is their tolerance for cold temperature. Even in cool temperature when we adults are shivering , they will be perspiring.

However, formula milk babies are more like to become obese as they grow older and their immune system tend to be not as strong as the breastfed babies. Just to add on a bit. One of my friends did not have a good support system when she gave birth to her 1st and 2nd. Both her mother and mother-in-law thought that her milk was too thin and not good for the baby, blah blah blah. I hope to touch on this myth sometime later. So she gave them formula and she noticed that her children got very low immunity system - easily got sick, in and out of hospitals, bad case of bronchitis and recovery would take very long.

So when she was pregnant with her 3rd child, she was adamant to breastfeed. Now, her 3rd child just turn 3 and still breastfeeding. The child is so much more healthy, hardly fall sick. And when she compared her daughter with her two older sons, she felt that she had shortchanged her sons. All because she did not get the support she needed.

So I hope I have answered your question, Aliyah....beautifully I hope...hehehe..sapelah nak puji kan, kalau bukan diri sendiri? 8P

Sorry Hor...

2005-08-23T10:10:00.000+08:00

According to my blogging calender(hmm, my blogging activities are also in my to-do list), I am supposed to continue writing about breastfeeding. However, I decided to put that on hold for the time being because I want to talk about something else. I want to getting something off my chest (figuratively speakinglah - at the rate that my babies are feeding, looks like I don't have much to get off ...hehehehe ok, so that's my private joke. 8p)

I was actually looking forward to some gal-to-gal time with one of my gal pal, this afternoon. I wanted to have Unagi for lunch but reading yesterday's news about contaminated eels, I decided not to have it until AVA gives a clear signal. But that was not the thing I want to get off my chest. The thing is, I have been wanting to have this lunchy thing for some time and then when I finally got the date and time almost fixed - I got last minute notice from Bossy that I have to complete some urgent work. And since, SINCE I will be on course on Thursday and Friday, I am expected to complete it by tomorrow. And since, SINCE I was not around yesterday, I am expected to complete work that needs around a week to complete, 2 days to complete.

So if I have so much work, why Am I wasting time blogging? I don't see blogging as a waste of time. It is a matter of perception. Thinking is Believing. By blogging, my left brain is brewing juices for my project. Ah...here I go again, always going off track!

To my darling friend, so sorry hor for the last minute notice. I was so looking forward to it. If you receive my message, please reply ok? Don't serek ok? Don't merajuk ok?

2005-08-18T09:14:00.000+08:00

August is the time that Breastfeeding Families around the World Celebrate World Breastfeeding Week 2005. Before August comes to an end, I'd like to share my stories as a breastfeeding & "pump-at-work" mom - just to give some encouragement, if I may, to some of you who are expecting your first child or those who would want to try out breastfeeding for their future children. 8)

I am not a breastfed child. According to my mum, I didn't want to. I was born in the early 70s, during the time of "two is enough" and "milk powder is best". And when as a newborn, I seemed like I did not want her milk, the nurses took the easy way out and advised her to give milk powder to me. I used to joke to my mom and said that I am more a cow's child than a human's child. But I knew, at the point in time when my mom made the decision to feed me with powder milk, she had my interest in mind. Since there was no support for her to try and breastfeed me, she was akin to being put to a corner and left with the option of starving her baby or feeding her powder milk. She chose the best option at that time.

The climate for breastfeeding was slightly different when I was pregnant with my firstborn, 25 years on. I had friends who just gave birth, tried breastfeeding and shared with me their experiences as a new mom . I read many books from childbirth, breastfeeding, how to nurture a baby and many more. I joined internet mothers group. I have been with asiaparents and cyberibu for many years. I received many information about breastfeeding, its advantages and challenges. I had a good support base, compared to my mom. So I was able to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally.

One of the magical moment of giving birth, is to see your child for the first time and feed her immediately. I was fortunate to have a wonderful gynae, who understood that and my firstborn was put to breastfed immediately. It was magical seeing a new born naturally know how to suckle without being taught or guided. My first born was a natural and so were my other three. A lot of people told me that after giving birth you'd feel exhausted - but I felt high, I felt energetic. Tiredness only sink in a few hours later.

In 1997, when I had my firstborn, breastfeeding was not as hype as it is now. Only those who specifically left instruction for the child to be totally breastfed, would get a chance to breastfeed. Otherwise, it was "naturally" bottle fed. And even if you left special instruction like that, some nurses took the liberty to bottle feed your child. Even in the late 90s, nurses were still more pro powder milk and took breastmilk as an inferior alternative.

