Promise Me - Part 3

I remembered that night when I first made that promise. I had broken so many promises but this time, I knew this promise was one for me to keep. It was one of those nights where my mind roamed and wandered aimlessly, hindering me from sleeping. Tomorrow was just another ordinary day, with endless meetings and community work, a typical busy political life.

I watched her sleep, a rare moment for a husband who hardly bothered watching his wife, either awake or asleep. Her chest heaved at a regular beat, softly and gently. She was asleep for a long time already. The drugs were starting to take its toll on her fragile body. The doctors could no longer reduce any dosage. More, they said. More was good for the pain.

"Sarah..." Her soft whisper broke the silence. Sarah? A name I haven't heard for more than a decade. "Sarah..." Again she whispered. Was she delirious? I thought. She opened her eyes slowly and reached for my hand.

"Remember Sarah?" she asked me as tears ran down her sunken cheeks. "I miss her so much. You think I can see her again. Just once?" I fell silent. I did not know how to reply. How could I deny such a request? All this while, she hardly asked for anything and obliging to my every whims and fancies.

Sarah was our first-born, out of wedlock. We were young and free-spirited, far away from our families. We fell to temptations and desires. Sarah was born out of one of those temptations and desires. I was on scholarship in England, pursuing my final year and she was a freshman. We were too young to elope and my scholarship was at stake. I could not forsake a good employment and future, just for the sake a major mistake. None of our family members knew about Sarah, it was a well-kept secret.

I had never been true to anyone, not even to myself. My whole life was a facade, a charade and a good one I must admit. I lost my desire for her once she had Sarah. But I knew if I did not marry her, she would be a potential time bomb, a potential threat to my future. My darkest secrets lay in her hands. I managed to persuade her to give up Sarah for adoption, with my sweet talks of hopes and future together. It was not difficult. If she was willing to give up her dignity for me, what was another?

We found a family for Sarah, a childless couple who yearned for a child. They were good, old-fashioned Muslim family, migrants from Pakistan. They provided all the necessary legal arrangements and I managed to wash my hands off that child - but not off my sins. Sins that plagued me like a frightful disease. For years, I had buried those sins deep within me.

These sins resurfaced when she mentioned Sarah's name that night. I wondered how many nights did she lay awake, thinking for a long lost child. Maybe a few months earlier, I would not have bothered. After all, I did not marry her out of love, it was a marriage of convenience, for me at least - a convenient so that my secrets are well-kept in dark closets of our lives. A wave of disgust swept over me. I am such a fake, full of treachery.

That night, in that cold hospital room, I realized that I am what I was not before. I realized that she had given me what no other woman could - a life blessed with unconditional love and trust, despite many of my major flaws. She could not be so blind as not to see beneath my deceit. But she accepted them, those evil flaws of mine. And she did nothing in return, to hurt me or humiliate me. What else could I do but to reciprocate that love and grant her this wish?

I kissed her cold, frail hands and pressed them on my cheeks. "I remember Sarah, darling. I have never forgotten her. She is our child. I promise you that I will bring her back to Singapore so you can see her. I promise."

Her face broke into a gentle smile. She softly whispered. "Promise me?" I nodded. In a hesitated pause, she continued, "Even if I don't get to see her, promise me that you will bring her back to meet her brother, Adam and..." I put my finger on her chapped lips, hushing her to silence. I hated it when she mentioned about death. I wanted so much to redeem my sins to her, to make her forget all her past miseries being married to me.

"Don't say that." I whispered as my lips touched hers. "We have the money for all your treatment. You will get well and I promise you I'll bring Sarah back." I assured her, stroking her hair as she closed her eyes and fell back into another deep sleep.

"I love you" I whispered in her ears. All of a sudden, those three simple words brought new meaning to my life and hers. I understood now what they mean, truly.