Be Careful What You Wish For

Over the years, I have become very cautious about what I wish for because I am afraid that what I wish may not be actually good for me, eventually. As a result, I have resorted making open ended supplications and let Allah choose for me – if what I want if good for me, Allah will make it easier for me to get and if it is not good for me, Allah will prevent me from getting.

Looking back, it started after the delivery of my firstborn in 1997 when I wished not to have another till I was 28. I spoke to the spouse about it, in passing and he just kept quiet. After a moment of silence, I remembered he said, “Be careful what you wish for.” I did not really understand what he meant and just brushed it aside until in 1998, at 26 – I found out I was pregnant again.

We were happy and I had forgotten about the wish that I made 1 ½ years ago. At 12 weeks of pregnancy, I started to bleed. A check with the gynae indicated that the foetus was not growing and it had very irregular heartbeat. The gynae recommended that I aborted it – but how could I, when I could still see the heart beat. She told me that even if it survived, it would have a congenital heart disease and would need a pacemaker to ensure that the heart beats regularly. I was adamant to keep it – it was my child and I could not just give up without giving it a chance.

So she agreed to give some jabs to strengthen the foetus and scheduled for an appointment in a week to see the progress. Before I left, she told me that the chance of the foetus survival looked slim. I went back home and cried my eyes out. I was given a week of MC for total bed rest – no other activity but to stay in bed.

With so much free time in hand and only a child to entertain, it was a time of reflection. The gynae had told us that the jabs would stop the bleeding but it won’t guarantee the survival of the child. So I spent a long time praying when I realised that talking to people did not provide the relief that I needed.

Then, I remembered what I had wished for previously and regretted making such a wish. Allah was granting my wish. It was a wish that was made by my own folly – a human with such limited capacity who just cannot look beyond the present.

In Dec 1998, I really wanted my child to live and I could have wished that Allah made it survive but I didn’t. Because I know, what I could see is just the narrow spectrum of my life. And I made my first open ended wish and prayed that Allah choose the better one for me because Allah is all knowing. I asked that if it was good for us as a family that the child survive then let it survive, if it is not then as the servant of God, I was willing to let it go and let Allah take it away from me. It was a difficult wish for any mother to make – to see it growing in you and ask for it to be taken. But I knew that Allah has a better plan for me.

And little did I know, my better half was also experiencing his own period of self-reflection and made the same wish - though he wanted to cradle another baby more that I did. He never shared with me how he felt for fear that it would affect me even more. He kept it to himself until when he knew that I had the strength to accept our fate – which was months later.

I realised that when you make such a wish (to leave everything in Allah’s hands), the whole burden seemed to be lifted from your shoulders because you know that you are no longer in control and that Allah would take care of the whole affair. Whatever troubles that you may face, such supplication makes you view the whole situation in a different perspective – making it easier for you to move on with your life.

On Boxing Day in 1998, we went to the gynae’s clinic for a review. A part of me knew that it had passed away even before she scanned. Both of us just knew. True enough, there was no heart beat and I went for a D&C. I vowed from that incident that I would just let Allah take care of my affairs because I knew Allah is the only one that I can rely on.

And in 2000, just a month short of my 28th birthday – I gave birth to a healthy baby, my 2nd baby girl. A year later, another one came along and in 2004, my fourth child was born. And insya’allah in Jan 2007, there will be another new addition to the family. Alhamdullilah. But I hope that I never forget the valuable lessons that Allah had taught me in 1998. The adversity that we experienced made us stronger and closer to Allah. I am thankful for that.

I have also limited my specific wishes to wishes for good health, stronger iman and Allah’s protection and guidance. I prefer to leave most of my wishes as open ended because if what I wish for is good for me, I am sure Allah will grant it but if it is not, I wish that Allah will not let me have it. After all, Allah swt is all knowing and only HE knows what is best for us.

I have some people asking me whether I wanted my fifth child to be a boy. If the person who asked is a Muslim, I would tell that it is up to Allah to decide what is good for me. And if he is not, I will just say as long as the baby is healthy – it does not matter whether it is a boy or a girl. Because I do not know what the future holds for me and from what life has taught me – I have to be careful about what I wish for. Allah does grant all our wishes, it is just us, humans who forget what we had wished for.