I remembered having a minor disagreement with a nurse who told me to monitor the time taken for my newborn to breastfeed. 15 mins per side she said...I found no logic in that. I remembered also a time, when a nurse told me that I had inverted nipples..got me worried for a while but it turned out to be nothing. I went on breastfeeding 8 more years with that so called inverted thingy - and I am still breastfeeding my 16 months baby. I also remembered a nurse telling me that I was "spoiling" my baby by breastfeeding - that caused me to smirk at her remark. The support was not still not there at that time but I pulled through - most probably being an obstinate taurus.

Anyway, I have written quite a lot today, don't want to bore you. I can go on and on about my favourite topic, you know. I'd continue tomorrow on issues like why I disagree with the nurses' comments above and many more. And if you have any questions about breastfeeding, childbirth or "mothering", please feel free to ask. I'm in the mood of answering questions. Oh, and if you have friends who are having problems with pumping at work, I can help too - I have a total of 8 years experience in breastfeeding and pump-at-work and also 3 years of tandem nursing. hehehe - just in case, they are into credentials. Meanwhile, have great day ahead. 8)

2005-08-16T08:47:00.000+08:00

If you are like me, who think that how we nurture our children will affect their acadmic progress, you are in a some rude electrifying shock, my friend. I got quite a shock after reading it. If you did not watch yesterday's in parliament or read this morning's Straits Times, then you better sit down when you are reading this. Hmmm, did I scare you? No? Maybe I didn't do quite a good job. 8P

Brace yourself....Here goes. If you think that by staying at home, reading to the child and by taking her to museums will make your child perform better in school, think again, my friends. Think again.

An intensive study called, The Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, was carried out by the United States Department of Education in the late 1990s. It aimed to measure the academic progress of more than 20,000 children from kindergarten to fifth grade. The study also measured whether parenting behaviour had an effect on school performance. Now, some surprising results : it DOESN'T matter whether the mother worked or stayed at home, whether the parents read to the child; took her to the museums; or allowed her to watch frequent television. All these made NO difference to school performance.

SO what does? Another surprise for me. What did make a difference were things like socio-economic status of parents. Educational level of parents was correlated with the child's school performance. A baby with low birth weight (and presumably poor parents) is more likely to do badly in school.

Quite shocking right? It seems to suggest that it doesn't matter what the parents do, it's what they are (rich and educated, or poor and uneducated) that makes a difference to how well their children do in school.

Whether we want to agree or disagree with the study is up to each of us to decide. Afterall, this is a scientific study and like any scientific study, there may be some assumptions to the rule. But the point is, we or maybe I, do not believe that parents should nurture their children just for the sake of academic excellence. Of course, we want our children to be intelligent but we mould our children more to become wholesome individuals, with the right attitude towards life, a healthy conscious of what is right or wrong, individuals who care for others, not one who is just intelligent but unfortunately is self-centered and lacks respect for others.

Like any parent, I hope to give my children the best, the best academically and spiritually. That was the main reason why my late father and I decided to start a business providing educational materials that enable parents to provide their children with a holistic education. That was in 2001 but we had to suspend the business we fondly called as Raihan's Angels when I was pregnant with my 4th one. I was not in the best physical position to help him with the business and we decided to put the business on hold after I gave birth. But as fate has it, 5 months after I gave birth my father passed away and his dream of seeing Raihan's Angels grew bigger seemed to get buried to0.

But last Saturday, I received some very some good news and made me decide that this may be time to take Raihan's Angels out of the closet again, in loving memory of my late father. Maybe now, the least for me to do is carry on his dream of sharing educational materials to fellow muslims.

Thus, I introduced you to the first Islamic board game ala trivial pursuit is here in Singapore. The Quran Challenge Game is the 1st of its kind. It has been a bestseller in UK and USA. Now, it comes in 3 versions, English, Malay and Arabic. I love this game because it allows you and your family to have fun and learn more about the quran. So it is not like sitting through lessons. You learn and play.

There 2 types of Quran Challenge Game; One is the Junior Challenge for Kids between 5-10 years and the other is catered to 8 to adults.

This is the Junior Quran Challenge Game. RP S$39.90 (Suitable for Ages 5 -10)

No of players 2-4

There are 200 questions are taken from the Quran. They have been creatively worked into this game and children will enjoy answering them. This game can be played at school or at home with all the family members. The questions include :
> Stories from the Quran
> Prophets of the Quran
> People of the Quran
> Places of the Quran

This is Quran Challenge Game. RP S$39.90 (Available in English, Malay and Arabic) (Suitable for Ages 8- Adults)

No of players 2-4

It is creatively designed to provide hours of fun for the whole family. Containing 600 questions grouped according to themes of the Quran, the sirah of the prophets, the names of Allah, the people and places mentioned in the Quran, with answers provided.

