Coming Back.....

I am not sure if this entry is a sign of me coming back to blogging....I don't want to promise myself that I'll continue. Perhaps, I'll just let things flow and see how it goes.

So much has happened since I last wrote. At the end of each trials, I see my life unfolds in many different perspectives. How many times the unexpected happened when we thought that we have all the contingency plans covered? I am no wiser when it comes to trying to foresee the future. All is in the hands of Allah s.w.t. All written. All confirmed way before we existed. As our Prophet s.a.w put it " The ink has dried up".

I'll just let things flow as Allah has planned for it. It makes life so much easier - less stress, less expectations. HE is, after all, the BEST provider.

The year 2007 was a very eventful year for me - a year filled with events of both ups and downs. I saw the baggage that we carried from Ramadhan 2006 to March 2007 solved beautifully by Allah s.w.t in January this year. Subhannallah! Allahuakbar! What an enriching experience! When we thought we were pushed to a corner, with no where to go, Allah opened another door for us. I remembered crying many tears for hopelessness and then tears of relief. Thank you, Allah.

The experience further strengthens my belief on Sabar - Tawakal - Redha. All we need is Allah. HE will always be there for us even if every human were to ostracise or abandon us.

I do not know how 2008 will end but a part of me don't really care. I just pray for Allah to guide us - to show us the right way, to give us strength to do what is right and the strength to restrain ourselves from doing things that HE forbids.

I know not if there will be an entry after this. If it is something right for me to do, then let it be easy for me to achieve. If there is no entry after this, you know what it means.

Anyway, Eid Mubarak to all Muslims. =)

Just some thoughts....

Ever since I got pregnant sometime last May, I lost all mood to write. I was going through some of my previous writings and honestly, I am pleasantly surprised by the varying topics that I had touched on. I realised that I write best when I am troubled by a certain issue and it touched me deeply. And as the troubles waned away, the inspiration just get drifted along.

It is not to say that I don't have any life challenges currently. I do. No one in this world is trouble free. And if anyone out there were to think that they are all alone facing all the problems in the world. I am "pleased" to tell them that they are not alone. Everyone has his own set of problems. Sometimes big. Sometimes small. That is the purpose of our life on this world - our test is how we cope or handle the problems that we face.

If I were to write a list of all the problems or worries that I have, I think it will be too long for anyone to read. Sometimes, even before something becomes a problem - we already foresee it as a problem. We make our heart aches, our brain hurts just thinking, pondering, wondering about a future problem that may or may not even happen. I do this all the time. I am quite sure there are many others out there just like me. We think too much into the future.

I know that I am not supposed to think too much into the future. I know that I am supposed to do my best NOW, at this present point in time and then leave it to Allah to handle the future. But being humans (the best excuse I have), it is easier said than done. I remind myself constantly about this. Allah will provide the best for me. Allah knows best and yet, time and time again - I worry. Am I doing it right? What if anything goes wrong?

A wise person once told me,"Before you do anything, ask your conscious. Why are you doing it? Is it good? Do you feel right? If your conscious is clear and you are doing something good, for the sake of Allah, go on do it. Then tawakal. Leave it to Allah to handle the rest. It may not be smooth sailing. There will be challenges ahead but once you accept that the decision was guided by Allah, you will be more patient and more at peace. Insya'allah."

I love that wise person. Allah had planted the inspiration to give me with such priceless advice. Alhamdullilah.

To realise that I cannot solve my problems alone and to know that I need my Creator, to intervene and help me solve my problems is a very humbling experience. I am just HIS servant answers the basic question of "Who am I?" and "What I am here for?".

As I am writing and reading what I just wrote, I am reminded that the problems that I face every day and sometimes they remained unresolved for a very long time, are actually blessings in disguise. These life challenges make me always remember ALLAH, make me always in NEED of HIS help, make me always want to whisper and talk to HIM.

And as I do this often, every single moment, hoping and praying that Allah solves my problems in the best possible manner - reciting Rabbi Yassir Wa la tu'assir - I get closer and closer to Allah. And so instead of sighing and asking Why are these unpleasant encounters happening to me - I say Alhamdullilah - Thank you Allah for giving me this very opportunity to remember you and be close to you.

And I know that Allah will solve my problems for me because only HE handles all my affairs. Thank you Allah for making me remember this.

Freaky Frog Fright

That was what we just had. And No we didn't have frog for lunch. Anyway, we are Muslims so frogs will never be on our menu. But my significant other rears fishes that eat frogs so we usually have a container of live frogs at home. And...No, I never touch them not even the container that holds them. You see, I am afraid of frogs. I find them yucky and disgusting.

