“Quality” & “Equality”

Whenever I ‘m asked how I divide my time among my 4 children or how I ensure that I was spending quality time with each one, I usually keep quiet. I just don’t know how to answer such question. To me, it is a matter of just going with the flow. Thinking about it now, I don’t think that I really make a conscious effort to ensure “quality” or “equality” when I am with my children.

How do one measure “quality” or “equality” for that matter? A more fundamental question should be what is “quality” or “equality”? I am sure every one of us has different understanding about these 2 words. For me, having quality time with my children is just being there. It can be just a simple activity of watching TV together, having dinner together or just being in the same room with them – they do their own activities and I do mine. Whatever the activity may be, my children know that I am there with them and if they need any help or just want to talk about what happened during the day, they know I am physically there to help. And even if I am not physically there, I make sure they know where to get me.

I don’t agree with some people who think that quality time means spending meaningful activities with them and lazing around with your children is not quality time. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we should not do any meaningful activities with our children such as playing games or reading books together. But what I disagree is why do we limit quality time as having such activities only when there are many other effortless things that we can do to make our children happy.

When I had only 1 child, I was sold to this idea of quality time. Whenever I spend time with her, I would plan what to do – all those so called meaningful activities. It reached a stage where I felt compelled to carry them through even though it appeared that my child and I were not actually enjoying those activities. So instead of actually enjoying ourselves, I ended up stressing myself for trying to ensure I had quality time with my child. On hindsight, it was silly – even ridiculous. But, as a young mother and with no experience, I had no other form of benchmark. I took in practically all ideas that I read in the countless parenting books, ignorant to the fact that every child and mother is different.

As our family grew from 1 child to 4 children, I learnt that children have very simple needs. To them, as long as we devote a little of our time to their needs, they are happy. They are happy when we pick them up from school. They are happy when we watch TV together with them. They are happy when we just sit at the dinner table with them, eating together. Just simple activities, make them happy. So I changed my perspective of having quality time. It is about making my children happy and making us, parents happy.

On the “equality” of time, I think no human can actually divide his time equally to meet the needs of those he love. And because life is so unpredictable, we can never tell who needs more or less of our time at one certain moment. Sometimes, my eldest child complains that I seem to spend more time with my youngest one. My answer is and will always be that she is always the one that I have spent most of my time with – simply because she is the eldest and if only she could remember when she was young, she was the only child for 3 years and had my full attention. I also usually remind her that her baby sister is still not as independent as her and needs more attention and care than any of her siblings. I know she may not be satisfied with that answer for the current moment. But I hope as years go by, as she grows older, she will understand that “equality” of time only exists in theory. In real life, it is wholly dependable on the needs of the individual who we want to share our time with.

So, in the future, if someone were to ask me how I ensure that I divide my time equally among my children and how I spend quality time with them, I hope I remember to refer them to this entry in my blog and I can still remain quiet.