Contains 600 Questions on the following topics:
- Quranic Knowledge
- Prophets in the Quran
- People of the Quran
- Places of the Quran
- Message of the Quran

The size of the game is almost as big as the monopoly. If you are interested, please email ani0403@yahoo.com.sg.

As it is the beginning of Raihan's Angels comeback after 2 years of absence, we are having a promotion from now till 31 Aug. Delivery is free for purchases of 2 or more plus you get 10% discount off from the total purchases. For purchase of 1 box, delivery will be done to anywhere in Singapore at a minimal charge of $5. There'll be no charges for self-collect.

And if you want to see it, you can email me and set a time and date to come over my place where we can chit chat more , with tea or coffee to go and even play the game together - before you get one to share with your loved ones. 8)

2005-08-12T09:01:00.000+08:00

A Long Night

They were awakened by the movement of their child, tossing and turning in the night. It was getting hot and humid. The night was quiet, not a sound could be heard. She looked at the clock, next to her bed. The time was 1 minute to 1. "Strange" she thought. "Almost 1 am but it seemed that I've slept for ages."

"Turn on the aircon" he whispered as he turned his body against her. Her fingers moved in the dark, searching for the remote control and turned it on. She tried to go back to sleep. Tomorrow would be another early day for her and she couldn't afford to be late. She closed her eyes but her mind was not able to relaxed and let her sleep. It drifted to many places, many events.

He opened his eyes and looked at the watch. It showed 5 minutes past 1. He turned his head towards her. It was dark. He thought he saw a shadow next to the bedroom window. "Ah, I'am just to tired" he thought. But as his tired eyes focussed on it, it looked more like an apparition, a woman of some sort in a long veil - he just couldn't make out her features. He noticed that it noticed him. As it glided towards him, he tried to recite whatever verses from the Quran that he could remember. "Auzubillahi minassyaitanirrojim", he recited it over and over again as fear crept it.

As it moved nearer, he become paralysed in fear. He called for Allah to help him. He felt that he was in a trance, his lips couldn't move, neither could his body. He tried to get away. He felt its head next to his, on the pillow. Slowly, it crept on top of him. Overpowering him with its strength. He tried to regain whatever strength he could to overcome it. "Auzubillahi minassyaitanirrojim!" he tried to shout but nothing came out from him. He struggled to fight it but could not. He felt helpless.

She heard an eerie sound, like someone wanting to cry out but couldn't. She did not dare open her eyes. She knew she had to do something. "Abang! Abang!" she barely shouted as she vigorously shook his body, opening her eyes slowly. He stared at her with a piercing look - looking hard at her. His mind wondered - Was this really my wife or was it that creature?

She shook him again. Was that just a dream? he thought. The setting did not change. He was not transported to another world. It happened in this room. He saw his wife next to him, he saw his daughter next to her. He looked around him, stood up and switched on the lights. The watch showed 30 minutes past 1.

He looked at his wife and said "I just had a nightmare. That's all. You go back to sleep. You have an early morning tomorrow." As she tried to go back to sleep, he went into the bathroom, took his wudhu', performed his solat. He tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep but he couldn't. Did it really happen, he thought. His heart was still thumping fast, his hair stood at their ends as he recalled the haunting 'dream'. Maybe he was just too tired. He closed his eyes once more, reciting ayatul kursi. Only then, he managed to get some peaceful sleep.

2005-08-11T10:19:00.000+08:00

This morning, I got myself angry because I could not find something. When I reach office, still half fuming mad, I got a subtle reminder from HIM, Allah the most merciful. Life is short, why waste it on anger, frustration, hatred and envy. No one knows whether today will be his or her last day alive. No one.

But humans, being mere mammals in weak flesh, are constantly blinded by frivolous things that surrounded us. We backstab others. We wish bad things would befell others. We gossip. We ignore. We create some fallacy about some individuals. We clawed our way up. We shoot, bomb and kill. We are the champion, we cry out. We forget that today, maybe, just maybe, would be the last for us. And yet, we don't have the conscious to reflect on all our doings or undoings.

I am not saying that I am a perfect individual, a saint who has the right to condemn humans in general. Unfortunately for me, I, too, fall into the trap of being perfectly or rather imperfectly human. We live in a total imperfect world but given the brains that we have, the least we could do is generate some wisdom. Yet, brains we have but wisdom we lack. We fight over things that actually do not matter over the long run. We fail to see the bigger picture. We fail to see that at the end of the day, we should not be fighting against ourselves, we should be helping each other in getting the best. How best we can fulfill each other's need. How best we can cherish our relationship with one another. How best we can achieve our common goal of happiness in eternity.