My only thought about them is that they may just hop into my dress if ever I come close. So my most feared nightmare happened this very afternoon when one freaky frog decided to escape and make its presence right in front of the TV while I was breastfeeding and watching Jamie Oliver made mashed potatoes! Hubby was at work and it was just me, my 3 little ones and that green thing!

We let out our loudest shriek, ran all the way to the furthest bedroom and shut the door. I think the whole estate heard us. I sat on the bed - half breathless and called the man of the house. The man was in a meeting and he could only offered a whispered advice - Close all doors, get an ice cream container and just cover that thing. Sound easy, right? Yeah, easy peasy.

So all I could do was gingerly got out of my room, wearing my bedroom slippers - in case I stepped on it, I had protection, closed all the doors and tried to talk myself into being a brave girl and just cover that darn thing with an ice cream container. Then I saw the frog at the corner of the coffee table. I almost peed in my pants in fright. He made it sound so easy - cover it with an ice cream container. My comfort zone with frogs is not 10 cm. It is 1 m for heaven's sake. So I ran back to my refuge.

And if he was not in a meeting, I would have called him - screaming my head off and crying my eyes out - begging him to come back and catch that darn thing. But I had to contain all that emotions and send a short message, pls come home, syg. can't do anythg! The reply was not so comforting though - sori, in mtg. cal bak (refer to my dearest father in law - he is my hero).

So I called my father-in-law and he came with his troop, armed with a red umbrella about 15 to 20 mins later. My daughters and I walked like elephants to open the door. My great idea of trying to frighten the frog and made it go into hiding. hehe.

So my father-in-law and his other brave companion (the family maid) went looking for the frog - under the sofa, under the coffee table, under the TV console - where it was found dead trapped in dirt and hair. This is a good reason why you shouldn't keep your house so clean if your husband keeps frogs at home. Anyway, I couldn't believe it is dead but I don't dare to look at it. It was alive and hopping just 15 mins ago. So we made another house search to make sure that there were no other frogs. We found none.

So we did a headcount - on the frogs in the container. Hubby bought 8. 2 were fed to the fish last night, 5 left in the container and 1 was dead - the escapee. Ok, all counted for. I thanked my heroes profusely. I don't think my daughters and I would have the courage to ever leave my room till it was caught. I didn't care whether it was caught dead or alive.

So that was our frightening afternoon which thankfully had a happy ending for us but not the frog.

My daughters and I are still puzzled over its unexpected death. We talked about how it may have died and my wise 6 year old told me innocently that it died of fright when it heard us stamping our feet loudly, walking like an elephant. Maybe.

So if you are afraid of frogs and one happened to get strayed into your house, try walking like at elephant. Who knows, the frog may just die of fright. hehe.

Missing You, Missing Me

I miss having the luxury of blogging and blog hopping. I miss writing comments in your blogs. I miss reading all those interesting entries. I miss having the time to write, to surf the net, to read the newspapers, magazines and whatever reading materials that I can get my hands on. I just miss them.

How am I coping? Ok I guess. Sometimes, it is fantastic. Sometimes it is just horrible. But isn't it normal to have ups and downs? So I am just riding the waves as I go along. What I really wish for is to have more energy and more time to write. Maybe what I really need is discipline - but for those who have cared for young babies, I am sure you know how unpredictable they can be. I can plan my timetable like I am at work but babies don't work according to our schedule - we have to work around their schedule. So my timetable is usually flushed down the drain.

Sometimes as I carry out my daily chores like sweeping the floor or even while ironing, I feel that I am writing in my mind and how I wish technology is so sophisticated that what I have in mind can be transported into hardcopy for me to read, edit and publish on my blog later on.

Besides missing what I enjoy doing, I am also going to miss a very good friend who will leave for UAE in March with her hubby and 3 children. I am going to miss all those lunches that we have, those heart to heart talk about religion, family, career. She will be away for at least 3 years and I even thought of getting a webcam so I can see her while I chat.

Epi and I have known each other for more than a decade - that is most of my adult life. I love her to bits. When I first heard that her hubby had plans of taking up a job overseas, deep in my heart I knew Epi wouldn't want to go. I know Epi. Her attachment here is too strong but I also knew that having her hubby work alone there is never an option for her.

Besides, I also did not want her to go. I'd miss her so much. But as a good friend, I have to support her in whatever decision that she takes. We talked a lot about her being away, how her sons would be taking in, the family members and friends who she would be leaving behind. I never told her that I actually did not want to see her go. I feel that if I were to do that, I may influence her decision. And now that I know she's going, I am happy as well as a bit sad. But I am assured that the decision she made is as Allah wants it to be.

The last time she came over to see me, I saw tears in her eyes but I couldn't let myself reciprocate. It is not that I will not miss her. I will miss her a lot - for more than 10 years, we meet almost every day. But I feel that there's no need for me to worsen how she must feel now. The thought of saying goodbyes to those who are leaving behind is heart breaking enough. I just have to be happy for her.

