Blog Therapy

This may sound stupid or even strange coming from someone who has been working for more than a decade and is no stranger to any meetings - with small boys or big ones for that matter. I still feel the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach whenever I have to attend a meeting with key decision makers. It is the same feeling that I used to feel on every tests or exams that I had to sit. I just don’t understand why I feel this way when in most of these meetings, I just have to sit down - give some opinions if I have any and hardly need to make any presentation.

Yet, this uneasy feeling would mysteriously appear days before the meeting and oddly fade away the moment I stepped out of the meeting room. There are times when the anxiety escalates to a point that I would get nightmares or even insomnia nights before. Why do I feel this way? I just could not understand. Just like a few days ago, I could feel a sense of heightening anxiety that I could not explain. I know the reason. I have a meeting right after lunch today – with the decision makers. And the meeting is not about me, in the first place. It is about other things and yet, I feel fear? Stressed? Anxiety? I just don’t know what to describe it.

These last few days, I have been trying to make sense on why I feel this way. Some may say it is normal but being me, I like to get to the bottom of things. And if I can help myself by analyzing why I am feeling such, why not? There are several questions that came to mind. Could it be that I am uncertain of what the decisions that are going to be made? Could it be because I am afraid of saying the wrong things? Could it be that I am afraid that they will laugh at what I say or the way I dress? Could it be that I am afraid that they are assessing me while I am sitting there doodling instead of writing some high-level corporate jargons? Could it be that I am just trying to hard to make a good impression to the big boys?

As I write and read what I wrote over and over again, all these fears or sense of uncertainty that I feel are actually unfounded. I created these feelings myself by letting my imagination paint scenarios that I would not want to happen. I cannot control what others think of me. And I should go into that meeting with a clear conscious. Yes, I have done my job, the best that I could. These people, top management, the big players, key decision makers are human too. And some of them could be like me – nervous, anxious, or even afraid et cetera, et cetera.

They are not the ones I should fear. They are not the ones who actually determine my rezeki, fate or future. And I have not done any injustice to anyone, blackmailed any one or even backstabbed anyone – I am clean. I have done my fair share, my honest fair share. So why must I allow myself to feel stressed and uneasy? It is time that I discard these feelings; cast them out of my mind and my system.

And if, in future, I get these unfounded, non-beneficial feelings again, I’ll just come back and read this entry again. Isn’t blogging therapeutic?