Stress & Marriage

Sometimes (like today), I wonder whether I am taking on more than I could chew. I just feel overwhelmed, my mind has endless to-do lists. Such an irony - that just last week, I attended a Stress Management course! Maybe, I should start doing those "break the stress" techniques. Oh, and I did YOGA...didn't know I was THAT flexible. 8-) That was an eye-opener.

So here goes - deep breathe in, breeeeeeeeaaaaaaaathe out. Laugh, I need to laugh - must read some hilarious blogs. Walk backwards, make hissing sounds and here is what I should do more often and it has been proven to be a great STRESS buster....zikir. Ok, so out stress, out! But then again....what is life without stress? I need stress to PUSH me. In fact, come to think of it, the right amount of stress actually brings out the best in me.

On another note, I decided not to write about breastfeeding for the time being. For those who have asked questions and I have not answered in my blog, I'll just email you. I get bored easily - I mean who would want to eat the same thing over and over again, right?

If you have been reading TODAY, you may have noticed a flurry of letters from readers commenting on marriage. It all started with a lady who wrote in and said that she caught her husband two-timing her. She hired a private detective who confirmed her suspicion. Then, she confronted her husband, his lover, his lover's husband and his lover's mother. She thought she did the right thing. Then another lady reader wrote it and commented that she was actually driving her husband away as he might be silently, planning his exit. And then, a male reader responded and mentioned that most of his married friends actually "cheated" on their wives and question the purpose of marriage, why not just cohabit - he suggested. Then, of course, the debate is still on going both in today's TODAY and yesterday's TODAY and maybe till eternity.

I was reminded when I was sending out my wedding invitations, some married colleagues mentioned in passing that "Those who are not in, want to badly come in. AND those who are already in, want to badly come out." Marriage. Marriage. Marriage. Within less than a decade of marriage, I have seen friends, colleagues who tied the knots around the same time, got separated and divorced. Some remarried, some.....just decided to focus on other things in life.

I, once, had a notion that marriage was all about romance, where your spouse would pamper you, would sing sweet songs, rub your feet, scratch your back and put you to sleep. I had the perception that one should marry out of love, and there should be chemistry, physical attraction. I was sold to those ideas of marriage and embraced them.

But marriage was not all that. I learn. Marriage is a responsibility. Marriage is not about getting equal rights, equal say - marriage is about compromise, give and take, sometimes one has to lose to win - eventually. Love is not something that blooms all of sudden. Love needs time and energy and effort. Marriage is about acceptance, patience and willingness to forgive and forget.

Most of us enter into a marriage filled with certain ideology that our spouses should do this, this and this and if they don't, we get angry, we feel cheated and we say, hey! what happen to the person I married. We expect the other party to coax us, say sweet little things, buy us gifts, remember our birthdays, anniversaries. We want our spouses to choose either us or their parents, we want them to join in our family traditions, we want them to accept our friends.

We forget that our spouses are unique individuals, raised in different environments, traditions, cultures and even different religions. He is who he is, and we are who we are. Sometimes, we forget that we CHOOSE our spouses for who they are NOT who we WANT them to be. And sometimes, we also forget that our spouses are human too, with feelings. They feel hurt, anger, sad, and maybe at times even cheated by our actions.

And when things go wrong, we tend to blame the other party - when it actually takes 2 hands to clap and it takes 2 to tango. There is a Malay saying that goes something like this 'One can see the ant at sea but not an elephant in front'. Sometimes, the fault lies with ourselves, our mind, our expectations. I have seen wives who gave their husbands silent treatments and they are proud of it, telling to the whole world - serve him right, they say! and I just don't understand. Isn't it a lose-lose situation? What do you get out of it, except for a sense of revenge? And then, these wives expect their husbands to stay loyal to them and love them? Isn't it ironic?

When I got married, my mother gave me an advice that I will never forget. An advice that I will give to everyone of my children when they embark on the wonderful journey of marriage. "Love your husband and he will love you. Love his family and they will love you. Remember, at the end of every prayers, make doa for him and his family." And alhamdullilah, although the ride was not smooth sailing all the way, there were major bumps here and there, but we got up at every fall and learn from our mistakes. Marriage is a joint responsibility. It takes lots of patience, and has many challenges. But it is a wonderful learning journey.

Tomorrow marks my 9th year into this wonderful journey and I look forward to many, many, many more splendid years. I know there will be future challenges, that we may not even forsee today. But I believe, we will overcome them, insya'allah.