Life is short. Every minute of our life is numbered. I have wasted this morning being angry over nothing. I know this was not the only time when time was wasted just by succumbing to qualities that bear no fruit like envy, jealousy, impatience, impudence and many more human weaknesses. I do not know how long I'd live and whether I'd see the sunset today or sunrise tomorrow. And yet, I failed miserably in acknowledging this fact. They say, the best is yet to come or save the best for last. What happens if your time is up before the best comes? What happens when you reach the point of no return? Regret? Remorse? Numb? I dunno. And I wish I wouldn't get to know.

2005-08-10T09:40:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Singapore turns 40. Not that old for a nation...only 7 years older than me. I was here in Singapore, celebrating our nation's birthday, quietly at home. I didn't go any where. I was just looking for greener pasteur for my blog...but I am back here again to blogger.com. Nothing beats a place you call home, like blogger.com is to my blog, home is my Singapore.

Before 9/11, we wanted to leave this place we call home, to a place where we thought the grass would be greener, where the weather is much cooler and where we could live in a more relaxed pace. As fate has it, the unfold of events made us change our mind. The political climate in that other country changed against our favour and made us reconsider our plans. Through the turmoil caused by 9/11, the people of Singapore was still one happy nation, celebrating each other differences in race and religion. We, Muslims, still live peacefully alongside the Christians, Taoist, Hindus and Buddhist. We, Muslims, did not suffer as much backlash as our Muslims brothers and sisters in other countries, especially the West. Our mosques and places of congregation were unharmed. Our children can still go to madrasahs with their aurat covered.

Of course, it is without a doubt that Singapore does have its weaknesses. Of course, the standard of living is high. Of course, the prices of cars are exorbitant. The list of grievances of fellow Singaporeans is endless. But generally, one has to agree that living in Singapore is a breeze. For 40 years, we have been living peacefully and growing old together.

Some might say that complaining is a negative trait common among Singaporeans. Nonetheless, it has proven to be quite an effective catalyst for change. When someone complain publicly in the ST forum, the next thing we will definitely see is some change, maybe not big but a little. There will be some change. And I like that. It made me feel that someone is actually listening. I heard that in some countries, when they see a letter of complaint, it just get thrown away.

I am not ashamed (and I shouldn't be) of being patrotic to my own country. Afterall, this is the place that I was born, this is the place where I grew up, got married, raise a family. And although the future is so uncertain, nobody knows what is going to happen next, whether the Singapore I know will remain as it is or change for the better or for the worse, there will be somewhere in my heart, a special place for my homeland. I may be still searching for that greener pasteur but my home will still be here in Singapore....just like blogger.com will be home to my blog.

2005-08-07T12:54:00.000+08:00

Be Back Soooooon. 8)

2005-08-04T11:53:00.000+08:00

I received a very inspirational article just now. It was one of the speeches made by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios. This one was made to a group of newly graduates. I get very geared up when I read these articles. People who took the road less travelled. Steve Jobs never graduated and yet he was successful doing things that he really loved. He was passionate about the things the he did.

I have been asking myself, what is it that I really love. What is it that I am passionate about that I don't mind working my arse to do it. I just could not find the answer - Not that I do not have any interest in anything. I just have too many interests. If you don't have any interest, it is so much easier to find one. BUT when you have too many, you just get confused and don't know which one to choose.

I am in constant dilemma. I wish I could just do it. One of my friends, who is now a very successful real estate agent among our Muslim community, I shall call him S, asked me what was holding me back - and that was back in 2003. He wanted me to join him and I kept on holding back. I think he gave up on me. 8( I actually like selling houses. I loved going round from house to house - receeing the place before potential buyers come, negotiating. I enjoy that but I don't know what held me back then. Maybe it is fear of failure. I dunno. I let the opportunity passed by me and had another baby. 8)

Another thing I enjoy is writing. I actually have 2 completed children's books - only need to be illustrated. I have been procrastinating sending it for publishing for more than a year now. God - I am the mother of all procratinators. I should shoot myself. I also have many short stories - and I kept thinking who would want them, right? I am no JK Rowling. Am I so negative? I can be so positive and so encouraging to others and yet, so hard on myself.

Sending these stories to publishers is like drawing my own blood. Maybe after writing this, I would have more courage. I kept on reading inspirational stuffs, motivational stuffs - from Jay Abraham to Andrew Matthews and yet, I have not done a thing I read. You know, it is so much easier to be wise to others than to be wise to yourself. I wish I could just sum up the courage and you know just do it. By the way, I love the new Nike ad. Maybe I should just do that, leave my old self behind.....