In all my life, the battles that I fight within me are more severe than any other physical battles. I believe I am not alone. I believe that all of us have constant internal wars waging....the Dr Jackel against Mr Hyde. There is nothing worse than coming out of the war exhausted, drained and near emotional "death". BUT there is nothing more magnificent than coming out of your war enlightened and victorious.

My internal war used to be the guilt-ridden feeling of abandoning my children while I worked. I thought that the fact that I was working FULL TIME, I was reliquishing my foremost responsibility to others. I thought that by letting another person to look after my children, I am depriving my offsprings the true meaning of a mother's love. I thought that my children would be starved of love. I thought that no other person could be trusted to look after my children. So those were the days where I went to work, burdened with guilt, anger and frustration for not doing WHAT I WAS MEANT TO DO....that is be at home with my children 24/7.

I had drilled in my head that my children NEEDED ME and ME not being there 12 hours a day was a big major disaster for their mental and emotional development. Because they would miss me tremendously and they would suffer emotionally without me around. Well, well, well....I took 5 months to realise that I was wrong.

It was NOT them who were suffering from all these emotional and mental turmoil....IT WAS ME. I was the main problem to the whole equation. It dawned on me that I WAS THE ONE WHO MISSED THEM TREMENDOUSLY WHEN I WAS AT WORK. They were not unhappy with Mommy working. The MOMMY was THE UNHAPPY ONE.

Yes, my children need me but they do not need me 24/7. They need their own space to become who they will be. They need their own time to be creative, to learn social skills, to interact with both children and adults. It was not them who were clingy...It was ME. I was the clingy one in the relationship.

I was trying to hold on. I was satisfying my own needs, the ultimate need to be wanted, to be depended on. And all this time, I forgot to look at the whole picture that my children ACTUALLY do not mind me NOT being around them. They are more independent. They love meeting other people. They know how to carry themselves when MOMMY is not around. I discover that with trust, other caregivers can love and take care of my children even better that I can. I realise that being physically there with my children 24/7 does not make me a better disciplinarian, a better role model, a better caregiver.

When I started work this week, I threw my guilt out out the window. Alhamdullilah, Allah showed me the way. Alhamdullilah, childcare arrangement is well taken care. I had the priviledge to watch and monitor the whole arrangement before going back to work. It allows me to go to work with a peace of mind. I know that my children are INDEED happy without me being there 24/7. They know that MOMMY will always BE there (not just physically but emotionally and mentally) when they really need her. This is my battle won!

Afternote : I am not advocating that all mothers should go to work. All of us are given choices. We choose the path that will meet the best of our family's needs. I choose to work. BUT work is NOT my life...I work for my family. I work for my intellectual needs. I work so that my family can have the little luxuries that money can buy. However, work is not worthwhile if it robs all my time and energy such that it does not allow me to spend quality time with my family.