So I remembered smiling, making jokes about her sending back cheese and salmon for me but I was sad - sad to see her go. Epi doesn't read blogs. She does not have the time. But maybe when she is in UAE where she will be a stayhome Tai-tai, a title that I like to call her as she's bringing her maid along as a support system there, she may start reading my blogs. And if she were to stumble on this entry, I just want to tell her - Epi, I miss you.

And Now There's 5....

Wow, time really flies when you are having fun. Has it been almost a month since my last entry? So much has happened in the past 3 weeks or so. Yet, so little time for me to write them all down. I have a baby to look after, 4 young children to tend to, a house to clean and of course, the beloved significant other to pamper. hehe. Sound like a good life, eh? Never better, I'd say....Seriously, even with the housework always in my mind - I think this is the best so called confinement I have had. Yes, I'd call it a confinement even though I don't abide by the confinement rules....I have the luxury of breaking all the rules as I am looking after myself - have been doing that since my firstborn anyway.

Anyway before I forget, I'd like to thank all the well wishers. Alhamdullilah, our little light of happiness decided to meet us in the early morning of 22 Jan 2007 (3 Muharram 1428). I don't think I'll forget the time of birth - 0234. Nice eh?

Yes, it is another girl - and she is so adorable, so beautiful, so perfect. And she looks like my better half - also nothing new. I guess he must have stronger genes than me. But - as we all know the baby's look usually change and now 2 of my children who used to look like their father when they were born, are looking like me. So no worries.

I wonder whether it is worth writing the birth story because I believe every mother will remember the birth of each of their children even without writing them down. It is a gift from Allah - each birth is so significant and so different that it remains in your memory for a long time. You will forget about the pain that you have gone through - you will just remember the feelings when you first see your newborn. I am sure all mothers reading this will be able to relate- that indescribable feeling of joy, excitement that pumps the adrenalin.

I have 5 different birth stories to tell - each one of them so unique. But there is one thing in common that I felt. Fear. Not during the actual labour but days before. No matter how many times you have given birth, you are bound to feel afraid. Afraid of what may go wrong. But it is also times like this that we put complete trust in Allah and I remembered praying and asking HIM to let me have a safe and easy delivery - Alhamdullilah, my little girl was delivered with only just one push and about less than 15 mins of pain.

I will not dwell on the birth story because I'd bore myself - have been telling it to those who came over and asked me about it. They say that I am a "pro" in the delivery department. Hehe.

Broken Telephone

I am sure most of us had played this game in our school days. And I am quite sure that those who played the game enjoyed it tremendously. I remembered having a good laugh over how distorted the message had become. A simple message of four to five words can be grotesquely changed to something so different.

As I grow older, I realised how real this game is - how a simple message can get misunderstood, misconstrued as malicious even though there was no intent by the original communicator. The meaning of messages get changed when the receiver adds on his/her opinions, perceptions and personal experiences and it get passed on to another person who will, in turn, add on whatever he/she feels right. And when this happens in real life, the effect is no longer a laughing matter.

I saw ties severed just because of this. I saw distrust and unduly suspicion emerged. I saw alliances formed – outwitting one another. It was unfortunate that I had to witness siblings squabble just over some miscommunication that could have been easily resolved by just talking things out. And the saddest thing was it just started with a remark made by one of them - over the care of an elderly parent.

Maybe as a third party, I am able to see the bigger picture. Maybe because I am not emotionally involved in the whole situation, I could see that there was actually nothing to it. It was just a case of a broken telephone.

And the problem can be resolved easily. Bring everyone together and announce the message for everyone to hear – loud and clear. But people being people are too complex to do simple things such as this.

They would rather talk among their alliances, have their own opinions and ideas of what was happening – assuming, guessing and making fools out of themselves. But they do not know or maybe, do not wish to know because they think that they are right. They preferred to talk behind people back rather than come out front to clear the air.

I have seen this before and I am seeing it again, unfortunately. I saw once a group of siblings who formed alliances and were constantly suspicious of one another until one of them passed away. And what was left was only major regret. I saw they cried their eyes out when it happened but what good did it do when you had made enemies out of your own siblings, who were once your playmate, your friend, your constant companion?

It is funny when I see these siblings who tend to be nicer, more accommodating and more receptive to people not related to them. But to their own siblings, they tend to be more calculative and more demanding.

I have always believed that blood will always be thicker than water so I can never understand why some people will let a broken telephone comes in between their own flesh and blood.

For the moment, I just want to be an audience to this whole life drama with an ending that only Allah knows. And I hope and pray that they will just resolve the whole matter by fixing that broken telephone.