U-turn

Coming to my ninth year of being a mother, the most difficult task at hand is disciplining my children. Be it shouting the house done or nagging till I turn blue, I am clear in my intent. I want my children to turn out as good, educated, well-mannered, socially accepted human beings. I am very clear about it but, unfortunately that noble intent of a mother is never clear to any children, mine or others.

In most marriage I know, the mother has always been the main disciplinarian for the children. That was the role of my mother and so was my grandma. We are strict to the core, no nonsense kind of mom. Whenever I misbehaved in public, I would get a pinch from a smiling face mom and the pinch would be aimed at a highly concealed part of my body. When I pulled a long face, I would get another pinch from a mom who never stopped smiling. I used to keep quiet in public whenever that happened but when it's my turn being mom, my children would turn to me and say in a loud voice, "Why do you have to pinch me??!!" and start wailing like I had hit them with a ton of bricks. So instead of the smiling mom, I would become the red-faced mom who felt like hiding behind the cashier's counter - turning round once in a while to see whether anyone had called the police to report a child abuse!

I found out that whatever method of disciplines that worked for my mom or my grandma no longer work for me and my children. It is exasperating when you found out that the only guideline you have is not operational. Sometimes, I feel that I am truly on the edge of cliff - no other way but to jump down to near death. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. Pass the baton on to my darling hubby whose degree of patience is far higher than mine. And amazingly, when he does turn on his discipline mode (maybe every time the moon becomes full) it works - the children listen and do as he says. He does not need to nag. He does not need to bring the house down or chase whoever in it out. He only has to say it once in his normal tone in just one breath and things get done! To me, it is a miracle. It’s like a dream come true.

So one night, when the children are all fast asleep, I sat down with the maestro to review my disciplinary skills. All this while, I have been using shortcuts - raising my voice, nagging and at times resorted to pinching, tapping them on the hands- actions that negate my original noble intent. Patience is the key. However, patience is one of my weaknesses. It is something that I really have to work hard to achieve.

It is a well-known fact that children need constant reminders of what should or should not be done. This is how their mind works. I know that. I know but ironically, I think it is common that parents do set limits on the number of time we need to repeat ourselves. We give them, maybe 3 or 4 times of constant repetition before we say "Ok, I've had enough of this nonsense and you are going to get it from me."

For the past8 years of parenthood, it was I who set my patience limit. I allowed myself to get angry when my reminders fell on deaf ears. Well, I always thought that my children had heard them but just refused to do as I say. I realise now that it might not be so. They may be just too engrossed in what they were doing such that they did not hear. So it is not a case of wilful defiance as I had presumed it to be.

Now, it is time that I make a U-turn. I have to go back and discard the ineffective disciplinary techniques that had passed down from generation to generation. I have to re-think and re-design new techniques that I can apply. But before that I have to learn how to be patient and really, really listen to my children.