Promise Me - Part 2

No matter how prepared you are for death, it will always take you by surprise. I knew she would leave me. I knew and yet a little glint of hope remained, a hope that she might be cure. With all the modern technology that man has created, why can't she be saved?

Death will always overcome us. Death knows neither the young nor the old, neither the rich nor the poor. There is no running away from it. I looked out the window, droplets of rains pelted against the window pane. The sky was crying with me. I felt so empty. She was gone and never coming back. The last time I saw her, she was all wrapped up in white, just plain white cloths and nothing more. She never liked white, I thought. Isn't it an irony that in death one can never choose what one wants to wear?

My mind played back the scenes of this afternoon. No detail was spared; the sound, the scent and the sight was brought back so vividly. I had my last kiss and it was planted on her forehead. The warmth of life was gone. What was left was just the mere shell of her soul; just the body and nothing more. The familiar scent of hers no longer lingered.

From dust to dust...we came into being with nothing and we return with nothing. I had many wishes when I saw her like that and one of them was to free her from being tied so tight and hug her and carry her away. But she looked so peaceful and serene. It was me who wanted to be free. My soul was imprisoned far too long from secrets that I was ashamed to even acknowledge.

My heart felt like it was pierced by a sword. It was bleeding but I could not cry for the sake of my son. I wish it were me that they were burying that day. Wouldn't it be easier? My past would not be haunting me. It would have been an escapade. Her task, on this earth, was over but mine seemed just started.

That afternoon, as I carried her to her final resting place, I wished, once more that someone would just wake me up from this horrid dream. Please God, I learnt my lesson. Let me do it all over again. Give me one, just one last chance. I begged and I pleaded. Then, I remembered that not a single drop of tear can bring her back alive.

All those who came had gone back home. The house was quiet, so eerily quiet. I stood up from my place of prayers. I wished I could recite those words of God over and over again...at least my heart would feel tranquil. But man's emotions are devils on its own. Emotions preyed on my mind, my heart and my soul. I caused her death. It was me. The earth with its mountains, terrains, oceans and deserts could never fill the emptiness and regrets that I felt.

She was a good wife, my father said. How true that was and how cruel was I not to see and appreciate her for it. How many times have I ignored her? How many times have I just treated her like some machine with no emotions and needs? How many times have I.... Oh God!Is this the kind of man that you want to roam your world? Why didn't you take me instead? I am a filthy human being.

I looked at the crumpled piece of paper in my hand. The bottom of the note was torn. I had found it this afternoon in her drawer. As I looked at it again, I was ashamed to realize that at first I could not recognize her handwriting. I wondered why she didn't give to me and had wanted to throw it away. I think I knew why. I read it again.

My Darling

Our 10 years together was more that I have ever dreamed for. In my moments of loneliness, I remind myself constantly that you have a responsibility to meet, not just to me, your wife. You have made a commitment to the country and I am willing to take the back seat. I understand that. But how I wish I could move back in time or at least put time on a standstill.

Time is not on my side, my love. The doctor said that I have only a few months to live. A part of me died when I heard that. I wish you were there with me. But I knew your job takes precedent over me. I thought of our son, our only son. He is still young. He is only 5. He does not know much. How cruel can fate be, to let a son lose his mother?

My love, I wish I have done more to my life. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise. They say things happen for a reason. I wonder what is my reason. I just want to be with you and our son. That's all I ask for. I hope in my final moments, you just could let us be the way we were...before the money and the success.

I realize now that those things don't matter. This huge house does not matter. Sometimes, I just don't know how to tell you...that I need you so much. I feel so lonely. I wish...

I straightened the note over and over again. A sense of anguish enveloped me. I cowered to the dark corner of the bedroom. I was afraid that my son would see me it this vulnerable state. The quietness was too much for me to bear. The burden of my soul was too great. I was filled with guilt. Why was I so cruel? Where was I when she needed me?

My heart was filled was remorse. I knew where I was...I knew where my heart was when she needed me so much. My heart was with another of her kind...the other woman.