Reading ST's forum page on the abortion of foetus laden with the risk of being a down syndrome or handicapped child, I recalled an incident that happened in Dec 1998. In Nov 1998, I was the happiest woman on earth. I just found out I was pregnant again. We were ready to have a second child. We were so happy that we went for a holiday to celebrate; Mersing, Cherating and KL. I called the shots and DH was willing to go anywhere.

We came back mid December, tired but happy. I counted that I was already in my 10 weeks of pregnancy. Still, I see no need to see the gynae. "It's still early," I remembered telling DH. A few mornings later, I was spotting...not much. I thought nothing of it...but just to play safe, I went to see my gynae.

I did not prepare myself for what was to come. My gynae said the baby was not growing and the heart beat was too slow. I still remembered the image of the baby vividly, the heart was pumping and I couldn't see anything wrong. What she said later shocked me. "There is something very wrong with the baby's heart. If I were you, I abort it." Huh? My mind blanked for awhile...wondering, trying to figure out "what in the world" was happening. Abort? How could I? This was my baby. I could see the heart beat. It was moving. How could I just give up on the child? How could I NOT give my child a chance to live? Lots of questions raced through my mind. Only Allah knows.

I asked "Isn't there any other way? Is abortion the only way?" My gynae went on to say "Even if the child survives, he or she will have congenital heart disease and most probably will need a pace maker to regularise the heartbeat." BUT I was willing to accept the child as he or she may turn out to be. Be it with or without the pace maker....The thought to getting rid of my baby whose heart beat I could see so vividly seemed out of the world. How could I kill my own flesh and blood? Would any other mother would just say "YES" to killing her own unborn child? I wonder.

Sensing my reluctance, my gynae gave me some hormone shots to strengthen the baby. My gynae was sceptical about how the baby's growth and I was told to follow up the next week. As a medical expert, she assessed that the baby may not last 12 weeks. But pray for the best, she told me.

I remembered the traumatizing whole week that I went through...crying, talking to Allah. Time seemed to pass so slowly with things going in slow motion. I fear of the outcome. I remembered talking for hours with DH, both of us hoping for the best. Both of us trying to come to terms with the worst case scenario. We have to prepare in case it happened. I remembered vividly making doa, asking HIM to make it easier for me to make a decision. If the time is not right or good for me to have this baby, I am willing to let him or her go.

27th December 1998, a wet Saturday morning at the gynae's clinic, we saw the heart beat stopped. As we have already accepted that Allah swt may decide to take the baby away, I was amazingly at peace when I saw my 11 weeks old baby on screen without a sign of life. Allah is the best provider. HE provides what is good for me.

That episode in my life becomes a constant reminder to me. A child is a gift from Allah swt. HE decides when it is good for you to have one. I did not want to have a second child so soon after my first one. My daily words telling others and my family members about delaying having another child becomes my constant prayers. Allah tested me by taking my unborn child away when I was so so ready to have another. HE made me realise that we, humans can only plan so much for the future....ULTIMATELY, it is up to ALLAH to make it happen.